Archive for the ‘Whole Foods’ Category

You Ghet­to-of-the-Ivy-League Pos­er

Co­lum­bia stu­dent: Do you go to NYU?
NYU stu­dent: Yes, how did you know?
Co­lum­bia stu­dent: I could tell by your dirty shoes. NYU gets their stu­dents from the home­less shel­ter.
NYU stu­dent: Ex­cuse me?
Co­lum­bia stu­dent: I’m your biggest en­e­my.
NYU stu­dent: What?
Co­lum­bia stu­dent: I go to Co­lum­bia.
NYU stu­dent: Can you leave me alone?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Over­heard by: Coop­er Union Stu­dent

Is It Sick That I Wednes­day on Their One-Lin­ers?

Guy on phone: It’s prob­a­bly some­thing be­yond the bes­tial­i­ty in why you did­n’t get hired.

–4th & Lafayette

Over­heard by: andy

Dis­em­bod­ied voice in crowd: Necrophil­ia, re­al­ly?

–Times Square

Man: The thing is: my safe­ty word is “No, hard­er, hard­er.”

–NY Com­ic Con

Girl: No, se­ri­ous­ly, my par­ents used to have like a har­ness and a leash for me, be­cause I used to run away in the air­port all the time.

–Ford­ham Law School

Girl to friend: Hot wax and genitals…either very good, or very, very bad.

–1st Ave & 11th St

Over­heard by: Will

Guy: Great. She does­n’t even know me and al­ready she thinks I have a pro­duce fetish.

–Whole Foods, Chelsea

Over­heard by: Hunter (aka,

In­ter­est­ing­ly, This Is Ex­act­ly How Chris­tian­i­ty Works

JAP: Oh my god, I to­tal­ly have to go to my cous­in’s birth­day in a week. Like she is such a bitch!
Fol­low­er: I hate her be­cause you hate her.
JAP: What? I don’t hate her, she is just a lit­tle bitch.
Fol­low­er: Like, what’s the dif­fer­ence?
JAP, walk­ing away: The dif­fer­ence is you are no longer my friend and luck­i­ly you are sooo re­place­able.
Fol­low­er, run­ning be­hind: I’m sooo sor­ry! Please don’t do this!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Wednes­day Does­n’t Eat Enough to Keep a One-Lin­er Alive

Skin­ny pro­fes­sor: John* [a chub­by pro­fes­sor] and I start­ed Weight Watch­ers to­geth­er at the same time!

–Hos­tos Fac­ul­ty Din­ing Room

Over­heard by: glad she’s leav­ing

Skin­ny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy sub­sti­tute for heavy cream?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Over­heard by: of­fice pe­on loves Thanks­giv­ing food

Girl or­der­ing Cof­fee Coolat­ta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorex­ic. Every­thing tast­ed good back then…

–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge

Over­heard by: al­li­son

Jew­ish grand­moth­er­ly type: Women with anorex­ia seem to have such strange eat­ing habits.

–Up­per West Side

Anorex­ic-look­ing girl: I want a tic tac. I’m hun­gry.

–95th & 2nd

There Are No Small Wednes­days– On­ly Small One-Lin­ers.

Girl on cell, de­fi­ant­ly: Lis­ten, I can keep my midget in your clos­et when­ev­er I damn please!

–72nd & Colum­bus

Man hand­ing out cards to ran­dom passers-by: They have midget strip­pers, bud­dy, and you can bring your gui­tar!

–42nd & 7th

Over­heard by: Katy

Guy, to friend: You can’t call your­self a grown man if you sit down and your feet dan­gle off the chair.

–Vic­to­ri­a’s Se­cret

Over­heard by: Emm

Black guy push­ing cart: Man, I miss my two-head­ed midget friend… He was my best man.

–Union Square

Woman on cell: Have I been an an­gry lit­tle munchkin?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Over­heard by: TheMac

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Eyes Are Big­ger Than Their Stom­achs

20-some­thing woman: Is she a bialy in re­al life?

–To­mo sushi, 110th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ur­su­la & Winifred

Very large black woman on cell phone, bel­low­ing: I don’t do no moth­er­fuck­ing corn bread! Why the fuck you al­ways want corn bread, moth­er­fuck­er?

–St. Luke’s-Roo­sevelt Hos­pi­tal, 114th & Am­s­ter­dam

Punk girl to an­oth­er: I wish I was a muf­fin. But I’m not. I’m a hu­man.

–B Train

Over­heard by: id rather be a cup­cake

Black Whole Foods em­ploy­ee to black whole Foods cus­tomer: You have to be raised on it, you hear me? I was raised on c‑town, key foods. I ain’t gonna pay no 4 dol­lars for no eggs.

–Union Square Whole Foods

Clue­less suit on cell: I’m just re­al­ly bad at know­ing if stuff is per­ish­able or not. I just don’t know. Ok, so ice cream ‑that’s per­ish­able, right? But­ter ‑non-per­ish­able. Caviar is­n’t per­ish­able ei­ther… Wait, what? Oh, but­ter is per­ish­able? Wait, how do you know? Does per­ish­able mean it has to be kept in the fridge? Ok, so does caviar have to be kept in the fridge?

–E 60th St

An­gry 20-some­thing on cell phone: Why? Why? Be­cause I can’t eat spaghet­ti-o’s any­more!

–E 13th St & 1st Ave