Archive for the ‘Whole Foods’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Fade to Black

Slight­ly drunk kid from Alas­ka: I re­al­ized I had blacked out when I woke up on top of my sis­ter.

–14th St

Over­heard by: The Rev­erend

Young girl on cell: You passed out from him chok­ing you? (pause) Like…does it…um…sting? Did he apol­o­gize at least? (pause) Ya know, it’s not okay to get so fucked up that you don’t know that he’s chok­ing you.

–Max Cafe

Over­heard by: D to the ana

Loud girl on cell: Oh my god! Don’t even wor­ry about hit­ting on her too much, she was to­tal­ly blacked out last night!

–Whole Foods Union Square

Over­heard by: bildita

Prep­py girl: Is “faint” a eu­phemism for “bon­er”?

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Di­ana

Sil­ly Rab­bit, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are for Kids

Ex­cit­ed lit­tle girl to friend: Hey! Wan­na see my room? It’s re­al­ly cool! I got a bed!

–Whole Foods, Tribeca

Three-year-old girl, ex­cit­ed­ly point­ing at pic­ture on store front: Look mom­my, it’s Bud­dha! It’s Bud­dha!

–Ave B b/w 3rd & 4th

Over­heard by: EV­girl

Young girl to fa­ther: On­ly 1,486 days un­til I’m 18 and then I can do what­ev­er the heck I want.

–E 78th St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: Bran­don F

4‑year-old girl to fa­ther try­ing to board over­crowd­ed train: Je­sus, we should have tak­en the bus! I told you we should have tak­en the bus.

–Up­town 4 Train

Over­heard by: kdice

Five-year-old son to fa­ther who just dropped Black­Ber­ry: What the hell just hap­pened here?

–Great Lawn, Cen­tral Park

Four-year-old girl: I’m­ma hus­t­la! I’m­ma, I’m­ma hus­t­la!

–Up­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: Ni­na

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Start­ing to Show

Aloof teen: So, oth­er than get­ting robbed and com­ing back preg­nant, how was it?

–27th & 6th

Over­heard by: Sea­mus Did­dy

Fe­male cashier, look­ing over cov­er of Star mag­a­zine: Girl, An­geli­na is hav­ing twins?! I tell you what, that girl needs to get her some birth con­trol pills ‑and you know why? Be­cause she hot and if I was Brad Pitt I would keep knockin’ her up too.

–86th & 1st

Girl on cell: Ugh! I can’t be­lieve she’s preg­nant again! That makes fu­ton ba­by num­ber two!

–For­ev­er 21, Union Square

Girl check­ing SMS, to friends: Oh shit…[Reads.] “Hap­py non moth­er’s day, pass this on to all your girl­friends and women you know who sur­vived an­oth­er year of not get­ting preg­nant.”

–Toys R Us Times Square

Over­heard by: Non Fa­ther

Guy, chas­ing af­ter preg­nant woman in the fruit sec­tion: It’s not a boy? I swore you told me it was a boy! Hon­ey! Come back!

–Whole Foods, Bow­ery

Over­heard by: of­fice pe­on

When I Chain You to the Tread­mill Tonight, I’ll Be Do­ing It with Love

Mid­dle-aged woman on her cell: Where are you? Don’t get the piz­za, it’s too many calo­ries. Just get a sal­ad or some­thing. Well, I on­ly say that be­cause I had a night­mare last night where you got big. It was aw­ful. Oh, hon­ey, come on I love you, stop.
I’m just say­ing, if you had a dream that a build­ing was col­laps­ing and a guy was about to walk in­to it, would­n’t you say “stop”? Well, then we agree.

–Pax Whole­some Foods, 6th & 40th

A Pic­ture Speaks a Thou­sand Wednes­day One-Lin­ers.

Fa­ther to two tod­dlers walk­ing with mom­my: So your moth­er of­fered to take me to The Stan­dard for our an­niver­sary, where we’d pose naked in the win­dows for all to see. I told your mom­my I’m game… Af­ter­wards we’ll sell the pic­tures in Aus­tralia, how’s that sound?

–23rd St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: geedee

Hip­ster, on be­ing mugged: So I’m in the am­bu­lance, but in­stead of feel­ing bad about it I took a pic­ture of my­self and put it on Twit­ter.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Girl on cell: Just take nude pho­tos of your­self. Go home. Take off your clothes, stand in front of a mir­ror, and take pic­tures.

–23rd St

Slut­ty-look­ing hip­ster chick on phone: My ex boyfriend said that he googled me and found naked pics of me.

–4th Ave & 86th St

Over­heard by: bay ridge bitch

An­noy­ing teen girl: He said “You know Limp Bizk­it? Well, this is limp dick!” And he sent me a pic­ture of his soft pe­nis and I died laugh­ing on the street!

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Wall­flower