Archive for the ‘Women’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Tend to Ram­ble On

Old man at the bar: Every­day that I wake up and see that my name is­n’t in the obit­u­ar­ies is a good day.

–Cafe des Artistes Bar

Old­er woman, to friend: Then we’re go­ing to have to do the sun­tan lo­tion thing, and that’s go­ing to be a night­mare.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Over­heard by: EthanK

Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there’s a lot of old peo­ple on this train. I bet they’re all wish­ing they were our age again. Suck­ers!

–N Train

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Old la­dy, to man play­ing steel drums as she dances along to the mu­sic: Shalom! That was awe­some, my man!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Court­ney Mess­er

El­der­ly woman to el­der­ly friends: So then Andy comes down in his biki­ni, and of course all the old women go crazy…

–56th & 1st Ave

Old la­dy look­ing in­to fan­cy cafe: An­oth­er shit­hole!

–74th near Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Old la­dy: Geral­dine, do you want to come up lat­er and play… With my wire­less router!

–Clark & Herny

Over­heard by: Lacy

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on blue­tooth head­set: You want every­one to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want every­one to suck yo dick!

–W. 59th & 9th Ave

Over­heard by: Alexan­dra

Twelve-year-old gui­do, near tears, dou­bled over in the street scream­ing on his cell phone: You sucked Char­lie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Char­lie’s dick last night, you blow job!

–Brook­lyn

20 some­thing blonde on cell: … Is that nor­mal? [Pause.] No, it’s dif­fer­ent every time, like it al­most dis­ap­pears… Then an­oth­er time its all swing­ing and shit… Is that nor­mal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mum­bles.]

–LIRR

Man­ag­er to em­ploy­ee: You are a cock guz­zling thun­der­cunt!

–Chelsea

Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.

–16th & 9th

Woman: Short of blow­ing him in Mo­Ma, I re­al­ly don’t know how to get his at­ten­tion.

–A Train

Over­heard by: Why Mo­Ma?

It Tells Me Sto­ries About Jesters and Drag­ons

Woman #1: So, I went to the der­ma­tol­o­gist the oth­er day, and she said it does­n’t have to be re­moved.
Woman #2: Oh…good!
Woman #1: I know! I was like, “good!” I’m very at­tached to it, and it’s very at­tached to me!
Woman #3: Wait…what are we talk­ing about?
Woman #1 (in loud whis­per): I have a…huge mole. On my ass.

–Deli, 7th & Ave A

Trans­la­tion: “God, I Need a Woman.”

Man: Yeah, my moth­er raised me right. I make sure I eat break­fast every day.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: I have sar­dines and grits every day.
Woman: Sar­dines?
Man: Hell, yes. Some­times I give some of the gravy to the cats, and they go crazy for it. I mean, it don’t mat­ter if they just ate or noth­ing, they just love the gravy.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: Gravy. I usu­al­ly give them a lit­tle of what­ev­er I cook. You know, and then they ei­ther eat it or they don’t. They like turn their heads away if they don’t like it. But they sure like gravy. Gravy.

–B26 Bus, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster