Archive for the ‘Words’ Category

And, by the Way, ‘Gram­mat­i­cal­ly Cor­rect­ly’ Is Need­less­ly Re­dun­dant

Bel­liger­ent white woman: Could you get of the way?
Black teen: I be try­ing!
Bel­liger­ent white woman: You should speak gra­mat­i­cal­ly cor­rect­ly!
Smar­tass: “I be try­ing” is­n’t un­gram­mat­i­cal. It’s stan­dard us­age in African-Amer­i­can ver­nac­u­lar Eng­lish.
Bel­liger­ent white woman: Oh, what would you know?
Smar­tass: I have a Ph.D. in lin­guis­tics from MIT.

–A train

Be a Good Sport, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Con­duc­tor, on loud­speak­er: Please note, you heard it here first: I’m watch­ing the Su­per Bowl on­ly for the com­mer­cials. The Gi­ants are go­ing to be so far ahead of… the oth­er team… it’ll be a bor­ing game. We gonna whoop them by at least 15, 20 points. But the com­mer­cials are go­ing to be great!

–A train

Over­heard by: love this con­duc­tor!

Blind hobo to no one: You know why black bas­ket­ball play­ers are bet­ter than white ones? Be­cause Je­sus was black, so they’re like Je­sus!

–1 train

Black teen girl, to three teen boys: Su­per Bowl! Su­per bowl?! What the hell does that mean, ‘a Su­per Bowl’? Did­n’t you ever think about how stu­pid that is?!

–F train, 4th Ave

Over­heard by: There­sa

Eight-year-old boy: You can’t have a Cow­boys game with­out the cheer­lead­ers. There go half the male tick­et hold­ers.

–Prospect Park, Brook­lyn

Guy who is clear­ly not Eli Man­ning: What do I do? My name is Eli Man­ning, and I play for the New York Gi­ants.

–Up­per West Side

Guy ran­dom­ly wipes out on the side­walk, flat on his stom­ach with arms stretched out in front of him. Every­one stares.

Near­by cop: Safe!

–Out­side Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ba­nana­phone

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Want to Be a Part Of It

Suit: That’s why I can’t help but love New York. New York is like the sick un­cle that touch­es you when no ones around.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl, af­ter pass­ing a tourist bump­ing in­to her: In New York we say “ex­cuse me!”

–Ma­cy’s, Her­ald Square

Over­heard by: The City Plan­ner

Guy to friend: Are we in the in­ner city or just the city?

–1st Ave & 6th St

Dude walk­ing out of Penn sta­tion: You know what’s great about go­ing out in New York City? You can get com­plete­ly bombed and it’s no big deal, be­cause you’ll prob­a­bly nev­er see those peo­ple again, you know?

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: BPV

Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like “shit­ter.”

–96th & Colum­bus Ave

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Their Mouths Washed Out with Soap

Glee­ful lit­tle boy: We will, we will fuck you! We will, we will fuck you! [Bursts in­to gig­gles.]

–1 train

Over­heard by: caitlinj

Guy: I mean, I was­n’t ex­pect­ing be­ing fucked, ei­ther!

–55th & 8th

Over­heard by: Mari­ah

Guy on cell: You know what? Cleo fucked you, so fuck it — we’re fucked.

–For­est Hills

Tough guy with five-year-old: Hey, bud­dy! Don’t fuck­ing push me! I’ve got my fuckin’ kid here!

–1 train

Over­heard by: wba

His­pan­ic la­dy with stroller, on cell: Moth­a­fuckin’ [Span­ish]… Fuckin’ ass­hole [Span­ish]… Son of a [Span­ish]… Fuckin’ moth­a­fuckin’ [Span­ish]… Bun­ny rab­bit [Span­ish]… Fuck.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Mike N (does­n’t speak Span­ish)

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School