College kid #1: So basically I didn’t jerk off for a week so I could bust a huge load in her mouth. Have you ever done that?
College kid #2: Yeah, but never purposefully.
–Houston & Ave of Americas
Archive for the ‘Yeaaahhh College!’ Category
He Was Happy on the Insides (Now Outside)
Guy: You know what’s really gross? Seeing the rats that get run over by the subway cars. They’re all split open and stuff.
Girl: This one time I saw a rat get washed up on the shore. He was missing all his skin.
Guy: Did he look happy?
Girl: No.
–Columbia University
Ditto
Guy #1: Okay…Wow…This one time in Madison I was so drunk…I was trying to get this sorority girl to come home with me and she said she would if I got rid of her ex-boyfriend (he was hanging out with us.) That’s all I remember from that night! I woke up the next morning, in bed, soaking wet, with a pulled groin muscle and scrapes all over my knees and elbows!
Guy #2: What the fuck?
Guy #1: Yeah! I had to ask around to find out what happened. Apparently, I sorta, uh, fell in the lake in Madison–I pulled my groin muscle there–then I pulled myself out and crawled home on hands and knees since I couldn’t walk.
Guy #2: What…the fuck…?
–B1 bus
Overheard by: Justin Fores
Also, Our Eyes aren’t Open as Wide
College chick #1: Have you ever noticed it always gets dark really early during this time of year?
College chick #2: Yeah, I noticed it, too. But I was thinking that since it’s generally cloudier in autumn and winter that it really isn’t dark out earlier, it’s just really cloudy.
College chick #1: Wow, that makes so much sense!
–Riverdale
Rocky: Puke on the One in the Middle
Dude: Do you mean the guy you threw up on?
Chick: Yeah, but not the frat boy, the other one.
–Silver building, NYU
He Was Merely Trying to Help Them Through the Fence
College girl: So you’re a real farmer! What do you have? Cows, pigs, sheep…?
Long-haired guy in overalls: No, no — had to get rid of the sheep. They were all liars.
–D train
Overheard by: Murray
Because Men Will ‘Give a Sample’ at the Drop of a Hat?
Professor: If you’ll notice, in these studies, there are some where they only have samples of males. Can anyone tell me why that might be?
Student: Because men die.
–Hunter College, cultural anthropology classroom
Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl
‘Cause If It Is, I’ve Got Plans!
College intern hitting friend with magic wand: Naked Bitch with big titties.
Little kid: Is that a real magic wand?!
–FAO Schwartz
I Have the Smallest Ericsson Ever!
Jock #1: Mine is five inches!
Jock #2: Hah! I got you beat! Mine is about four inches.
Jock #3: Yeah? Well, I beat both you dudes. Mine is only two inches!
–W 112th, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Christopher Stone
I Think He’s a Latent Wednesday One-liner
Suit: I’m always really careful when I eat so I don’t have to take it up the ass when I go to the dry cleaner.
–Organic Grill, 1st Avenue
Man: I’m telling you, what you should do is take a picture of yourself naked now and then in about two, three months, take another one and compare. Maybe keep doing that, you know? Keep a photo album documenting it. I think you should.
–F train
Overheard by: Jenni Unicorn
Man on cell: Okay, I gotta go ’cause I’m fucking sweating my dick off.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Kevin Kilroy
College guy: Have you ever jacked off with your feet?
–TKTS, Duffy Square
Guy on cell: I have a blood clot in my asshole!
–15th & 3rd
Woman: He’s a good friend, but the sex is pretty awful. He a good kisser, but he has trouble further than that. I’m just not his type. I don’t have a penis.
–West 4th Street station
Overheard by: Rachel Adler
Puerto Rican guy: Second-best feeling in the world. First is sex. I
guarantee it.
–Barnes & Noble men’s room, Union Square