Archive for March, 2005

Out of the Mouths of Babes: Howard Dean is a Com­mie!

Lit­tle girl #1: My dad wants to write books but does­n’t.
Lit­tle girl #2: Why not?
Lit­tle girl #1: Well, he’s busy.
Lit­tle girl #2: Why does­n’t he just quit his job and start writ­ing a book?
Lit­tle girl #1: I dunno…maybe be­cause we won’t have any mon­ey?
Lit­tle girl #3: Ooh, then you could move to Ver­mont!

–F train

The Short Bus to the Can­dy Shop

HS girl: Do you lis­ten to 50 Cent? Oh, my god, he is so good!
HS guy: Do you know what they say when you are lis­ten­ing to 50 Cent?
HS girl: What do they say?
HS guy: What are you lis­ten­ing to when you have two quar­ters next to your ear?
HS girl: Ha, ha…I don’t get it.

–Q46 bus

Over­heard by: Ting

I “Read Some­where” That Your La­dy Friend is a Mo­ron

Tourist woman: I had no idea the Guggen­heim Mu­se­um was so cheesy look­ing. What’s it made out of? Is that pa­pi­er mache or some­thing?
Tourist man: Well, I re­mem­ber read­ing some­where that Frank Lloyd Wright re­al­ly was a nut.

–5th Ave. & 88th St.

Over­heard by: Galen Chisto­pher

Mouth­fuls of Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Scot­tish chick on cell: He’s sort of like the John Tesh of ton­sils, is­n’t he?

–60th & 1st

Over­heard by: zun­shyn

Guy: I think I know enough about com­pound plas­tic to per­form ba­sic den­tistry.

–1/9 train

Over­heard by: Kathryn Gal­loway

Tech kid: I can, like, smell which mi­cro­phone you’re us­ing.

–NYU Ed­u­ca­tion build­ing, Wash­ing­ton Square east

Gross! Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Old man: I don’t even like tak­ing the sub­way any­more be­cause the tiling is so dis­gust­ing.

–28th Street sta­tion

Over­heard by: Nico Wes­t­erdale

Guy: Every time I see him, I want to wash my­self.

–South Street sea­port

Queer on cell: Whores! You are W‑H-O-R‑E dash I‑B-L‑E. That’s what you are. You’re whore-ible.

–50th be­tween 8th & 9th

Miss­ing Pieces of Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Bald spot chick: I’m bipo­lar, de­pressed, and I have a per­son­al­i­ty dis­or­der, but the doc­tor says if I quit pulling out my hair he’ll change me from twen­ty-four med­i­cines to nine­teen.

–Broad­way & 51st

Woman: I don’t care how blind you are, you got­ta cov­er your ears when that hap­pens.

–23rd & 7th

Woman: There aren’t enough web­sites for club-thumbs on the in­ter­net.

–Mid­town of­fice

Lunchtime! Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy on cell: My life is a falafel. No, no, wait, it’s a pi­ta. My life is a pi­ta.

–Broad­way & As­tor Place

Teen boy: When I get home, I’m gonna get me one of them nu­tri­ent shake shits.

–M23 bus

Over­heard by: Jon Graboff

Woman: I did­n’t like the emu there. I’m not go­ing to like it here.

–Eight Mile Creek, Mul­ber­ry Street

Over­heard by: james up­hoff

Wednes­day One-lin­ers: The An­i­mals

Re­cep­tion­ist: It takes two shots to bring down a ben­gal tiger! Two!

–20th Street of­fice

Over­heard by: An­i­mal

Chick on cell: Oh, so hon­ey, they aren’t ac­tu­al­ly tents for dogs; they’re just tiny dis­play tents for the large ones.

–North Face, 73rd & Broad­way

Woman: She feeds chick­ens to oth­er chick­ens. It’s gross. It’s like, if there was a hus­band and wife, she would chop up the hus­band and feed him to the wife.

–1/9 train