Archive for June, 2005

Not One As Wide­spread as Id­io­cy

Girl #1: They named their kid Lo­tus?
Girl #2: That’s kind of cool.
Girl #1: How?
Girl #2: Well, it’s got good con­no­ta­tions, you know? I mean, you’d nev­er meet a bitch named Lo­tus.
Girl #1: Yeah, but…weren’t they, like, a plague?

–John Fluevog, Mul­ber­ry Street

Over­heard by: Court­ney

I Think I’m Go­ing to Be Sick

Girl #1: She looks so good now, though!
Girl #2: Yeah, well, if she would keep a meal down once in a while she might not…

–9th Av­enue & Lit­tle West 12th Street

Over­heard by: Wy­att Neu­mann

Girl #1: They were all won­der­ing why I was­n’t eat­ing, and they kept ask­ing me to eat some­thing, so I just fi­nal­ly had a sand­wich to shut them up. So when I went back to the ho­tel, I threw up.
Girl #2: I to­tal­ly un­der­stand, I would have done the same thing.

–NYSC lock­er room, 23rd & Park

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Love Their Sports

Guy: I was nev­er any good at sports…I’ve watched the Su­per­bowl a few times.

–Flat­iron of­fice

La­dy on phone: Yeah, they have seat fillers at the Os­cars and oth­er award shows, you did­n’t know that? It’s so when they pan over the au­di­ence it does­n’t look like a Mets game.

–40th Street of­fice

Over­heard by: Clay Cavi­ness

Guy: I’m not go­ing to be the on­ly guy at the hock­ey par­ty hold­ing an ap­ple turnover.

–Broad­way & Prince

Over­heard by: Christo­pher Min­er

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Ain’t Talk­ing With­out a Lawyer

Guy: Just be­cause I got a felony does­n’t mean I’m go­ing to jail.

–out­side Kew Gar­dens Crim­i­nal Cour­t­house

Over­heard by: Scott Bee

Man walk­ing down the street with a wood­en square around his neck says: I’m an in­no­cent man! I’ve been framed, I’m tellin’ ya!

–Carmine & Bleeck­er

Black guy: Yo, do y’all got $6? Whoa, whoa, lis­ten, I’m Black but I’m no crim­i­nal!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca Gridel­li

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Have Ques­tions About NY

Tourist guy: We’re stay­ing down on Two Av­enue. Now do they say Two Av­enue or Sec­ond Av­enue here?

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: Chess

Tourist woman: We’re in Man­hat­tan, right?

–Times Square

Tourist girl: Can’t we like, just call a cab? You know, like, “Hi, we need a cab, pick us up here?”

–42nd be­tween Broad­way & 6th

Over­heard by: Heather Hunter

Tourist guy: Do they just breed dogs small­er here, or what?

–Broad­way & As­tor

Over­heard by: jil­lyp­ick­le

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Are Ready to Or­der

Wait­ress: Sor­ry sir, your or­der did not come out as you ex­pect­ed. The cooks don’t speak Eng­lish so they did­n’t un­der­stand what you want­ed.

–ES­PN­Zone, Times Square

Over­heard by: Rachel W

Span­ish girl: When I got my tongue pierced it was­n’t swollen at all. They was tellin’ me to eat soup and shit. Fuck that! I was eatin’ rice and beans like five times a day! I am not gonna starve my­self for no pierc­ing. Fuck that! Gimme a T‑bone.

–M train

A hobo walks up to the peo­ple out­side and says: Did you hear about the restau­rant on the moon? It has no at­mos­phere.

–In­do­chine, Lafayette Street

Drunk guy: So I eat the Bakla­va, then I go in­to the bath­room to take care of my busi­ness. When I come out I say, “What’s the prob­lem?”.

–47th & 9th

Over­heard by: JH

Woman: Can you please make sure it’s a boy lob­ster? I’m on­ly in­to boys, and don’t want to eat a girl.

–Austin ale house, Kew Gar­dens

Over­heard by: tom

Pudgy guy on cell: I used to pay for din­ner for three. But now I don’t pay for any­one, I just have Ap­ple Jacks at home.

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Ali­ta

Wednes­day One-lin­ers are Open for Busi­ness

Girl on cell: Do you think any gal­leries will be open on Sun­day?

–21st & Broad­way

Woman: He did­n’t come here to be Ko­re­an; he moved here to be a hip­ster. Then he re­al­ized he could open a store, and he turned Ko­re­an.

–2nd Av­enue & 6th Street

Pri­vate School girl: So is, like, every­thing in this place by Chanel?

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art

Man: What do you mean, you ran out of keys? How does a ho­tel run out of keys?

–The Ho­tel on Riv­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Joe Quint

Queer: Well I fig­ured I make $7 an hour at Jour­ney’s work­ing full time. So if I cut back to part time and get a sec­ond job mak­ing $7 an hour, I’ll be mak­ing $14 an hour and I can pay all my bills!

–Ned­er­lan­der The­ater, West 41st Street

Over­heard by: No­mi Mal­one