Archive for 2005

Bill Clinton’s Ears (and Genitals) Are Burning

Dowager: What we really need to do is to educate these poor people so they don’t have sex. It’s the poor people who keep spreading all the STDs and the AIDS. Do you know any rich people with STDs? I didn’t think so.

–MoMA cafe

Lady #1: I can’t believe she said those things. She was so politically incorrect.
Lady #2: Well what did you expect her to say?
Lady #1: Something humanly correct.

–Shubert Theatre, 44th Street

Take 2 Shots of Headlines, Add One Old Man and Stir

Old Drunk: Did you hear about the guy that shot the judge in Atlanta? Well, they caught him. You know how? After he shot the judge, he ran over to Graceland, where Michael Jackson lives, and he shot Michael Jackson in the leg. That is why Michael Jackson is walking around in his pajamas all the time, because his leg hurts and he can’t get dressed.

–N train

Overheard by: AG

More Like Making Babies

Two women are waiting for the bathroom.

Woman #1: They’ve been 20 minutes in there, all you need to do is rip down your underwear and you’re done, it’s not difficult!
Woman #2: Yeah, are they, like, having babies in there?

–Barnes & Noble, 5th Avenue

But at Least It’ll Be a Quick End!

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to backups on the F, this train is going to make express stops only at Delancey Street all the way to Brooklyn. Passengers who would like to get off at 2nd Avenue and East Broadway please get off the train and take the next train right behind us.
Sephora shopping bags woman: Right behind us, my ass! We’re all gonna die!

–F train

Overheard by: Alex Wipf

Shamrock Day: the Aftermath

Short guy: You owe me money.
Hefty guy: I don’t owe you shit, Goldilocks! Don’t make me fucking slap you.
Short guy: I thought it was Erin Go Bragh, not Erin Go Fuck You Up.

–N train

Drunk Irish guy #1: So what are you ladies doing after this?
Drunk Irish girl #1: More bar hopping.
Drunk Irish guy #2: So you ladies into having some fun tonight?
Drunk Irish girl #2: What do you mean?
Drunk Irish guy #2: We could have one big drunken orgy.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Are you kidding me? Go blow out your ass, stupid.
Drunk Irish guy #2: OK, how about I feel those big tits?
Drunk Irish girl #1: You are an idiot.
Drunk Irish guy #2: Fuck you, you fat bitch.

The guys walk away.

Drunk Irish girl #3: Why did you have to say that for?
Drunk Irish girl #2: He was being a jerk.
Drunk Irish girl #3: But they are cute.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Yeah, you right.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: kendra

Sort of drunk guy: You’re getting more beer? You can barely walk.
Really drunk guy: That’s no reason to stop drinking.

–Saint Mark’s Place & 3rd Ave.