Archive for 2005

Bill Clin­ton’s Ears (and Gen­i­tals) Are Burn­ing

Dowa­ger: What we re­al­ly need to do is to ed­u­cate these poor peo­ple so they don’t have sex. It’s the poor peo­ple who keep spread­ing all the STDs and the AIDS. Do you know any rich peo­ple with STDs? I did­n’t think so.

–Mo­MA cafe

La­dy #1: I can’t be­lieve she said those things. She was so po­lit­i­cal­ly in­cor­rect.
La­dy #2: Well what did you ex­pect her to say?
La­dy #1: Some­thing hu­man­ly cor­rect.

–Shu­bert The­atre, 44th Street

Take 2 Shots of Head­lines, Add One Old Man and Stir

Old Drunk: Did you hear about the guy that shot the judge in At­lanta? Well, they caught him. You know how? Af­ter he shot the judge, he ran over to Grace­land, where Michael Jack­son lives, and he shot Michael Jack­son in the leg. That is why Michael Jack­son is walk­ing around in his pa­ja­mas all the time, be­cause his leg hurts and he can’t get dressed.

–N train

Over­heard by: AG

More Like Mak­ing Ba­bies

Two women are wait­ing for the bath­room.

Woman #1: They’ve been 20 min­utes in there, all you need to do is rip down your un­der­wear and you’re done, it’s not dif­fi­cult!
Woman #2: Yeah, are they, like, hav­ing ba­bies in there?

–Barnes & No­ble, 5th Av­enue

But at Least It’ll Be a Quick End!

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, due to back­ups on the F, this train is go­ing to make ex­press stops on­ly at De­lancey Street all the way to Brook­lyn. Pas­sen­gers who would like to get off at 2nd Av­enue and East Broad­way please get off the train and take the next train right be­hind us.
Sepho­ra shop­ping bags woman: Right be­hind us, my ass! We’re all gonna die!

–F train

Over­heard by: Alex Wipf

Sham­rock Day: the Af­ter­math

Short guy: You owe me mon­ey.
Hefty guy: I don’t owe you shit, Goldilocks! Don’t make me fuck­ing slap you.
Short guy: I thought it was Erin Go Bragh, not Erin Go Fuck You Up.

–N train

Drunk Irish guy #1: So what are you ladies do­ing af­ter this?
Drunk Irish girl #1: More bar hop­ping.
Drunk Irish guy #2: So you ladies in­to hav­ing some fun tonight?
Drunk Irish girl #2: What do you mean?
Drunk Irish guy #2: We could have one big drunk­en or­gy.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Are you kid­ding me? Go blow out your ass, stu­pid.
Drunk Irish guy #2: OK, how about I feel those big tits?
Drunk Irish girl #1: You are an id­iot.
Drunk Irish guy #2: Fuck you, you fat bitch.

The guys walk away.

Drunk Irish girl #3: Why did you have to say that for?
Drunk Irish girl #2: He was be­ing a jerk.
Drunk Irish girl #3: But they are cute.
Drunk Irish girl #2: Yeah, you right.

–44th & 8th

Over­heard by: kendra

Sort of drunk guy: You’re get­ting more beer? You can bare­ly walk.
Re­al­ly drunk guy: That’s no rea­son to stop drink­ing.

–Saint Mark’s Place & 3rd Ave.