Queer #1: He told me he had an 8 inch penis.
Queer #2: Oh really?
Queer #1: It was only 8 inches if he put it in twice.
–L train
Overheard by: Marcus and Nate
Archive for 2005
Let’s Toss In a Speak ‘n Spell for Mom
Woman: Nigga, where you goin’?
Boy: Mom, action figures!
Woman: Nigga, the action figures is right here!
–Toys R’ Us, Times Square
He Was Homeschooled in Anatomy
White guy #1: Dude, so I was like, moving in on this girl, and she was pruding. So she was saying, “I’m not that kind of girl, find someone else to hook up with.”
White guy #2: But you weren’t gonna let her off that easy.
White guy #1: Course not. So I’m like, “But I wanna hook up with you.” So then I’m like, “Wanna dance?” And she’s like, “Okay.” And then when we get on the dance floor, this girl who was like a total prude the entire time becomes a freak. She was just like rubbin’ up on my pee-pee and everything.
White guy #3: So you think you’re gonna hook up with her tonight?
White guy #1: Nah nah, the odds of her touching my pee-pee tonight are slim.
–Palladium, 14th Street
Overheard by: The Smut Gremlin
You’re Barefoot When They Put You in the Ground
Italian guy #1: For some guys, it’s all right.
Italian guy #2: The fucking Israelis started that shit.
Italian guy #1: I don’t see nothing wrong with it, if that’s what you’re into…
Italian guy #2: The day I wear a square-toed shoe, put me in the fucking ground!
–Park Slope
Overheard by: James
He Kept Downing Cocktails All Night
Dude: Yeah, I think I have this disease where I can’t remember people’s names.
Chick: You mean AIDS?
–The Big Easy, 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Theresa
Girl #1 for Senator!
Girl #1: So he kept asking me to have sex last night.
Girl #2: Did you?
Girl #1: No, I told him, “Look, I will not have sex with you. If you want a blowjob I will do that, but I will not have sex with you.”…I mean what is a blowjob? Nothing at all.
–Bleecker & Macdougal
It’s Barney’s, Not Pennsylvania
Hipster dude: Do you guys carry any men’s shoes?
Salesgirl: Yes, they’re on the wall behind you.
Hipster dude: Do you have any straight guy shoes?
–Barney’s, Madison Avenue
Here Come 1800 Nickels
Hobo: You man, got a dollar?
Suit: Yeah, got change for a hundred?
–Water & Wall
Fun Fact: They Were Discussing Their Proms
Girl: …so then there was blood all over the wall–
Guy: Oh yeah?
Girl: Yeah, so we were doing it in the bathroom and I mean, the
blood was, like, everywhere and we were like, okay, we’re at the
Plaza, we gotta get out. We were sooooo shitfaced. So then we left and got outta there…
–DuMont, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Anna K.
It’s Not a Harem If You Just Play Scrabble
Girl #1: How bad am I? I’m going to have sex tomorrow and then pay a shiva call.
Girl #2: Who cares? You’ve got needs.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Girl #2: Remember when you had a harem?
Girl #1: Yeah, but I didn’t have sex with any of them. I just fooled around with them.
–Bleecker Street Bar