Archive for 2005

…Of Peace on Earth…

Guy: He’s the biggest fuck­ing ass­hole I ever met.
Chick: Yeah.
Guy: No, I’m se­ri­ous. He’s the biggest fuck­ing ass­hole in ex­is­tence. The biggest–
Chick: –fuck­ing ass­hole–
Guy: –I ever seen. Biggest. Biggest fuck­ing–
Chick: –ass­hole. I got it.
Guy: And I gave that fuck­er $500 to make pay­ments on his debt, and he does­n’t lis­ten to word I say. And I gave his daugh­ter some­thing–
Chick: Her­pes?
Guy: Shut the fuck up. Be­sides that. I gave his daughter…Hey, you gonna drink that? You throwin’ that away? You don’t throw away beer!
Chick: It’s all back­wash.
Guy: Give it to me.
Chick: You’re dis­gust­ing.
Guy: Don’t fuck­ing talk to me like that.
Chick: Or you’ll give me her­pes?
Guy: Not yet. But just wait.
Chick: Don’t you dare even try to touch me. Let’s go get some smooth­ies.
Guy: I could use a fuck­ing smooth­ie.
Chick: You’re pay­ing.
Guy: Shut the fuck up, you fuck­ing bitch.

–Orig­i­nal Cal­i­for­nia Taque­ria, Cob­ble Hill

Woman #1: He stepped on my foot!…He stepped on my foot!…Excuse me, you stepped on my foot.
Guy: Yeah, I know I did. You dropped that bot­tle on my foot.
Woman #2: It was an ac­ci­dent…
Woman #1: Don’t you see that my bag had a hole in it? It was an ac­ci­dent.
Guy: No, it was­n’t.
Woman #1: Oh yes, I did it de­lib­er­ate­ly.
Guy: That’s right you did.
Woman #1: Oh I’m so sor­ry I woke you from your pre­cious sleep
Guy: Yeah, that’s right.

–B train

A suit on his cell ac­ci­den­tal­ly bumps in­to a drunk girl on the LIRR plat­form.

Drunk girl: Why don’t you say “ex­cuse me!” What the fuck? Just say “ex­cuse me!”.

He ig­nores her and con­tin­ues to talk on his cell. The drunk girl dumps a cup of wa­ter on his crotch. He does­n’t flinch.

Drunk girl: Yeah, bitch! Next time say “ex­cuse me”, and maybe your crotch won’t be wet!

He fin­ish­es his con­ver­sa­tion and gets on the train.

–Penn Sta­tion

Mixed guy: Getchoo el­bow out my chest, man!
White man: Eh, I’m just hold­ing on­to the rail; it’s a packed train.
Mixed guy: Yeah, but why you got to be all up in my chest like that? Got you el­bow in my chest!
White man: Well, does it even hurt?
Mixed guy: Yes. Why else would I even men­tion it? Re­spect my chest. Fag­goty ass moth­er­fuck­er. I gonna get the po­lice all up in this shit, you motherfucking…respect my chest.
Irish guy: Shut up, yeh prick!

–1 train

Over­heard by: Mar­guerite Carter

…And Mild And Sweet The Words Re­peat…

Woman: No thanks, the shoes just did­n’t look good on me.
Sales­guy: Thanks for try­ing.
Woman: Uh, you’re wel­come?

–Steve Mad­den, East 86th Street

Over­heard by: Lucy

Old man: Is this bench for young peo­ple or old peo­ple? Be­cause I on­ly sit with the young.
Woman: It’s for every­one.
Old man: Well, since it’s Christ­mas­time, I’ll sit with you.

–Roo­sevelt Is­land sta­tion

Over­heard by: Suriya

…Their Old Fa­mil­iar Car­ols Play…

Woman: We were play­ing Christ­mas mu­sic last night. If you lis­ten to the words, a lot of those songs re­al­ly mean some­thing.

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter

Yup­pie girl #1: God, this train is so crowd­ed.
Yup­pie girl #2: I hate it when the train is packed like this.
Yup­pie girl #1: I just want to shove peo­ple, but there’s nowhere to shove them to, it’s so crowd­ed.
Guy: Whoa, peace on earth, good­will to­ward men, every­one just set­tle down.

–1 train

I Heard the Bells on Christ­mas Day…

Old la­dy #1: Even when they say “hap­py hol­i­days” to me, I say “mer­ry Christ­mas” back.
Old la­dy #2: Good for you.

–34th & 7th

Over­heard by: Ken­neth Grid­er

Woman: So when is Christ­mas this year?
Man: Um. I think it’s on Sun­day this year.
Woman: No, I mean what date is it?

–Clin­ton Hill

Over­heard by: Megan Winget

Mithras to His Friends (Hap­py Birth­day!)

Man #1: You can tell she loves her son.
Man #2: Who?
Man #1: Mary.
Man #2: Mary who?
Man #1: There.
Man #2: …George, that’s a paint­ing of Mary and Je­sus. Of course she loves her son.

–The Met

Hobo: Je­sus is our sav­ior! Wor­ship him, he’s done good things for us! He is the son of God!
Man: Sor­ry, what was that name again?
Hobo: Je­sus! Je­sus our sav­ior!
Man: Oh, Je­sus Christ?
Hobo: Yes, Je­sus Christ.
Man: Oh, okay.

–A train

Guy: Some­body stole the ba­by Je­sus! I’m ap­palled!
Hobo: Je­sus is­n’t born un­til Christ­mas.

–Hous­ton & Sul­li­van

Not a Crea­ture was Stir­ring

Dude: There are about 20 mice run­ning around the glassed-in area over there.
Store guy: Oh yeah. We know. Every Star­bucks has mice.
Store chick: They’re cute!

–Star­bucks, As­tor Place

Over­heard by: The Tep

Store guy: Wel­come to K‑mart! Hap­py Hol­i­days! Mer­ry Christ­mas!
Woman: Yeah, what­ev­er. Um, where do you have the rat poi­son?

–K‑mart, East 8th Street

Over­heard by: Aeri­al­ist

Poor Over­worked Kristi­na Kringle

Chick #1: Ohio is way dif­fer­ent. No­body walks any­where, we all dri­ve cars.
Chick #2: Oh yeah. Cars be ex­pen­sive. I work 3 jobs right now.
Chick #1: Ha, ha…really?
Chick #2: I work at Ma­cy’s, Mc­Don­alds, I babysit, and my dad has a
busi­ness that I have to help run be­cause he is so damn drunk.

–R train