Archive for 2005

…Of Peace on Earth…

Guy: He’s the biggest fucking asshole I ever met.
Chick: Yeah.
Guy: No, I’m serious. He’s the biggest fucking asshole in existence. The biggest–
Chick: –fucking asshole–
Guy: –I ever seen. Biggest. Biggest fucking–
Chick: –asshole. I got it.
Guy: And I gave that fucker $500 to make payments on his debt, and he doesn’t listen to word I say. And I gave his daughter something–
Chick: Herpes?
Guy: Shut the fuck up. Besides that. I gave his daughter…Hey, you gonna drink that? You throwin’ that away? You don’t throw away beer!
Chick: It’s all backwash.
Guy: Give it to me.
Chick: You’re disgusting.
Guy: Don’t fucking talk to me like that.
Chick: Or you’ll give me herpes?
Guy: Not yet. But just wait.
Chick: Don’t you dare even try to touch me. Let’s go get some smoothies.
Guy: I could use a fucking smoothie.
Chick: You’re paying.
Guy: Shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch.

–Original California Taqueria, Cobble Hill

Woman #1: He stepped on my foot!…He stepped on my foot!…Excuse me, you stepped on my foot.
Guy: Yeah, I know I did. You dropped that bottle on my foot.
Woman #2: It was an accident…
Woman #1: Don’t you see that my bag had a hole in it? It was an accident.
Guy: No, it wasn’t.
Woman #1: Oh yes, I did it deliberately.
Guy: That’s right you did.
Woman #1: Oh I’m so sorry I woke you from your precious sleep
Guy: Yeah, that’s right.

–B train

A suit on his cell accidentally bumps into a drunk girl on the LIRR platform. 

Drunk girl: Why don’t you say “excuse me!” What the fuck? Just say “excuse me!”.

He ignores her and continues to talk on his cell. The drunk girl dumps a cup of water on his crotch. He doesn’t flinch.

Drunk girl: Yeah, bitch! Next time say “excuse me”, and maybe your crotch won’t be wet!

He finishes his conversation and gets on the train. 

–Penn Station

Mixed guy: Getchoo elbow out my chest, man!
White man: Eh, I’m just holding onto the rail; it’s a packed train.
Mixed guy: Yeah, but why you got to be all up in my chest like that? Got you elbow in my chest!
White man: Well, does it even hurt?
Mixed guy: Yes. Why else would I even mention it? Respect my chest. Faggoty ass motherfucker. I gonna get the police all up in this shit, you motherfucking…respect my chest.
Irish guy: Shut up, yeh prick!

–1 train

Overheard by: Marguerite Carter

…And Mild And Sweet The Words Repeat…

Woman: No thanks, the shoes just didn’t look good on me.
Salesguy: Thanks for trying.
Woman: Uh, you’re welcome?

–Steve Madden, East 86th Street

Overheard by: Lucy

Old man: Is this bench for young people or old people? Because I only sit with the young.
Woman: It’s for everyone.
Old man: Well, since it’s Christmastime, I’ll sit with you.

–Roosevelt Island station

Overheard by: Suriya 

…Their Old Familiar Carols Play…

Woman: We were playing Christmas music last night. If you listen to the words, a lot of those songs really mean something.

–Rockefeller Center

Yuppie girl #1: God, this train is so crowded.
Yuppie girl #2: I hate it when the train is packed like this.
Yuppie girl #1: I just want to shove people, but there’s nowhere to shove them to, it’s so crowded.
Guy: Whoa, peace on earth, goodwill toward men, everyone just settle down.

–1 train

Mithras to His Friends (Happy Birthday!)

Man #1: You can tell she loves her son.
Man #2: Who?
Man #1: Mary.
Man #2: Mary who?
Man #1: There.
Man #2: …George, that’s a painting of Mary and Jesus. Of course she loves her son.

–The Met

Hobo: Jesus is our savior! Worship him, he’s done good things for us! He is the son of God!
Man: Sorry, what was that name again?
Hobo: Jesus! Jesus our savior!
Man: Oh, Jesus Christ?
Hobo: Yes, Jesus Christ.
Man: Oh, okay.

–A train

Guy: Somebody stole the baby Jesus! I’m appalled!
Hobo: Jesus isn’t born until Christmas.

–Houston & Sullivan 

Not a Creature was Stirring

Dude: There are about 20 mice running around the glassed-in area over there.
Store guy: Oh yeah. We know. Every Starbucks has mice.
Store chick: They’re cute!

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: The Tep 

Store guy: Welcome to K‑mart! Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas!
Woman: Yeah, whatever. Um, where do you have the rat poison?

–K‑mart, East 8th Street

Overheard by: Aerialist 

Poor Overworked Kristina Kringle

Chick #1: Ohio is way different. Nobody walks anywhere, we all drive cars.
Chick #2: Oh yeah. Cars be expensive. I work 3 jobs right now.
Chick #1: Ha, ha…really?
Chick #2: I work at Macy’s, McDonalds, I babysit, and my dad has a
business that I have to help run because he is so damn drunk.

–R train