Archive for 2005

Drunk Jerk? Or Every­man?

Drunk: I want a bag of cocaine…a bag of co­caine and two les­bians.
Girl­friend: You’re not go­ing to get it.
Drunk: Which, the bag of co­caine or the two les­bians?
Girl­friend: Nei­ther.
Drunk: Fuck you!
Girl­friend: What, am I not good enough for you?

–1st Ave. & 5th St.

Over­heard by: Alexan­der Ro­manovich

Kids Say the Stu­pid­est Things

Boy: Mom, can we buy these cook­ies?
Mom: No hon­ey, we can­not.
Boy: Why? Be­cause they have car­bo­hyb­o­raties in them? Mom, you’re scared of car­bo­hyb­o­raties, aren’t you?

–Grist­ede’s, UWS

Girl: Look! Can­taloupes! Mom! Look at the can­taloupes!
Mom: No dear, can­taloupes are a fruit. These are an­telopes.

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Sarah Glaz­er

Not Giv­ing The El­der­ly Their Med­i­cine Is Bet­ter

Nut­ty Old Bat: 90 bucks for my pills? I don’t have that kind of mon­ey with me. You’re go­ing to have to do bet­ter than that.
Phar­ma­cist: I’m sor­ry ma’am, that’s the price and we need your pre­scrip­tion.
Nut­ty Old Bat: I don’t have my pre­scrip­tion. I’m com­ing from the emer­gency room! How much for a pill? I need it. I haven’t had a pill since this morn­ing.
Phara­macist: I can’t get you one pill. I need your pre­scrip­tion. Just get one and come back to­mor­row.
Nut­ty Old Bat: You’re go­ing to have to do bet­ter than that.
Phar­ma­cist: I’m sor­ry ma’am. I can’t help you.
Nut­ty Old Bat: You’re go­ing to have to do bet­ter than that!
Phar­ma­cist: Have a good day ma’am.
Nut­ty Old Bat: Un­be­liev­able! She does­n’t want to do bet­ter than that!

–Bryant Park Du­ane Reade

Over­heard by: Fel­son Sajonas

The Gold­en Taste of Plea­sure

Woman #1: …and I was crouch­ing down with my 6 or 7 inch­es of my bare ass show­ing, it was so em­bar­rass­ing, and he stayed there!
Woman #2: Maybe he was a pee fetishist!
Woman #1: But he was young!
Woman #2: Maybe you turned him in­to a pee fetishist!

–No­ho of­fice bath­room

Fun­ny Ha-Ha or Fun­ny Rape?

Woman #1: I told my fam­i­ly that if I get old and can’t take care of my­self to hire me a…
Woman #2: A male nurse.
Woman #1: … a young, good-look­ing boy.
Woman #2: A male nurse.
Woman #1: Specif­i­cal­ly for the pur­pose of giv­ing me a sponge bath.
Woman #2: I have a fun­ny sto­ry about that.

–Park Plaza Din­er, Brook­lyn Heights

Over­heard by: TG

Al­co­holism: Not Just a Goal, But a Du­ty

Asian kid #1: That was your first shot and you did­n’t even drink it.
Asian kid #2: I did drink it. It just took me a long time.
Asian kid #1: It’s your fuck­ing birth­day. You’re sup­posed to be un­con­scious. You should have done that shit. I bought that shot for you, man. If some­one bought me a shot and I had had six­teen drinks, I would drink it any­way, just for the prin­ci­ple.

–9th street PATH Sta­tion

How I Spent My Morn­ing Com­mute, by Michael Mal­ice

Ital­ian sis­ter #1: I was com­ing here and this man fell down the stairs so I helped him. He kept falling down and falling down.
Ital­ian sis­ter #2: Was he old?
Ital­ian sis­ter #1: No, he was Chi­nese. Mid­dle aged man.

Ital­ian sis­ter #1: I’ve got that movie at home about the air­port.
Ital­ian sis­ter #2: What? Oh, um, Ter­mi­nal?
Ital­ian broth­er: What’s that?
Ital­ian sis­ter #1: It’s got Cather­ine Ze­ta Jones and, um, what’s his name?
Ital­ian broth­er: George Clooney?
Ital­ian sis­ter #1: No, he was in For­rest Gump. What’s his name?

Ital­ian sis­ter #1: She’s propos­ing to her boyfriend. With a watch! And it’s not even a Rolex, it’s a Tag.
Ital­ian broth­er: She’s propos­ing to her boyfriend?
Ital­ian sis­ter #1: Yeah. If you’re go­ing to force your boyfriend to mar­ry you, at least get him a Rolex. Plus she’s fat and ug­ly. If guys don’t pro­pose, girls don’t know what to do. So they go get a Tag watch!

Ital­ian sis­ter #2: Re­mem­ber yes­ter­day when that Chi­nese girl’s phone went off and it was a cat? I was like, “Din­ner call­ing!”
Ital­ian broth­er: That was fun­ny.

–D train