Archive for 2005

Drunk Jerk? Or Everyman?

Drunk: I want a bag of cocaine…a bag of cocaine and two lesbians.
Girlfriend: You’re not going to get it.
Drunk: Which, the bag of cocaine or the two lesbians?
Girlfriend: Neither.
Drunk: Fuck you!
Girlfriend: What, am I not good enough for you?

–1st Ave. & 5th St.

Overheard by: Alexander Romanovich

Kids Say the Stupidest Things

Boy: Mom, can we buy these cookies?
Mom: No honey, we cannot.
Boy: Why? Because they have carbohyboraties in them? Mom, you’re scared of carbohyboraties, aren’t you?

–Gristede’s, UWS

Girl: Look! Cantaloupes! Mom! Look at the cantaloupes!
Mom: No dear, cantaloupes are a fruit. These are antelopes.

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Sarah Glazer

Not Giving The Elderly Their Medicine Is Better

Nutty Old Bat: 90 bucks for my pills? I don’t have that kind of money with me. You’re going to have to do better than that.
Pharmacist: I’m sorry ma’am, that’s the price and we need your prescription.
Nutty Old Bat: I don’t have my prescription. I’m coming from the emergency room! How much for a pill? I need it. I haven’t had a pill since this morning.
Pharamacist: I can’t get you one pill. I need your prescription. Just get one and come back tomorrow.
Nutty Old Bat: You’re going to have to do better than that.
Pharmacist: I’m sorry ma’am. I can’t help you.
Nutty Old Bat: You’re going to have to do better than that!
Pharmacist: Have a good day ma’am.
Nutty Old Bat: Unbelievable! She doesn’t want to do better than that!

–Bryant Park Duane Reade

Overheard by: Felson Sajonas

The Golden Taste of Pleasure

Woman #1: …and I was crouching down with my 6 or 7 inches of my bare ass showing, it was so embarrassing, and he stayed there!
Woman #2: Maybe he was a pee fetishist!
Woman #1: But he was young!
Woman #2: Maybe you turned him into a pee fetishist!

–Noho office bathroom

Funny Ha-Ha or Funny Rape?

Woman #1: I told my family that if I get old and can’t take care of myself to hire me a…
Woman #2: A male nurse.
Woman #1: … a young, good-looking boy.
Woman #2: A male nurse.
Woman #1: Specifically for the purpose of giving me a sponge bath.
Woman #2: I have a funny story about that.

–Park Plaza Diner, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: TG

Alcoholism: Not Just a Goal, But a Duty

Asian kid #1: That was your first shot and you didn’t even drink it.
Asian kid #2: I did drink it. It just took me a long time.
Asian kid #1: It’s your fucking birthday. You’re supposed to be unconscious. You should have done that shit. I bought that shot for you, man. If someone bought me a shot and I had had sixteen drinks, I would drink it anyway, just for the principle.

–9th street PATH Station

How I Spent My Morning Commute, by Michael Malice

Italian sister #1: I was coming here and this man fell down the stairs so I helped him. He kept falling down and falling down.
Italian sister #2: Was he old?
Italian sister #1: No, he was Chinese. Middle aged man.

Italian sister #1: I’ve got that movie at home about the airport.
Italian sister #2: What? Oh, um, Terminal?
Italian brother: What’s that?
Italian sister #1: It’s got Catherine Zeta Jones and, um, what’s his name?
Italian brother: George Clooney?
Italian sister #1: No, he was in Forrest Gump. What’s his name?

Italian sister #1: She’s proposing to her boyfriend. With a watch! And it’s not even a Rolex, it’s a Tag.
Italian brother: She’s proposing to her boyfriend?
Italian sister #1: Yeah. If you’re going to force your boyfriend to marry you, at least get him a Rolex. Plus she’s fat and ugly. If guys don’t propose, girls don’t know what to do. So they go get a Tag watch!

Italian sister #2: Remember yesterday when that Chinese girl’s phone went off and it was a cat? I was like, “Dinner calling!”
Italian brother: That was funny.

–D train