Archive for August, 2006

Working Title: To Ralph, With Love

“Art” chick: So your film is only 7 minutes long. What it’s about?
“Film” chick: I don’t really know what it’s about, but I can tell you what happens. It’s in a classroom, but, like, it’s really just a room…When Karen vomits in the corner, it’s really exquisite.

–DuMont, Union Ave, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Philip

Except in This One, It’s Okay For Beaker and Dr. Bunsen to Experiment With Kermit

Tourist husband: So what is this show about?
Tourist wife: I believe it’s like a Muppets story.

Avenue Q, Golden Theater, W 45th St

Overheard by: Jose
Headline by: Michael 

· “The Muppets Take Manhattan, Roll It Over, Pull Its Hair and Make It Call Them ‘Daddy’ ” — Colin McCleod
· “…And Miss Saigon Is About a Beauty Pageant” — bri b
· “And Porn Is Like a Plumbing Story” — jdw
· “And the Dinner You Took Me to at Olive Garden? That Was Like Italian.” — Andy Klingenberger
· “Avenue Q Tickets: $120. The Looks on Vernon and Estelle’s Faces When They Hear ‘The Internet is for Porn’: Priceless” — what i wouldn’t give to watch them watch the show
· “Everyone’s a Little Misinformed” — ian
· “Maybe If the Muppets Took Fire Island” — Broomrider
· “The Same Way That Debbie Does Dallas Is a Travel Documentary” — Kristin Sacre
· “Today’s Letters Are S, E and X, and the Number Is 69” — Iain, London

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Oh, That Rooftop Party

Barista: Man, I need some Vicodin.
Female customer: Let me look in my bag. [Looks in bag] No, must be in my other bag. My butterfly bag.
Barista: Oh.
Female customer: Last year, when I was depressed, a friend of mine took all my drugs. Then I went to her place, and I said, “Hey, can I have my drugs back?” So she gives me this one bottle. And later I go in her bathroom, and I look in the medicine cabinet, and they’re all right there. I mean, why would she leave them there? She had to know I’d just go in there and take them back.
Barista: Ah.
Female customer: And later I went to a party – you know, that rooftop party – and someone stole all my OxyContin.
Barista: I was just kidding. I’ve had a stressful day.

–Alt.Coffee, Ave A between St Mark’s & 9th

Wednesday One-Liners Need the Cliffs Notes

Drunk college kid: I had to read Grapes of Wrath. Which, by the way, has no grapes! Pissed me off!

–53rd & 7th

20-Something chick: Non fiction? That’s true stuff right?

–Barnes & Noble, 54th between 3rd & Park

Older sister, giving younger brother a book entitled Living in Sin: Here, this is all about you.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Guy, to friend reading Dostoevsky’s The Idiot: Hey, is that your autobiography?

–Times Square

Overheard by: John

Ghetto white dude: Yo, that nigga is like Shakespeare. Mad gangsta.

–9th St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: shannon ramlochan 

Guy: You can’t talk to me for half an hour about Chaucer and then tell me you have a boyfriend.

–St Mark’s & 3rd

The Penis Mightier Than the Wednesday One-Liners

Small girl, pointing at an advertisement for Little Man: Look, Grandpa! He looks like a little man!…He has a huge penis!

–189th St

Braggart: My penis is heavier than a full-sized gruyere cheese.

–Red Hook

Guy dressed as a penis, on cell: If you don’t get down to 14th and 6th in another 5 minutes, this is one dick you are not going to see!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Madhu Maganti

Guy: I’d give an inch of my dick for the fries at Les Halles. They’re that good!…Ok, maybe half an inch.

–Park Avenue & 29th Street

Overheard by: 11221

Teen boy on cell: Hey, it’s Big Daddy! You know, Big Daddy! You showed me your penis ring last night.

–Times Square

Overheard by: laura

Woman: Aaah! I’ve got baby penises in my eye!

–Sephora, Times Square

Girl: Ooh, she is going to be in so much trouble. She got caught smoking cock.


Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills

Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I’m going home!

–Coney Island

20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t‑shirt: Look! That’s who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: Guy With Superman t‑shirt

Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.

–Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx

Overheard by: Joshua Drumm

Virgin-For-Life: He’s really sharp. He’s like the head of Voltron.

–23rd between 5th & 6th