Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Flaming Bag on Your Porch

Dude: It’s all right to be self-conscious about your feces.

–L train

Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed

Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit.

–Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5^th Ave

Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an’ shit already. I got places to be!

–112^th & Amsterdam

Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: I went at home

Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I’m going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty!

–Duane Reade, 70^th & Broadway

Overheard by: Yesenia

8‑year-old girl: Let’s play poo-poo!

–Green St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: twelvis

Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble

Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too…You’ve met Carla…You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.

–77^th & 2^nd

Overheard by: Joseph

Considerate guy: Hey, man, don’t burst his bubble. If it ain’t a man, it ain’t a man.

–Outside 10^th Precinct, W 20^th St

Voice on intercom: Sir, that’s the women’s restroom. Sir…Sir…Stop!

–Times Square

Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.

–F train

Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you’re the prettiest man I’ve ever seen.

–Women’s bathroom, Saloon, 83^rd & York

Overheard by: Aaron

Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who’s he supposed to be?

–Circle Line

Overheard by: emily

Young guy: …so, technically, I’m lactating. Technically.

–Central Park

He Eats Some of Them While They’re Still Alive

PETA activist: Excuse me, do you love animals?
Smart-Ass queer: Yes…They’re delicious.
PETA activist: Murderer!!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: very entertained carnivore

The Delis Are Going to Have to Start Selling Matzoh-Ball Soup

Black guy #1, noticing white guy walking down the street: Aw, man!
Black guy #2: There goes the neighborhood.
White guy: This is the cheapest rent in the city. You better believe my people are going to start moving here.

–Franklin Ave, Brooklyn

If at First You Don’t Succeed…

Halter-Top #1, screaming into cell: We’re on 10^th and One. One. One!
Halter-Top #2: Just tell him we’re at 10^th and one!
Halter-Top #1: One! [Pause] Oh, First? Is that what it’s called?

–10^th & 1^st

If She Doesn’t Put ‘Mexican’ in the Thesis Title, They Take Her Grant Money Away

Dental hygienist: What is your dissertation going to be on?
Grad student: The cultural barriers to health care for Mexican-born migrant farm workers.
Dental hygienist: How about the cultural barriers to health care for German-American dental hygienists with $2,500 deductables, instead?

–Hunter College

She Used Paint to Color Her Blonde Hair Brown

Dumb blonde #1: Yeah, so, like, Photoshop is better for, like, for photos, and Illustrator is better for, like, illustrations, and InDesign is better for, like, designing stuff.
Dumb blonde #2: Wow, I could never be a graphics person; that’s so much software.
Dumb brunette: I could! I use Paint all the time!

–Metro-North

OJ’s Kids Get Upset About the Strangest Things

Girl #1: My dad bugs me, too. He’s always buying orange juice because it costs less than other juices.
Girl #2: I’m sorry.
Girl #1: Now I fucking hate orange juice. What the fuck is that about? Orange juice is like a cheap whore to me now.

–Upper West Side

In Some Cultures, the Mother Rewards the Son on a Load-by-Load Basis

Little Asian boy: Guess what? I did it twice already this morning.
Mom: Did what?
Little Asian boy: Touch myself!

–Uptown M104 bus

Overheard by: Barry P.

Forgive Her; She Went to High School in Kansas

Woman, looking at fossil: So is this like, a thing, or did someone make this up?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard In New York

Archive for August, 2006