Conductor #1: Conductor, is the Clean Train Campaign in effect for this train?
Conductor #2: AAARRRGGGHHH!
–LIRR
Archive for September, 2006
Rape of the Sabine Transsexuals
Teen girl #1: If you were a guy, I would totally rape you.
Teen girl #2: Isn’t it the other way around?
Teen girl #1: No. I wouldn’t rape a girl. Unless she was a guy.
Teen girl #2: Oh.
–Broadway
You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First Conflagration
Suit #1: I guess I wasn’t invited. I wasn’t on my best behavior last year.
Suit #2: Well, you did light that horse on fire.
–Midtown
Astonishingly, This Didn’t Work When He Asked His Wife to Do Anal
Little girl: Daddy! Why can’t I try? Why can’t I ride it?
Dad, on mini-bike: Because I’m God, and God says so.
–72nd & 5th
Overheard by: better off agnostic
For Christmas She Wants Tickle-Me-to-Death Elmo
Little girl: Christmas is next!
Mother: No, first is Halloween, then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas.
Little girl: And then we die!
–Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Just Object When They Ask
Chick #1: Yeah, so I kinda wanna go to the wedding, you know, to see the spectacle.
Chick #2: Mm-hmm.
Chick #1: But on the other hand, I don’t want it to seem like she has any friends.
–Q65A bus
Overheard by: christine
Maybe You Should Get a Job at Starbucks Instead
Customer: I’ll have a twelve-inch wheat —
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: Um… twelve inches. Isn’t that a foot?
Deli guy: Foot-long, or half?
Customer: I think you’re missing something here.
–Subway, Elmsford
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
Don’t Get Him Started on American Chop Suey
Girl: And can I get brown rice with my order?
Waiter: No, we don’t have brown rice here. Only white rice.
Girl: Oh, OK.
Waiter: We don’t consider brown rice Chinese food.
–40th & 2nd
That’s Why You’ve Got to Get in There Before Meals
Building engineer #1, watching pretty girl disembark: Pretty girl.
Building engineer #2: Very pretty.
Building engineer #1: You know, I would eat a pile of shit to get to that ass.
–Elevator, 130 Liberty St
He Plans to Raise Free-Range Children
Guy #1: That was a beautiful pit bull.
Guy #2: Yeah, I’d love to have that pit bull, but I’m not responsible enough to have a dog. I’m gonna have some kids first so they can be responsible for the dog.
–Amtrak train