Black guy #1: It ain’t Halloween until you hit the ground.
Black guy #2 to friend trying to help a drunken princess: Don’t touch the white girl!
–7th & Greenwich
Archive for November, 2006
They Shared a Passionate but Disgusting Interlude
Girl #1: But what exactly does that mean, ‘Doesn’t shit where he eats’? I’ll kick his ass…
Girl #2: It means ‘not dating someone you work with.’
Girl #1: Oh, okay. I thought he was saying my pussy smells bad…
–Nation Bar, 45th St
And What Else Did You Take Gracefully?
Girl #1: So, he told me that I had the prettiest pussy he had ever seen.
Girl #2: Ew! What did you say?
Girl #1: I said, ‘Thank you.’ My mother told me to always take a compliment gracefully.
–Prince & Broadway
He’d Have Done It for Free
Bum, after lady hands him a pack of cigarettes: The whole pack?
Lady: Yeah, take them, you can have ’em.
Bum: That is so kind of you! I can’t believe it! How can I repay you?
Lady: No, no, just take them.
Bum: I know what I will do! I will make love to your dog.
–Ave A & 7th St
Overheard by: Anna Meyer
You’ll Never Be the Man Your Mother Was.
Girlfriend: You could just be gay.
Boyfriend: I don’t want to be gay! I just wanna be a woman.
–Houston & Lafayette
Headline by: Paul S
Runners-Up:
· “‘Cause surgery is easier than coming out” – Becky
· “Be All You Can’t Be” – Mike D
· “Cant have a man-made pussy and eat it, too” – N. Delwood
· “Career day counselors never know what to expect” – peter
· “It’s all pillow fights and boobies ’til you start PMSing.” – mthy
· “Michael Jackson’s Cosmetic Surgery Consultation Gets Hostile” – kane, okc
· “The long-awaited yet unanticipted answer to ‘Tell me what you want, what you really, really want'” – cinekat
· “Transexual does not a homosexual make” – i like men too
· “Vaginas: The Consolation Prize” – sh
· “Your Phantom Limb Will Still Want To Stem The Rose” – elrobinder
And Once You Try It a Few Dozen Times on ‘The Sims,’ You’ll Be Ready to Try It in Real Life, Little Camper
Ladies’ man #1: So just bang her out, then.
Ladies’ man #2: After what she did to me, I don’t think I can just give that to her.
Ladies’ man #1: The man always has the upper hand — you should just bang her out and then call her the next day and be like, ‘Hey, do you have any cute friends you could hook me up with?’ You know, make her feel like shit.
–Uptown A train
Overheard by: JD
Eddie’s Vacation Fund Finally Pays Off
Guy soliciting money: Just one penny. Just one penny to help the homeless.
Contributor: Where’s Eddie?
Guy soliciting money: Eddie? Oh, he’s on vacation this week.
–Outside Barnes and Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Bob who gives at the office
Here’s an Alka-Seltzer and a Dildo
Hot male nurse: Is there anything else that’s bothering you?
Drunk girl: Yeah, I want to puke, and I need to get laid.
–Saint Luke’s Hospital
Overheard by: evie
Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything to Get This Part
Girl: Seriously, I’d give, like, 20 blowjobs to get an apartment.
–Barna, 26th & Park
Overheard by: Greg
Crazy guy: I gotta stop eating pussy. I’m losing my breath.
–F train
Girl to guy: If you don’t like oral sex, don’t open your mouth.
–68th St station
Overheard by: liza
Guy defending self to group of friends: I’ve tasted pussy!
–Chelsea
Overheard by: Reina
Guy on cell: Which one? Me sucking dick or San Francisco?
–Wagner College, Staten Island
Teen girl: I need balls in my mouth.
–Disney Store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Gin
Ghetto teen: And so she was suckin’ my dick, and there was a 10 dollar bill on the table, and — get this — when she stopped suckin’, it was gone! Bitch took my money!
–Fulton Mall, Brooklyn
Overheard by: djingo
Wednesday One-Liners Run All Night
Middle-aged man at Metrocard machine to MTA booth employee: You know these things don’t work, right? I mean, you know they don’t work? [Employee ignores him] Hey, do you care?
–Grand Central
MTA lady on loudspeaker: [Stops singing loudly] What? No, the speaker’s not on. You can hear me? But it’s not on. Huh? You can hear me, too? Damn.
–Union Street Station, Park Slope
Overheard by: Just wanna wait in peace
MTA guy with microphone: Please keep your eyes open — there is a large rat running around on the platform. Please keep your eyes open — large rat — very large.
–V Station, 51st St
Overheard by: Ethan
MTA lady talking to no one visible: You one-armed nuisance! You are really getting on my nerves!
–In front of Staten Island Ferry, Staten Island
Overheard by: Jackie
Happy hour queen ascending subway steps: Did you know all these spots are gum? This entire subway station is constructed of chewing gum!
–Subway station, 14th & 7th
Overheard by: wish i had a drink too
Disgruntled man: Who needs terrorists when you have the MTA?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Alice