Archive for November, 2006

Wednesday One-Liners Are Footloose

Guy: I don’t think people are ready to do the Charleston, yet. Because it’s so spiritual, you know?

–Grand & Mulberry

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Guy with fliers: Ladies, come on in and meet your future husbands. They’ll be the ones dancing on the poles.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Too young to marry strippers

Guy: What? Bar None? Bar None is just a whorehouse with a dance floor.

–12th and 3rd Ave

Black dude: Damn, girl, you so fine you’d make an African in a canoe with a spear wanna jump up and dance!

–2nd Ave & 11th

Overheard by: gneumatic

Poorly-dancing Asian guy: I feel really Latino when I’m dancing to Spanish music.

–Gonzalez y Gonzalez, Broadway

Overheard by: javster

Dorky college freshman: Dude, I totally blacked-out last night… Last thing I remember I was dancing with her mom.

–1 train, Times Square station

Overheard by: Gnomar the gnome

Post-Literate Wednesday One-Liners

Bum to man stumbling while reading Hamlet: Yeah, that’s right, Hamlet. That’s what you get for killing Polonius that way, you son of a bitch.

–W 43rd

Overheard by: Richard Harrington

Pious woman: And when he said to take out our Bibles, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know it was BYOB!

–18th & 10th

Overheard by: Owen

Guy on cell: Yeah, I’m at terminal four. Did you bring a dictionary? No? Oh, shit!

–Air Shuttle, JFK

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Guy: I totally want to spoon with Amy Guth, but like, her novel is so fucking weird she’d probably have to kill me first.

–Subway platform, Columbus Circle, 59th St

Overheard by: Karen Birchman

Fat lady: No, no, I was full when I got to the library, and then — I was empty.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Old hippie on phone: Don’t worry about how much time you have — I read this book on string theory that says time is just a human construct and means nothing at all. [Pause] No, I won’t be able to make it there on time.

–Pizza Place, Waverly & Mercer

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

I’m Proud to Be a Wednesday One-Liner

Homeless guy: I got a sore on my left foot! Look at it! That’s what comes from being in America!

–Beth Israel Emergency Room, 18th & 1st

Doorman: So I looked her straight in the face and I said, ‘Listen, you’re in America now.’

–Mandarin Oriental Hotel, Columbus Circle

Yasser Arafat look-alike: If she’s naked, don’t go in there; I know how these goddamn American girls are.

–Bedford St & W 4th

Overheard by: Birthday Boy

Woman in exaggerated Latin accent: Run, run, American people! Run before you miss the train!

–Uptown 6 train, Wall St station

Overheard by: gay among hardhats

Guy: It’s an old American name, like in the Bible.

–A train arriving at 59th St

Overheard by: IanM

Park Avenue woman, upset because cashier didn’t have quarters: I have every right to be nasty! I’m an American! I’m a fucking New Yorker!

–23rd & Park

Spanish hipster tourist: Americans are the worst!

–Apple store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Wednesday One-Liners Have ‘Roid Rage

Teen guy: My math teacher says that I should learn this stuff since it’s going to be useful, but I told her, ‘When I go to college, I’m majoring in Lacrosse.’ The coach can hire a tutor for anything else they want me to do.

–Amtrak train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Lacrosse-titute

Conductor: Fourth avenue. Transfer here to the R train on the lower level. The time is 6:36. The score is five-four, Mets. Thank you for riding MTA New York City Transit.

–F stop, 4th Ave

Overheard by: mili

Conductor: And don’t forget, you heard it here first: Yankees, five, Detroit, two. Mets… more than the other team. Anyone knows who the other team is, that’s good. Mets gonna have more runs than the other team. Next stop, 34th street.

–Downtown A train

Overheard by: Pebbles

Woman on cell: Well, I’m sorry if my commitment to the Mets is not all you had hoped it would be!

–2nd Ave & 82nd St

Overheard by: aislinn

Yankees fan: So they found Lidle’s passport… Did they find his pitching arm?

–53rd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: tragedy + 2 minutes = comedy

Guy: This goddamn fucking son of a bitch! Darryl Strawberry just stole a thousand dollars from me!

–Office, 30th St

Overheard by: Bagel

B&T girl: I hate sports. I mean, I don’t even know what’s going on down there.

–On line for Slate

Overheard by: acep

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Jizzt

Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?

–Chinatown bus

Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: renata

Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!

–20th & 5th

Overheard by: I want to get on her plan

Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.

–1 train

Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.

–5th Ave

NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?

–Waverly & Broadway

Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Essence Of NYC: A Play in One Act

Bimbo tourist #1: Anyway, so when he pulled it out of me it made this farting noise, and I know it wasn’t a fart because it didn’t smell, and… It was just really embarrassing.
Bimbo tourist #2: Quip.
Bimbo tourist #1: What?
Bimbo tourist #2: A quip. The farting noise, it’s called a ‘quip.‘
Bimbo tourist #1: Oh, they have a name for it? Wow.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, totally. It happens to a lot of people.
Stranger: Um, that’s not right.
Bimbo tourist #2: Excuse me, sir?
Stranger: No, it’s ‘queef.‘
Bimbo tourist #2: Wait, what?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he’s saying his name is ‘Queef’ or something.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, sorry. Excuse me, Queef?
Stranger: No… Oh, lord. The sound, it’s ‘queef.‘
Bimbo tourist #2: Who’s a ‘queef’? What’s going on?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he’s one of those crazy subway guys you hear about. I think he’s telling us he’s gay.
Stranger: I can hear you, and I’m not… What? That’s ‘queer,’ you ingrate!
Bimbo tourist #1: Here’s some money for you, sir. Buy your boyfriend a nice grocery cart or something.
Stranger: What?! Does it look like I’m homeless to you? I’m wearing fucking YSL over here… I ain’t queer and I ain’t homeless. You ignorant, you skinny, Paris Hilton-wannabe whores. All I was saying to you was that when your sleazy-ass friend over here pulled her boyfriend’s dick out of her STD-ridden pussy, the word…
Bimbo tourist #1: I’m not following… Is he speaking Cockney or something?
Bimbo tourist #2: I don’t know. Are you allowed to mace crazy hobos?
Stranger: …I’m not fucking crazy!
Bimbo tourist #2: Of course you aren’t, sir.
Passenger: Oh, shut your mouth, both of ya, or I’m gonna whoop both your scrawny asses, you hear?
Stranger: Thank you. All I was saying was…
Old lady: Ah, hell no! Can’t you see this conversation has gone past anyone in this damn subway’s comprehension? Know when to drop it, brother. Know when to drop it.
Bimbo tourist #2: [Mouthing] Oh my god.
Bimbo tourist #1: I know. That was intense.
Stranger, muttering to himself: … Last time I ever take a subway… Unbelievable shit I put up with… Fucking Civics… Unreliable fuckers…

–L train