Shopgirl: Can I help anyone with anything?
Man: Yeah, can you give me a lobotomy? ‘Cause I really need one.
Shopgirl: Sorry, no.
Man: C’mon, just bring out a sledgehammer!
–Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker Street
Archive for 2006
“Do they fuck?”
Guy #1: So what are you doing this weekend?
Guy #2: I am heading out for my niece’s birthday party.
Guy #1: Nice. Is she hot?
Guy #2: Well she’s only 3, but she has some cute 4 year old friends I could introduce you to.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Brian
Yeah, He Probably Was Stronger Than Her
Girl: This is not going to happen. My mother taught me respect. I know you understand that. I do not give it out on the train. Not my name, not my number. You understand that.
Dude: Yeah, I hear you. I can respect that. Nothin’ but respect.
She gets off the train.
Dude: Man, I fucked way finer girls than that. I’m sayin’, I could’ve got off the train with her and fucked that bitch.
–4 train
Overheard by: DA
That’s the Ticket!
Crazy codger: I’m on the sex train. Wooha.
Conductor guy: Tickets, please.
Crazy codger: We’re all gonna have fucking sex!
Conductor guy: Tickets.
Crazy codger: What the fuck do you want? Sex?
–LIRR
Overheard by: Dan
Jealous Doesn’t Begin to Describe It
Chick: Are you Jon Lovitz?
Jon Lovitz: Jealous?
–Union Square
Stepmom is on the Fence
Girl: I have to go to the doctor soon.
Guy: Why?
Girl: Because I can’t breathe.
Guy: That’s not good.
Girl: Yeah, my dad doesn’t think so either.
–Rubin Hall Residence, 5th Avenue
Uh Oh, She’s Radioing for Backup
Cashier girl: You have more than 10 items.
White man: Who are you? Are you the items police?
Cashier girl: You’re only allowed to have 10 items.
White man: Fine, but I have two of the same items, so does that count as one item or two?
Cashier girl: I have to call the manager.
–D’Agostino, 76th & Lexington
Overheard by: Andrew Saint John Goodwin
A Fist Will Make Her Deep
Guy: You should become a lesbian. It seems to be working out for everyone else.
Girl: Yeah, um, I’ll have to pass.
Guy: You’re so shallow.
–A train
Overheard by: drewseph
This Sounds Better in a Courtroom
Guy #1: All I remember is walking into your room and everyone was smoking opium and sitting on the bed that was two feet from the ceiling.
Guy #2: Yeah, and remember Mr. Millard?
Guy #1: Yeah, remember when he died?
Guy #2: Oh my god, yeah, I was so happy, that fucker!
–L train
Overheard by: Mary C.
It’s John Bay-ner, Pervert
Salesman#1: How do you pronounce this guy’s name?
Salesman#2: I’m afraid to try; I might chip a friggin’ tooth.
–Jacob Javits Center
Overheard by: willy k
