Archive for 2006

Or They Might Have Just Moved Man­hat­tan around It

Hip­ster teen #1: Dude, where the hell is Madi­son Square Gar­den?
Hip­ster teen #2: Yo, I don’t know. My mom said it’s over here some­where. It was right here last time I came!
Hip­ster teen #1: Dude, they don’t just move Madi­son Square Gar­den.
Hip­ster teen #2: Yeah, you nev­er know, though. With all them ter­ror­ists and shit, they got to move stuff all the time.

–36th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Cor­rie

Or We’ll Nev­er Fin­ish This Haiku

Mid­dle-aged woman: … And you can’t just tell me what you thought of it?
Mid­dle-aged man: I can tell you. I’ll tell you in two words: Anal in­ter­course.
Mid­dle-aged woman: No, no. Give me three words.

–Broad­way & 35th, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Three­’s a Crowd

It’s Ac­tu­al­ly a Bus Ride to His Mom’s in Hobo­ken on Sun­day

Man on cell: I have to go to Bangkok — I’m get­ting a plane out to­mor­row. Wait, what day is it to­day? I’m go­ing Tues­day.
Cou­ple near­by: It’s the 19th, a Tues­day.
Man on cell: Is it? I have no sense of time any­more with­out my com­put­er. Every­thing is on my com­put­er. Well, I guess I’m leav­ing Thurs­day then.

–M1 bus

Over­heard by: Coul­da sworn it was Mon­day.

How I Learned To Stop Wor­ry­ing And Love Eu­gen­ics

Bim­bo #1: I just want to move to an­oth­er state, you know?
Bim­bo #2: Yeah, like fur­ther south?
Bim­bo #1: No, prob­a­bly Aus­tralia.
Bim­bo #2: Oh my God, me too! My cousin owns this train sta­tion, we could to­tal­ly go!
Bim­bo #1: Nah. I have a date tonight.

Head­line by: john­ny pis­soff

Run­ners-Up:

· “All Aboard the Pangea Ex­press” — Stitch­es

· “And Aus­trali­a’s like, “WTF mate?”” — one L

· “Ash­ley crush­es yet an­oth­er of Jes­si­ca’s plans.” — Hei­di

· “Be­sides, i dont speak ger­man…” — sen­ny

· “Crikey! Thank God the Stingrays Got Me Be­fore They Ar­rived.” — Katie

· “Go­ing Down, But Not Un­der” — sigh

· “It’s good to see Condy get­ting out more” — mp

· “Wait, You Have a Date? That Does­n’t Even Make Sense.” — 08kjl


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

And the Spe­cial Olympics Run­ners To­tal­ly Re­move That Ex­tra Chro­mo­some be­fore Every Track Meet

Chick #1 over­look­ing the Wom­en’s Wheel­chair fi­nals: Are they over there play­ing ten­nis in wheel­chairs?
Chick #2: Yeah, I think they are.
Chick #1: Oh, please, you know they’re push­ing those chairs with their feet.

–US Open, Queens

Over­heard by: Work­ing on my back­hand

Since I Broke My Lit­tle Broth­er

Tip­sy 15-year-old girl #1: … And then they gave her a breathal­iz­er, and my mom said I could­n’t drink ’til ninth grade!
Tip­sy 15-year-old girl #2: My broth­er got a breathal­iz­er!
Tip­sy 15-year-old girl #3: I want a breathal­iz­er.
Tip­sy 15-year-old girl #1: Why?
Tip­sy 15-year-old girl #3: To play with!

–In­di­an restau­rant, 6th St & 1st Ave

Over­heard by: Ohmy­god­stopserv­ingth­em

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get the Door Prize

Con­duc­tor: All doors are cre­at­ed equal. Please use all avail­able doors.

–4 train

Over­heard by: Mag­gie

Con­duc­tor, at 34th St: Stand clear of the clos­ing doors, please. [At 42nd St] Yo, stand clear the doors. [At 50th St] Yo, stand clear the bloody doors. [At 7th Ave] Yo, I ain’t playin’! Stand clear the fuckin’ doors!

–E train

Con­duc­tor: Lis­ten, folks. I’m paid by the hour, so I can wait here all day. But if you want to get home, please get those id­iots block­ing the doors the hell in­side the car. Thank you.

–3 train

Con­duc­tor on PA: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this is High Street. The next stop is Broad­way-Nas­sau. Stand clear of the clos­ing doors. You the maaan!

–C train

Over­heard by: The Man

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, doors don’t hold peo­ple! Peo­ple hold doors.

–R train

Con­duc­tor to woman who jammed her stroller in­to the sub­way doors: That was un­be­liev­able. You are un­be­liev­able. You just used a ba­by to hold open the doors.

–3 train, 14th St

Over­heard by: clarence rosario

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Say It, But They Don’t Re­al­ly Mean It

Queer to hip­ster chick: Hon­ey, you’re not a hip­ster! … I’m sor­ry I said that.

–New School Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: smoon

Hobo: Ex­cuse me, ladies and gen­tle­men. I’m sor­ry to both­er you, but I was won­der­ing if you could help me out. If you could give me just one pen­ny, I’d re­al­ly ap­pre­ci­ate it. [Yup­pie woman hands him a quar­ter.] I asked for one pen­ny. You gave me 24 cents too much [hands the quar­ter back and walks away].

–Brook­lyn-bound F train

Con­ser­v­a­tive­ly-dressed la­dy: I’m so sor­ry! My birth canal was show­ing!

–At­lantic Ave & Clin­ton St

Over­heard by: amalthya & schizo

Dude on cell: I did­n’t know you want­ed to be­come priest… What?! You have to go through all that shit just to be a dea­con?! My god! … Sor­ry man, I did­n’t mean it like that…

–Union Square

Man on cell: I’m sor­ry, but I’m in New Jer­sey right now… When? Okay, Mon­day night… Of course I’ll be there, you have my word.

–M14 bus, Ave A

La­dy suit: Now I am to­tal­ly sor­ry I stalked you — it was so not worth the ef­fort.

–47–50 Rock­e­feller Cen­ter train sta­tion

Over­heard by: Sand­manEsq

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Wear Their Rub­bers

Girl: Those weath­er web­sites are so un­re­li­able. They all say dif­fer­ent things. The oth­er day, I went to one, and it was like, ‘Part­ly sun­ny.’ Okay. Then I went to an­oth­er, and it was like, ‘Par­ty cloudy.’ They’re all dif­fer­ent.

–NYU res­i­dence hall, Lafayette St

Over­heard by: Rusty V

Guy sell­ing um­brel­las: Acid rain in the fore­cast to­day. Acid rain all day. Get your um­brel­las!

–86th & Lex

Over­heard by: Won­der­ing what the um­brel­las were made out of

Girl: The rain is the tears of Re­pub­li­cans.

–Hamil­ton Hall, Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: alex

High school chick on cell: The glac­i­ers are gonna melt and the sea is gonna rise, and then you best hope it does­n’t rain… I don’t know, I haven’t read that far yet.

–Spring St

Over­heard by: Dan

Suit on cell: It’s rain­ing like a whore!

–Penn Sta­tion