Girlfriend: Will you love me forever and ever?
Boyfriend: Yes, even if you broke up with me and shot me and cut me into little bits and set the bits on fire.
Girlfriend: I would never break up with you.
–Central Park
Archive for 2006
Diamonds are Forever, but Red Lobster is Just one day. Unless you Get food Poisoning
Ghetto girl #1: Yo, he better treat me better than that. I’m talking roses, bling, Red Lobster…
Ghetto girl #2: Girl that’s so true, I’m puttin’ that on my Myspace.
–Union Square
Overheard by: D. P.S.
It’s Funny, That Never Worked for me in College
Hobo #1: I am not celibate!
Hobo #2: Yo, man, get over here!
–3rd Ave & 11th
They do Them on the Team bus
Little boy: Do you play basketball?
Black man: Yes I do.
Little boy: Do you play for the Knicks?
Boy’s mom: Yes, professional basketball players spend their time off doing sudoku puzzles on the subway. Let’s go.
–Downtown 1 train
Overheard by: Allisa
Susan. She’s Single, on the Rebound, and Not Worried About a Little Thing Like Alzheimer’s
Guy: I can’t believe he’s gone. He was such a good man.
Girl: I know, I feel so bad for Susan.
Older woman: I know, poor Susan. He was everything to her.
Older man: I know, what a wonderful guy he was. I remember that party we all went to, he had so much fun. [Whispering to older woman] Who are we here to see again?
–Funeral Home, Queens
Overheard by: Glad I’m not Susan
Seven Months Later, she Complains About Having to Step Around the Amniotic Fluid to Get to the Door
Hobo woman: Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for…
Non-hobo man: Oh, hell no!
Hobo woman: … for interupting you during your trip. I’m homeless…
Non-hobo man: I’m homeless, too! Shut-up!
Homeless woman: And I’m two months pregnant…
Non-hobo man: You ain’t pregnant! You just fat! Sit-down and shut-up!
–F train
Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy
It’s her Love of hot Chocolate, if You Follow me
Guy: Yeah, we call my brother’s girlfriend Swiss Miss.
Girl: Is that because she’s Brazilian?
–Purity Diner, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Cleo
Luke.… I Am Your Wednesday-One-Liners
Jappy Teenage daughter: Daddeeee! I want you to get rid of sweat.
–50th & 8th
Overheard by: Lord…
Black woman on cell: I don’t like big, Black, aggressive men. I like light-skinned men, cause I’m Jamaican. I just found out I’m Jamaican like five years ago. My mom told me the guy who I thought was my father is not my real father. But you know, I don’t hold nothing against him. Dude paid child support and shit.
–Queens bound 7 Train
Hoochie with baby: As soon as he came outta me and I saw what color he was, oh no, I knew who his daddy was. But I love the shit outta my son.
–R Train
Little girl: When I don’t want to listen to my dad I just say ‘Talk to the hand!’
–Wooster St & Spring St
Little kid in stroller: Dad, is this us?
–Inside subway car on NYC subway IRT line at 34 thst stop
Overheard by: Steve Grant
Wednesday One-Liners in Whiteface
Extremely large guy: Yo, I’m scared of clowns for reeeaaal.
–Court & Montague, Brooklyn
Mother to young child, after ghetto girl passes: No, honey, she’s not a clown. She just likes to dress that way.
–95th & Madison
Overheard by: Don Ricardo
Mother, watching a clown holding a briefcase walk onto the train: [to child] Look, honey, it’s a funny clown!… [to husband] Do you think he has a bomb in that briefcase?
–F train
Overheard by: and then i burst out laughing.
Wednesday One-Liners Failed Third Grade, Just Like Einstein
Queer: Fuck you! I’m a smart gay!
–23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Keesha Brown
Accidental ironist: Yeah, obviously he has no sense of smartness.
–68th & Lex
Overheard by: Casti
Hipster guy: I erased two years of my life with drugs. Two solid years! But I’m too smart to erase more than that.
–Chinatown bus
Girl on cell: They said that I’m smart, and that I can articulate well. But I’m not… you know… Oh, whatever.
–Queensboro Community College
Overheard by: LizDayglow
Tween boy to dad: I’m looking for a girl who’s younger and smarter.
–71st & West End
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
