Archive for 2006

Just Get Him Sauced and Toss Him in the Broil­er

Ob­nox­ious white lawyer to his Chi­na doll date: We’ll have un­a­ju. I think un­a­ju is eel from the sea, and un­a­ji is eel from a riv­er.
Ob­nox­ious white lay­w­er to the Japan­ese sushi chef: We’ll have un­a­ju. Is it true that un­a­ju is eel from the sea, and un­a­ji is eel from a riv­er?
Japan­ese sushi chef nods po­lite­ly.
Ob­nox­ious white lawyer to his Chi­na doll date: Did you hear that? Un­a­ju is eel from the sea, and un­a­ji is eel from a riv­er.

–Shimizu, W 51st & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Asian Amer­i­can cou­ple who had to deal with this all night long

She Ei­ther Wants a Gangs­ta or a Chick­en Sand­wich

Grand­ma to cry­ing 5‑year-old: Get a job if you want it that bad­ly! Get a damn job! If you were in Rus­sia, you’d be work­ing. If you were in Chi­na, you’d be out work­ing in the rice pad­dies. God­damn. I’m gonna put you in a sweat­shop. This is Grand­ma’s week­end to find a man. Gonna go up to the Bronx. Gonna hit the BX and find a BK.

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Let’s Get Some Ice Cream and Give Him a Call

Girl: Oh my god. Don’t even men­tion his name to me. I hate him so much.
Guy: You mean hate him like you’d wan­na set him on fire hate him?
Girl: I mean hate him like I would­n’t even shit on him if some­one else set him on fire.
Guy: Uh… I be­lieve the phrase is “I would­n’t piss on him if he was on fire”.
Girl: Yeah, what­ev­er. It’s all the same when you’re lac­tose-in­tol­er­ant.

–Green­wich Ave & 12th St

Over­heard by: hap­py milk drinker

They Must’ve Re­hearsed That for Weeks

Drunk guy: Hey there! Have we met be­fore? I’m sure we have.
Sober girl: No, we haven’t.
Drunk guy: Yeah we have! Where do I know you from?
Sober girl: No where. We’ve nev­er met.
Drunk guy: YES, we have! I know we have!
Sober girl: Yeah, now that you men­tion it. We have met.
Drunk guy: See! I told you. Where did we meet again?
Sober girl: Your dreams, drunk­ie.

–Sut­ton Place, 53rd & 2nd

Good Thing His Friends Had His Back

Guy #1: Dude, he was so drunk, he was twist­ed. He’d had like, I don’t know, 25 shots.
Guy #2: 25 shots? Of what??
Guy #1: Of vod­ka I guess. He was sit­ting in his BMW hold­ing the wheel and falling asleep.
Guy #2: He was dri­ving??
Guy #1: Naw… Fuck­er was too drunk to re­al­ize he for­got to turn the car on.

–Moeshe’s Falafal, 46th & 6th

Over­heard by: Wait­ing for Falafal

The Hero­ic Re­straint of Sub­way Con­duc­tors

Black la­dy, scream­ing: Hold the train, hold the train!
Con­duc­tor: Why are you scream­ing at me?
Black la­dy, stopped and star­ing at him: I want you to hold the door so it does­n’t hit me.
Con­duc­tor: Just get on the train
Black la­dy: Hold the door!
Con­duc­tor: Shut up and get on the train, God I’m go­ing to hang my­self.

–A train, 59th St