Archive for 2006

Ze­ro Chris­tians Set to March in Union Square

Guy #1: What, you got a prob­lem with me curs­ing?
Guy #2: Nah, nah, it’s just that, you know, sayin’ “holy fuck” is like talkin ’bout Je­sus’s mom fuckin’ his dad and it’s not cool to talk about Je­sus’s mom fuckin’ peo­ple.
Guy #1: Dum­b­ass, Je­sus’s mom did­n’t fuck any­one. She was a fuckin’ vir­gin. How do I know this and you don’t? You’re the Chris­t­ian.
Guy #2: What are you talkin’ ’bout? How could Je­sus have been born if his mom had­n’t screwed his dad? Wait, who was Je­sus’s dad again?
Guy #1: Dude, are you se­ri­ous?

–F train

Oh, So Now It’s Our Fault?

The train has been sit­ting with its doors open.

Con­duc­tor: PA sys­tem test.

A dude leans out the door and yells to the con­duc­tor.

Dude: It’s work­ing, now can we get a fuck­ing move on?
Con­duc­tor: Every­one, it’s go­ing to be a few more min­utes while that guy thinks about what he’s said.

–Q train

That’s Not Even Poi­son to Malar­ia, Sil­ly!

Wait­ress: Would you care for any­thing to drink?
British woman: What would you like to drink?
Lati­na moth­er-in-law: What­ev­er you’re hav­ing.
British woman: I’m hav­ing a glass of poi­son, would you like a glass of poi­son?
Lati­na moth­er-in-law: Mm-hmm.
British woman: Are you sure you want a glass of poi­son?

She nods.

British woman: We’ll have two gin and ton­ics.

–Han­rat­ty’s Restau­rant, Madi­son Av­enue

An Ap­ple in the Mouth is More Tra­di­tion­al

Man #1: Yo, your girl is huge.
Man #2: I like big ladies; more to love.
Man #1: But damn, she’s all, “Ba­by, give me more mac­a­roni and cheese. Ooh yeah ba­by, put more cheese on top.” That’s sick, man.
Man #2: Yeah, but she knows how do to her thing, you know?
Man #1: Fuck that. She can’t even get through a sen­tence with­out run­ning out of breath. Cough­ing and wheez­ing, sweat run­ning down her face.
Man #2: What do you want me to do?
Man #1: Give her a fuck­ing car­rot or some­thing! Shit.

–C train

Over­heard by: Melis­sa Fahlstrom