Archive for January, 2007

In­sa­tiable Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swal­lowed it.

–Sul­li­van & Bleeck­er

Teen girl at hu­man limbs ex­hib­it: Hm­mm, I’m hun­gry.

–Bod­ies Ex­hib­it, South St Sea­port

Frat boy on cell: I miss you, ba­by. I love ya. I want to taste your sali­va. Call me lat­er when you’re drunk.

–Uni­ver­si­ty Pl & 14th St

Over­heard by: Erin

Bim­bette light­ing a cig­a­rette: This prob­a­bly is­n’t what I should be hav­ing for break­fast.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Man on cell: Have you talked about coat­ing her in peanut but­ter and jel­ly and eat­ing her like a sand­wich? No? Okay.

–Star­bucks, Court St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Mmm­Sand­wich

Mom: Who’s the yum­mi­est ba­by in the world? Is it you? Are you su­per-duper yum­my?

–115th St & Broad­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Fail Eng­lish? That Un­pos­si­ble.

Crack­head girl talk­ing to old pimp: I don’t know why for she call you… Just to be talkin’ shit… You know how I be is…

–Bed-Stuy

Vas­sar stu­dent: If I spoke France flu­ent­ly, I’d be there right now!

–West 7th & Av­enue T

Man lean­ing in­to friend’s car win­dow: Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight. [Sees a guy across the street] Hey, man, you aight? Aight… Nah, she aight…

–150th & Ma­combs

Black woman: He coul­da played for the Bears, he coul­da played for the Jets, but noth­ing nev­er stucked.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: off white

Earnest stu­dent giv­ing pre­sen­ta­tion: I was go­ing to talk about Freud, but I de­cid­ed he was tan­gen­i­tal to the dis­cus­sion.

–NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

Over­heard by: She was­n’t kid­ding, and no one laughed

Artis­tic hip­ster wannabe: Al­so, not to get too psy­choanalit­er­a­ture…

–Star­bucks, Union Square West

Over­heard by: Ben­jamin

Thug: Yo, nig­ga, don’t make me yo’ es­cape­goat!

–4 train, Bronx

Over­heard by: charles el­liot

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Know Best

Woman on cell: My fa­ther is, like, my re­tard­ed child.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: Rick

Chick on cell: My fa­ther’s sis­ter moved there. Then my aunt went.

–29th & Park

Over­heard by: Adam Nathan

Drunk guy: Ew! Mom and Dad have foot sex? I don’t even want to think about it!

–Far Rock­away train

Over­heard by: Liz

Lit­tle tourist girl: A lot of peo­ple are wear­ing black to­day, Dad­dy.

–46th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Scarfish

Woman to an­oth­er: Every time I get preg­nant, I al­ways wor­ry, ‘Who mah ba­by dad­dy?’

–Barnes & No­ble, Union Square

Guy to friends: So, you did­n’t fon­dle her dad’s bel­ly?

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Stu­dent on cell: Hi, Dad! How are you? [Long pause] This is your son.

–NYU Law

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Al­ways Have a Date

Man on cell: I had nev­er used a dil­do be­fore, you know? It’s just nev­er come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young any­more — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was go­ing fine, but then I did­n’t know you’re not sup­posed to shove it in that fast…

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: Pe­ter L

Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dil­do, it’s a back mas­sager from Du­ane Reade.

–Christo­pher & 7th

Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vi­bra­tor, and I’m all set!

–Du­ane Reade, Mon­tague & Court, Brook­lyn

Young woman turn­ing to male friend: So, bud, con­quered any good buttplugs late­ly?

–6 train

Girl whis­per­ing: I think that girl in line be­hind me just read this text about rub­ber pussy cups!

–Vic­to­ri­a’s Se­cret dress­ing room

20-some­thing guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of be­ing the guy with all the good sex toys!

–56th & 9th

The Orig­i­nal Ray’s Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy on cell: We can eat piz­za and watch peo­ple’s faces get cut off!

–Nas­sau & Hum­boldt, Green­point

Drunk guy: Come eat this piz­za! It’s the best fuck­ing piz­za in the city. Best fuck­ing piz­za in the city. I fuck­ing guar­an­tee it. Fuck­ing best piz­za. Good choice, ma’am. This is the best fuck­ing piz­za in the city. [Passer­by goes in, ex­its 10 min­utes lat­er.] God, I have no idea what I’m go­ing to do with my life.

–Bleeck­er & Sul­li­van

Over­heard by: d f

Tourist: Oh, Ray’s Pizze­ria — I’ve seen that pizze­ria be­fore! I think I’ve been here be­fore!

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Guy: Oh my god, I to­tal­ly need a ham­mock made of piz­za.

–ACE sta­tion, 42nd St

Over­heard by: Janet

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired mid­dle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fash­ion Dis­trict

Man on cell: What about the lick­ing? Did you prac­tice lick­ing? I can’t teach you any­thing if you don’t prac­tice. You have to prac­tice the lick­ing if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Over­heard by: Jil­lian

Home­less woman: Every­one on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Over­heard by: Macaire

Ghet­to dude: Do you see that build­ing? Do you see that build­ing? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my de­gree there. And what am I do­ing? Still suck­ing white dick.

–Bleeck­er & Mer­cer

Over­heard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Rest­less?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Over­heard by: wish­ing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re mar­ried, and I don’t need that kind of dra­ma. On the oth­er hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2–3 stop atri­um

Over­heard by: did he get a re­ceipt?

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have a Cap­tive Au­di­ence

Pi­lot: In just a few min­utes our flight at­ten­dants will be start­ing bev­er­age and snack ser­vice, in­clud­ing Co­ca Co­la prod­ucts and five snack op­tions. Please lis­ten care­ful­ly, as FAA reg­u­la­tions strict­ly pro­hib­it our flight at­ten­dants from re­peat­ing these op­tions.

–In­com­ing flight, La­Guardia

Flight at­ten­dant on in­ter­com: Well, every­body, sor­ry for that de­lay — the plane was late com­ing in from Cal­i­for­nia. On the oth­er hand, I have some good news: I just saved a bunch of mon­ey on my car in­sur­ance.

–JFK

Over­heard by: ge­ico lizard

Gate at­ten­dant: We will be board­ing this flight to At­lanta short­ly, but this flight is over­booked. At this time, we’re ask­ing for two vol­un­teers to… Damn, bitch!

–La­Guardia

Over­heard by: jay­br­rd

Pi­lot on in­ter­com: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we’d like to wel­come you aboard and thank you for choos­ing, uh, Jet­Blue… This is Jet­Blue, right?

–Jet­Blue flight leav­ing JFK

Over­heard by: Russ Wall

Flight at­ten­dant: We want to thank you for fly­ing with us to­day and re­mind you that there’s no one who loves you or your mon­ey more than Delta.

–JFK

Over­heard by: mrm­cd

Flight at­ten­dant on in­ter­com: Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, iPods, lap­tops… Ba­si­cal­ly, any­thing that is bring­ing you joy right now, just turn it off.

–JFK

Over­heard by: babs standi­gio

Flight at­ten­dant on in­ter­com af­ter land­ing: Well, we’re here.

–La­Guardia

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Your Guides to the Un­der­world

Con­duc­tor: Girls on the plat­form, get on the train. You are mak­ing the right choice.

–Man­hat­tan-bound C train

Over­heard by: Fish

Con­duc­tor: This is Sec­ond Ave. Trans­fer here to the V train. Ladies and gen­tle­men, the V train across the plat­form will leave first. [Train emp­ties out.] Psych! [F train leaves first.]

–Crowd­ed F train, 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: Jas

Con­duc­tor: Go on, now — walk out the door. Just turn around now… Last stop.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: not wel­come any­more

Con­duc­tor, not in­to mic: Yes, I know this is Broad­way. Stop touch­ing that — just stay still for, like, five sec­onds… God! I swear to God and Je­sus and who­ev­er else, if you don’t stop doin’ things, I’m gonna leave you at the next stop! [In­to mic] High Street, Brook­lyn Bridge, this a Man­hat­tan-bound F train. Stand clear of the clos­ing doors, please. [Not in­to mic] That is it! This is so the last time I take you to work with me, you lit­tle– [mic turns off].

–F train, East Broad­way

Over­heard by: Mike N

Con­duc­tor: This is not a stop! This is not a stop! This is not a stop! [Train stops.] Okay, we’re stop­ping, but I’m not open­ing the doors!

–njt

Con­duc­tor: This is Grand Cen­tral sta­tion. Con­nec­tions can be made here to the A, C, E, N, Q, W, R, and S trains. The rest of the al­pha­bet is not in­clud­ed. Good luck.

–6 train

He­m­or­rhoidal Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl on cell: Hon­ey, they zapped my ass­hole.

–Out­side Tribeca Grand Ho­tel

Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A‑S-S-H-O-L‑E, with an ac­cent on the E… His ma­ma named him Ass­hole!

–Bus, be­tween 77th & 76th

Over­heard by: It’s a Jer­sey thing

Queer on cell: Tell him that if his ass­hole tin­gles, he’ll know I’m near.

–Franklin & Broad­way

Hobo: It does­n’t take a ge­nius to see it. He’s a flam­ing ass­hole who needs to be spanked.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: i wish i was a tourist some­times

Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ ass­hole… Even in a wheel­chair he’s a fuckin’ ass­hole!

–9th St & 2nd Ave

Chick: Oh, he’s much bet­ter than any oth­er guy I’ve dat­ed… He’s not an ass­hole, he’s not Type A… My on­ly prob­lem with him is that he’s not de­pressed enough.

–Amore’s Piz­za, 14th St

Over­heard by: dues