Archive for February, 2007

Non-Con­sen­su­al Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy on cell: Hell yeah, I’ll go rape Em­inem!

–33rd St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Chris­tine

Drunk girl: If you rape me with that stuffed an­i­mal again, I’m gonna hurt you!

–6 train

NYU Stu­dent: It is hard to rape a tree.

–715 Broad­way

Hobo: You can­not rape women! It is il­le­gal!

–12th St & 4th Ave

Over­heard by: sober eaves­drop­per

Woman: Why do you al­ways have to start with gang rape?

–82nd St & West End

Over­heard by: Mosteen.

Girl: Did you read the New York Times? The ele­phants are, like, rap­ing the rhi­noc­er­os!

–Sil­ver Cen­ter, NYU

Over­heard by: Genevieve

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Now Get Rollover Min­utes

Chick: So, my friend called me yes­ter­day and said, ‘I called you be­cause I had di­ar­rhea and it made me think of you.’

–Star­bucks, 110th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Fudd

Frus­trat­ed man: You call me back and I’ll tell you where the food is!

–23rd & 6th

Girl on cell with ex-boyfriend: Wait a sec­ond, I don’t get good ser­vice here. Let me go out­side so I can yell at you.

–Loehman­n’s, 16th & 7th

Yup­pie dressed as hip­ster: Hey. Oh, sor­ry I did­n’t call… So, yeah, I was in a kid­nap­ping to­day…

–Bleeck­er

Bus dri­ver over in­ter­com: And to your right you will see a sleazy mo­tel. If you no­tice any cars that look fami­lar please give a quick call home.

–Q46 bus

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Un­in­cor­po­rat­ed Ter­ri­to­ry

Woman: Come here, sweet­heart! You lousy fuck­ing Puer­to Ri­can scum!

–4th & Mac­Dou­gal

Con­struc­tion work­er to an­oth­er: Come here, I’ll buy you some food ’cause you’re my man. What, you want Puer­to Ri­can food? They’ve got Puer­to Ri­can food here.

–Burg­er King, 46th St, be­tween 5th & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Suit: Have you ever been to Croa­t­ia? They treat­ed me like a god just for be­ing Puer­to Ri­can.

–M31 bus, be­tween Madi­son & Lex

Dude: Nawww, don’t go to Puer­to Ri­co. It’s just like New Jer­sey!

–Out­side Caliente Cab Co.

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have to Go

La­dy on cell: Trust me, this is the one time you can pee on a woman and not to­tal­ly de­mean her.

–Grand Cen­tral

Well-dressed woman hold­ing a Mc­Don­ald’s cup that her son, pants still around his an­kles, pissed in­to: Nice job, hon­ey.

–14th & 6th

Girl in back row: I re­al­ly like the new LIRR trains. I nev­er pissed in the old ones, but I licked one once… Oh, and I pissed on the floor of a new one… Yeah, I did.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Wish­ing my Physics Fi­nal Start­ed 5 min’s ago

Piss­ing hobo: This piss is for Mike Bloomberg. Ah­hh, yeah.

–Barnes & No­ble re­stroom, 82nd St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Should Be in Fos­ter Care

Se­cu­ri­ty guard to an­oth­er: … So if you re­al­ly want to take a gam­ble you buy a ba­by.

–Lob­by, Psych build­ing, NYU

Woman on cell: … And then he said he gonna kick mah ba­by ‘cross the street!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: what??

Guy on skates to chick: … And these peo­ple, they eat their ba­bies…

–West Vil­lage

Over­heard by: Joe is So Frig­gin Amaz­ing

Chick on cell: So, she trust­ed this woman to watch over her ba­by, right? And then she takes the ba­by to the zoo for a pho­to shoot and comes back with the wrong ba­by!

–Gro­cery store, 8th St & Ave C

Man on phone: So, what? You don’t want me to be in the baby’s life any­more? … Well, you know what? I did your sis­ter! [Hangs up an­gri­ly.]

–Star­bucks, 66th & 3rd

La­dy: So I said to my sis­tah, ‘I ain’t goin’ to spend my weed mon­ey on your baby’s di­a­pers!’

–Ful­ton Mall

Crosstown Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Dri­ver: Some peo­ple want to go to work, some peo­ple want to go home, some peo­ple want to go in­to your pock­ets… Watch for pick­pock­ets.

–B44 bus

Over­heard by: Ka­tia

Bus dri­ver: This is the ex­press bus to Boston. We’ll ar­rive at 10:00, 10:30, whichev­er is ear­li­er.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty bus ter­mi­nal

Bus dri­ver: Hap­py New Year’s every­one. This is the New Year’s bus. I hope some­one is look­ing over my roast­ed pork chops in the oven back there. I got some col­lard greens and pota­toes cookin’ as well. Let’s get this bus movin’.

–101 bus, 68th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Sashanyc

Bus dri­ver who would­n’t let any­one pay to get on, claim­ing she’d won the lot­tery: Nice day to­day, huh? Y’all wan­na go to the beach? Bring a blan­ket? Three p.m. — meet me at a se­cret lo­ca­tion. MTA go­ing your way! They won’t mind if I take it for a few hours. Madi­son is next.

–M79 bus, 79th & 5th

Over­heard by: mar

Bus dri­ver to board­ing pas­sen­gers: If you have a name that starts with a let­ter, move to the back of the bus.

–86th St crosstown bus

Over­heard by: Han­nah Rose

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: ‘That’s What She Said’

Bi­ol­o­gy pro­fes­sor to stu­dents: Now that you’ve got the ba­sic struc­ture, I’m go­ing to bone you for a while.

–NYU

Over­heard by: i’m in the hard class

Con­duc­tor: Okay, folks, we’re ac­tu­al­ly run­ning ahead of sched­ule. We’ll be stop­ping for ap­prox­i­mate­ly 40 min­utes, so if you like you can get out and spread your legs. Spread your– stretch your legs…

–Am­trak train in­to Penn

Over­heard by: KT

Woman on cell: It’s from the car ac­ci­dent. I can’t re­al­ly move my head, and he woke up stiff this morn­ing, and that nev­er hap­pens.

–5 train

Over­heard by: Hobo Whis­per­er

Woman: Mag­gie has stopped eat­ing. She’s just not putting as many things in her mouth as she used to.

–Union Square mar­ket

Girl on cell: Hey, Mom. Hold on a sec­ond, I’m gonna three-way Dad… Oh, wow, weird.

–Ja­maica Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Mike

Guy on PA: Hey, Mark, could you do me a fa­vor? Just put it in, please? Yeah, I need you to put it in right now. Thanks, Mark!

–PATH

Over­heard by: Fe­ro­cious Russ­ian

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Ex­cel­lent Dri­vers, Ex­cel­lent Dri­vers

Man to woman and her friend push­ing a stroller: Lis­ten, Jeanie, you like my sperm, and I like your car. I’m sure we can make a deal.

–60th & Cen­tral Park South

Fire­fight­er af­ter get­ting a call: Hey, boss, how many one-way streets do you think I can dri­ve down the wrong way?

–Path­mark un­der Man­hat­tan Bridge

Over­heard by: tj

Mid­west­ern woman in prep­py clothes stick­ing head out pas­sen­ger win­dow of sedan: Ex­cuse me, we’re try­ing to merge…

–Wait­ing to en­ter Lin­coln Tun­nel

Over­heard by: An­gela

Home­less mu­si­cian with Ca­sio key­board plays en­tire in­tro to ‘Oye Co­mo Va,’ then sings: Oye co­mo va, ba da da, blah blah blah blah blah! [Abrupt­ly stops] Well, ladies and gen­tle­men, that’s what you get for not hav­ing a car.

–L train to Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Sub­way Go­er

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have a Pas­sion for Fash­ion

Man on cell: I had a great time last night… Yeah, I got home re­al­ly late, too. I lost my scarf, but I gained a boa… [Loud­er] A boa… [Loud­er still] A boa… Black.

–Q train over Man­hat­tan Bridge

Over­heard by: Tyler

Crazy hip­ster: I al­ways sus­pect­ed them of wear­ing coats!

–L train

Over­heard by: bri­an Sabows­ki

Chick: You know, if you lift your skirt up and the guy still does­n’t re­spond, maybe you should give up the ghost.

–Mar­quee, 26th & 10th

Dude: You know, it’s prob­a­bly be­cause the alu­minum foil in your fe­do­ra is melt­ing.

–Gramer­cy Park

Over­heard by: i work with this

Girl: I was, like, cov­ered in beer. I did­n’t even know where my skirt was.

–6th St & 2nd Ave

Dude on cell: … But when you’re sick, you don’t wear pants.

–Red Cat, 10th Ave

Tourist girl, ex­cit­ed: I just bought this 100 per­cent cash­mere scarf for five bucks! I just got­ta find out what kin­da fab­ric it’s made out of.

–Chi­na­town

Over­heard by: Jen & Paul

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Steve Gut­ten­berg

Tall, broad cop speak­ing loud­ly and very slow­ly to dis­abled man: Now, if you took that cane and swung it and aimed it, and you hit that guy in the head, that was not an ac­ci­dent.

–Ramp to pedes­tri­an lane of Brook­lyn Bridge

Over­heard by: Au­drey

Traf­fic cop with mega­phone: I nev­er drove one of these things be­fore!

–34th & Broad­way

Guy: So, they found him sleep­ing in the dump­ster again so they re­port­ed it to his com­mand­ing of­fi­cer. And he’s like, ‘Why is is this of­fi­cer sleep­ing in a dump­ster when he’s sup­posed to be out on pa­trol?’

–N train

Over­heard by: sara n.

Perky queer: … So then I played a cop! And I beat a guy up!

–76th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane