Archive for June, 2007

Wednesday One-Liners Take Flight

Hobo to girl on cell: Marry me! [Girl shakes her head.] Chicken!

–8th & Broadway

Black guy on cell: You ain’t no spring chicken, and you ain’t no Donald Trump. You gotta be considerate. You gotta stick it inside that girl.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Barbara

Black guy to stubborn pigeon: Bird, don’t think I won’t fuck you up.

–61st St

Overheard by: bill r

Lady: She could be humping a chicken for all I care…

–1 train

Overheard by: ChiChi

Blonde: She is the last person that should be allowed to live next to a rooster.

–W 45th & Broadway

Overheard by: MW

Wednesday One-Liners with Botched Cosmetic Surgery

Lady suit: What are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about the post-modernism on my forehead?

–Starbucks, The Villiage

Girl on cell: No, no… I don’t think you understand — my hips are two different sizes! You don’t know what this is going to do to my self-esteem.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: i should have gone to harvard

Chick on cell: … Yes, it’s coming out of my abdomen…

–Washington Square South

Overheard by: Tyler

Wifey to hubby, looking at statue: They got the knees just right! You know how I’ve been looking at my knees a lot?

–The Met

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Skinny tween boriqua: Yo, I’m gonna take all the fat from my stomach and put it on my ass.

–231st & Broadway

Overheard by: KK

Hot chick: Well, you don’t have arm testicles.

–East Houston St, near BHSEC

MTA lady to another: She got a lot o’ heart for a pussy!

−−4÷5÷6 train underpass, 59th St

Wednesday One-Liners for Gene Simmons

Woman holding small dog: Kiss him. His mouth smells like poopie.

–9th St & Ave A

Drunk chick: I kissed Kaitlyn on the tongue, and now I have herpes in my mouth.

–Outside The Grand, 58th St

Conductor: To the individual outside kissing the train: Please stop.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dan

Girl: But he didn’t even kiss me at the club! We didn’t kiss until the hospital, and it wasn’t even a real kiss. I kissed him and he didn’t kiss me back.

–Café, Union Square

Professor: Like I told you, kiss my white ass!

–NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hard All Night Long

Hairy guy: She’d be like, ‘Jebediah, get off the Sybian and till those fields!’

–Amtrak

Overheard by: Hot Bi Luvr

Woman with man and kids: I mean, he didn’t even get me a fuckin’ vibrator!

–51st & 9th

Guy shouting at friend halfway down the carriage: Naw bro, my momma’s too big for you, she use you as a dildo nigga.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Mitchell

Chick on cell: I know everyone thinks that it won’t work out because he’s gay and I’m a lesbian, but he says I’m the sexiest person with a strap-on he’s ever seen. And plus, I get a free trip to Puerto Rico out of it.

–Franklin & Church

Overheard by: Jenny

Dude to friends: Instead of a sex swing I wish he had a video camera so I could see what she looked like.

–72nd & Broadway

Hipster dude to friend eating sandwich: So, is there a dildo in it?

–Rivington & Ludlow

Overheard by: aryn

Who’s Sorry Now, Wednesday One-Liners?

Dude: Yeah, I’m sorry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vibrate, and I forgot my leg was numb!

–Botanic Garden stop, Brooklyn shuttle

Overheard by: elizabeth

Hobo, after bumping into Asian lady suit: Damn! Bump into me and don’t even say sorry. That’s rude — just plain rude. Now I know why Godzilla attacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzilla starts munching down on this subway and he’s for sure gon’ start right back there.

–A train

Overheard by: Jim W.

Lady on cell: Sorry, I can’t meet you for lunch. It’s been a long day — I got divorced, it was my dad’s birthday, and I need to get groceries.

–19th, between 5th & 6th

Waiter: I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we’ve just sold our last sole.

–ESCA restaurant

Pilot: For those of you on the right side of the aircraft, there will be a great view of Manhattan. We’ll be coming up the Hudson and making a turn over Central Park heading into the Southwest. For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, well… you get Newark, sorry.

–Flight 3188 into LaGuardia

Overheard by: Wendy to the right

Suit: I don’t know why people still aren’t over the Nazis. They’re really sorry.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Tom

Wednesday One-Liners Get an “A” in Conduct

Conductor: This is the 2:40 local train to Babylon. For those of you who have not passed out, this train makes all local stops. For those of you who have passed out… I’ll see you in Babylon…

–LIRR train leaving Penn Station

Overheard by: Bill Reese

Conductor: The next stop is Harlem, 125th. Then we’re off to Grand Central Terminal. Write it down, you passengers, write it down.

–Metro-North

Sarcastic, monotone conductor: This is a D train to Manhattan… apparently. [Later] Woo-hoo. Finally, 36th Street.

–D train

Overheard by: i don’t like that dude

Conductor: This is Carroll Street. If you transfer to the uptown F or G train here, there are less stairs, but there is a nice breeze at Smith and Ninth Street.

–F train

Overheard by: Eileen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here because the drawbridge is in the open position, and I don’t think I know how to swim.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: mark

Conductor: This train goes straight to Newark-Penn Station. Newark, the pride of the Passaic river!

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Overheard by: Care

Conductor: For those of you that are interested, Penn Station is next. For those that aren’t, it still is.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Xavier