Archive for June, 2007

I Love Dick, I Just Wish I Liked Yours

Boyfriend: I love Barnes and No­ble.
Girl­friend: Yeah, I love books.
Boyfriend: Me, too. I just wish I liked read­ing.

–Barnes & No­ble, Union Square

Head­line by: Toss­er


· “As long as it gets the poo off my ass, I’m hap­py” — Jim C.

· “But I have a nice set of Hem­ing­way coast­ers.” — Sarah K

· “But get enough of them to­geth­er, you have one hell of a fort.” — DJR

· “I just like to judge them by their cov­ers” — Pe­ter

· “It’s goal num­ber 2, right af­ter learnig to col­or in­side the lines” — kris­ten

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Take Flight

Hobo to girl on cell: Mar­ry me! [Girl shakes her head.] Chick­en!

–8th & Broad­way

Black guy on cell: You ain’t no spring chick­en, and you ain’t no Don­ald Trump. You got­ta be con­sid­er­ate. You got­ta stick it in­side that girl.

–8th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Bar­bara

Black guy to stub­born pi­geon: Bird, don’t think I won’t fuck you up.

–61st St

Over­heard by: bill r

La­dy: She could be hump­ing a chick­en for all I care…

–1 train

Over­heard by: ChiChi

Blonde: She is the last per­son that should be al­lowed to live next to a roost­er.

–W 45th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: MW

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers with Botched Cos­met­ic Surgery

La­dy suit: What are you gonna do about it? What are you go­ing to do about the post-mod­ernism on my fore­head?

–Star­bucks, The Vil­liage

Girl on cell: No, no… I don’t think you un­der­stand — my hips are two dif­fer­ent sizes! You don’t know what this is go­ing to do to my self-es­teem.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: i should have gone to har­vard

Chick on cell: … Yes, it’s com­ing out of my ab­domen…

–Wash­ing­ton Square South

Over­heard by: Tyler

Wifey to hub­by, look­ing at stat­ue: They got the knees just right! You know how I’ve been look­ing at my knees a lot?

–The Met

Over­heard by: sweetchuck

Skin­ny tween bori­qua: Yo, I’m gonna take all the fat from my stom­ach and put it on my ass.

–231st & Broad­way

Over­heard by: KK

Hot chick: Well, you don’t have arm tes­ti­cles.

–East Hous­ton St, near BH­SEC

MTA la­dy to an­oth­er: She got a lot o’ heart for a pussy!

–4/5/6 train un­der­pass, 59th St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Gene Sim­mons

Woman hold­ing small dog: Kiss him. His mouth smells like poop­ie.

–9th St & Ave A

Drunk chick: I kissed Kait­lyn on the tongue, and now I have her­pes in my mouth.

–Out­side The Grand, 58th St

Con­duc­tor: To the in­di­vid­ual out­side kiss­ing the train: Please stop.


Over­heard by: Dan

Girl: But he did­n’t even kiss me at the club! We did­n’t kiss un­til the hos­pi­tal, and it was­n’t even a re­al kiss. I kissed him and he did­n’t kiss me back.

–Café, Union Square

Pro­fes­sor: Like I told you, kiss my white ass!


Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Stay Hard All Night Long

Hairy guy: She’d be like, ‘Jebe­di­ah, get off the Sybian and till those fields!’


Over­heard by: Hot Bi Lu­vr

Woman with man and kids: I mean, he did­n’t even get me a fuckin’ vi­bra­tor!

–51st & 9th

Guy shout­ing at friend halfway down the car­riage: Naw bro, my mom­ma’s too big for you, she use you as a dil­do nig­ga.

–Brook­lyn-bound L train

Over­heard by: Mitchell

Chick on cell: I know every­one thinks that it won’t work out be­cause he’s gay and I’m a les­bian, but he says I’m the sex­i­est per­son with a strap-on he’s ever seen. And plus, I get a free trip to Puer­to Ri­co out of it.

–Franklin & Church

Over­heard by: Jen­ny

Dude to friends: In­stead of a sex swing I wish he had a video cam­era so I could see what she looked like.

–72nd & Broad­way

Hip­ster dude to friend eat­ing sand­wich: So, is there a dil­do in it?

–Riv­ing­ton & Lud­low

Over­heard by: aryn

Who’s Sor­ry Now, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Dude: Yeah, I’m sor­ry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vi­brate, and I for­got my leg was numb!

–Botan­ic Gar­den stop, Brook­lyn shut­tle

Over­heard by: eliz­a­beth

Hobo, af­ter bump­ing in­to Asian la­dy suit: Damn! Bump in­to me and don’t even say sor­ry. That’s rude — just plain rude. Now I know why Godzil­la at­tacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzil­la starts munch­ing down on this sub­way and he’s for sure gon’ start right back there.

–A train

Over­heard by: Jim W.

La­dy on cell: Sor­ry, I can’t meet you for lunch. It’s been a long day — I got di­vorced, it was my dad’s birth­day, and I need to get gro­ceries.

–19th, be­tween 5th & 6th

Wait­er: I’m ter­ri­bly sor­ry, sir, but we’ve just sold our last sole.

–ES­CA restau­rant

Pi­lot: For those of you on the right side of the air­craft, there will be a great view of Man­hat­tan. We’ll be com­ing up the Hud­son and mak­ing a turn over Cen­tral Park head­ing in­to the South­west. For those of you on the left side of the air­craft, well… you get Newark, sor­ry.

–Flight 3188 in­to La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Wendy to the right

Suit: I don’t know why peo­ple still aren’t over the Nazis. They’re re­al­ly sor­ry.

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: Tom