Girl #1: Did you hook up with Josh last weekend?
Girl #2: Yeah, we got really drunk and I blew him and we did anal. I dunno if I want to lose my virginity with him, though.
–86th St, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Kandiru
Archive for June, 2007
Perhaps Some Nice Soy Chunks That Smell Like Feet?
Father: Can we just go to McDonald’s for dinner?
Little girl: Dad! You know I can’t have trans-fat.
–Queens-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Patricia
I’m Glad to Be out of That Pressure-Cooker!
TSA guard #1: You’re new here, right?
TSA guard #2: Yeah. I worked at the Gap before, so this is different.
–JFK
Sometimes You Can Just See a Student’s Mind Light Up
Student, after two-hour lecture on Charles Darwin: Yo, professor?
Teacher: Yes, Phyllis?
Student: That Charlie — he da man!
Teacher: Indeed! Charlie is the man, Phyllis! Excellent!
–Queensborough Community College
Overheard by: Just trying to pass…
Wednesday One-Liners Take Flight
Hobo to girl on cell: Marry me! [Girl shakes her head.] Chicken!
–8th & Broadway
Black guy on cell: You ain’t no spring chicken, and you ain’t no Donald Trump. You gotta be considerate. You gotta stick it inside that girl.
–8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Barbara
Black guy to stubborn pigeon: Bird, don’t think I won’t fuck you up.
–61st St
Overheard by: bill r
Lady: She could be humping a chicken for all I care…
–1 train
Overheard by: ChiChi
Blonde: She is the last person that should be allowed to live next to a rooster.
–W 45th & Broadway
Overheard by: MW
Wednesday One-Liners with Botched Cosmetic Surgery
Lady suit: What are you gonna do about it? What are you going to do about the post-modernism on my forehead?
–Starbucks, The Villiage
Girl on cell: No, no… I don’t think you understand — my hips are two different sizes! You don’t know what this is going to do to my self-esteem.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: i should have gone to harvard
Chick on cell: … Yes, it’s coming out of my abdomen…
–Washington Square South
Overheard by: Tyler
Wifey to hubby, looking at statue: They got the knees just right! You know how I’ve been looking at my knees a lot?
–The Met
Overheard by: sweetchuck
Skinny tween boriqua: Yo, I’m gonna take all the fat from my stomach and put it on my ass.
–231st & Broadway
Overheard by: KK
Hot chick: Well, you don’t have arm testicles.
–East Houston St, near BHSEC
MTA lady to another: She got a lot o’ heart for a pussy!
−−4÷5÷6 train underpass, 59th St
Wednesday One-Liners for Gene Simmons
Woman holding small dog: Kiss him. His mouth smells like poopie.
–9th St & Ave A
Drunk chick: I kissed Kaitlyn on the tongue, and now I have herpes in my mouth.
–Outside The Grand, 58th St
Conductor: To the individual outside kissing the train: Please stop.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Dan
Girl: But he didn’t even kiss me at the club! We didn’t kiss until the hospital, and it wasn’t even a real kiss. I kissed him and he didn’t kiss me back.
–Café, Union Square
Professor: Like I told you, kiss my white ass!
–NYU
Wednesday One-Liners Stay Hard All Night Long
Hairy guy: She’d be like, ‘Jebediah, get off the Sybian and till those fields!’
–Amtrak
Overheard by: Hot Bi Luvr
Woman with man and kids: I mean, he didn’t even get me a fuckin’ vibrator!
–51st & 9th
Guy shouting at friend halfway down the carriage: Naw bro, my momma’s too big for you, she use you as a dildo nigga.
–Brooklyn-bound L train
Overheard by: Mitchell
Chick on cell: I know everyone thinks that it won’t work out because he’s gay and I’m a lesbian, but he says I’m the sexiest person with a strap-on he’s ever seen. And plus, I get a free trip to Puerto Rico out of it.
–Franklin & Church
Overheard by: Jenny
Dude to friends: Instead of a sex swing I wish he had a video camera so I could see what she looked like.
–72nd & Broadway
Hipster dude to friend eating sandwich: So, is there a dildo in it?
–Rivington & Ludlow
Overheard by: aryn
Who’s Sorry Now, Wednesday One-Liners?
Dude: Yeah, I’m sorry I missed your call, My phone was, uh, on vibrate, and I forgot my leg was numb!
–Botanic Garden stop, Brooklyn shuttle
Overheard by: elizabeth
Hobo, after bumping into Asian lady suit: Damn! Bump into me and don’t even say sorry. That’s rude — just plain rude. Now I know why Godzilla attacked you guys. Just damn rude. Rude, rude, rude. Hey, watch out back there. Godzilla starts munching down on this subway and he’s for sure gon’ start right back there.
–A train
Overheard by: Jim W.
Lady on cell: Sorry, I can’t meet you for lunch. It’s been a long day — I got divorced, it was my dad’s birthday, and I need to get groceries.
–19th, between 5th & 6th
Waiter: I’m terribly sorry, sir, but we’ve just sold our last sole.
–ESCA restaurant
Pilot: For those of you on the right side of the aircraft, there will be a great view of Manhattan. We’ll be coming up the Hudson and making a turn over Central Park heading into the Southwest. For those of you on the left side of the aircraft, well… you get Newark, sorry.
–Flight 3188 into LaGuardia
Overheard by: Wendy to the right
Suit: I don’t know why people still aren’t over the Nazis. They’re really sorry.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Tom
Wednesday One-Liners Get an “A” in Conduct
Conductor: This is the 2:40 local train to Babylon. For those of you who have not passed out, this train makes all local stops. For those of you who have passed out… I’ll see you in Babylon…
–LIRR train leaving Penn Station
Overheard by: Bill Reese
Conductor: The next stop is Harlem, 125th. Then we’re off to Grand Central Terminal. Write it down, you passengers, write it down.
–Metro-North
Sarcastic, monotone conductor: This is a D train to Manhattan… apparently. [Later] Woo-hoo. Finally, 36th Street.
–D train
Overheard by: i don’t like that dude
Conductor: This is Carroll Street. If you transfer to the uptown F or G train here, there are less stairs, but there is a nice breeze at Smith and Ninth Street.
–F train
Overheard by: Eileen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being held here because the drawbridge is in the open position, and I don’t think I know how to swim.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: mark
Conductor: This train goes straight to Newark-Penn Station. Newark, the pride of the Passaic river!
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Care
Conductor: For those of you that are interested, Penn Station is next. For those that aren’t, it still is.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Xavier
