Archive for August, 2007

I’ve Got­ta Stop Drop­ping My Stuff

Dude on cell, lean­ing against door: Yeah, and then she texted me, ‘I’m preg­nant, you’re the fa­ther,’ and I stopped in the mid­dle of the street and screamed, ‘Fuck!‘
NYU stu­dent push­ing open door: Ex­cuse me.
Dude, drop­ping cell: Fuck!

–NYU Li­brary

Over­heard by: Ms. Man­ners

Why Do All These Peo­ple’s Cell Phones Work on the Sub­way?

Ghet­to nerd chick #1, to girl talk­ing about Har­ry Pot­ter on cell: Aw, hell, no she did­n’t! I have not been read­ing that shit since I was 13 to have the fi­nal end­ing fucked up by some crack­whore-look­ing bitch on her stu­pid pink fag­got phone! Oh, fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! I’m go­ing to kill you, feed you to wolves, then nu­clear bomb the en­tire plan­et!
Ghet­to nerd chick #2, in­to cell: I know, yeah… What? Oh, just some crazy bitch. Yeah, and can you be­lieve that they killed off–
Ghet­to nerd chick #1, cov­er­ing her ears and singing: –Stuck on a train with a big fat whore. Stuck on a train. La-lala-lala…

–S train

Hamil­ton Was Cute, but I Hear Lin­coln Had a Gi­ant Cock

White teen girl, about stat­ue of Alexan­der Hamil­ton: Look at him! I mean, he’s such a dream­boat… That’s why he’s my fa­vorite fed­er­al­ist.
Mom: And what did your class call him?
White teen girl: Ham­my! And he was big pals with B‑Frank, and John­ny Ads, and G‑Dubya, and J‑Marsh, and… And… And I can’t re­mem­ber any more found­ing fa­thers, but of course they all had their own gangs­ta names, too. They were big pimpin’ over there in In­de­pen­dence Hall. The on­ly things they were miss­ing were the hos… And that’s why Ab­by A. want­ed them to re­mem­ber the ladies.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: That oth­er girl

The Cir­cle of Life

Pan­han­dler: I scored 50 bucks off those ass­holes to­day.
Drug deal­er: Sweet. You wan­na buy some pot?
Pan­han­dler: Yup. Gimme 50 bucks worth.

–St. John’s Pl & Un­der­hill Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: some­one who al­ways sus­pect­ed this

In Which Case He Should Be Eu­th­a­nized

Rush­ing dad drag­ging kid along: Well, most su­per guys are good guys.
Four-year-old son: No, some su­per guys are bad.
Rush­ing dad: What would make a su­per guy a bad su­per guy?
Four-year-old son: Well, he might suck. Like, if he could­n’t walk fast…

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: klutch

Any Ex­cuse for Bal­loons

Teen #1: Yo, I think John­ny grad­u­at­ed high school this year!
Teen #2: Are you sure, yo? That don’t sound like him.
Teen #1: Yeah. I walked by his house the oth­er day and there were bal­loons and shit.
Teen #2: Shit, that don’t mean noth­in’. That nig­ga al­ways be cel­e­bratin’ some­thin’.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty