Dude #1: Phew, it’s warm down here.
Dude #2: Yeah, we should blow on each other.
–Crowded platform, 59th St
Overheard by: Lillian
Archive for August, 2007
Doesn’t Mean Daddy Has to Hold Me Under Like That
Angry mom: Shut up! Stop crying like a wuss! You sound like a little girl!
Boy: ‘Cause I don’t wanna get wet! Tell him to stop!
Angry mom: Princess, you’re already in the pool.
–Staten Island
I’ve Gotta Stop Dropping My Stuff
Dude on cell, leaning against door: Yeah, and then she texted me, ‘I’m pregnant, you’re the father,’ and I stopped in the middle of the street and screamed, ‘Fuck!’
NYU student pushing open door: Excuse me.
Dude, dropping cell: Fuck!
–NYU Library
Overheard by: Ms. Manners
Why Do All These People’s Cell Phones Work on the Subway?
Ghetto nerd chick #1, to girl talking about Harry Potter on cell: Aw, hell, no she didn’t! I have not been reading that shit since I was 13 to have the final ending fucked up by some crackwhore-looking bitch on her stupid pink faggot phone! Oh, fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! I’m going to kill you, feed you to wolves, then nuclear bomb the entire planet!
Ghetto nerd chick #2, into cell: I know, yeah… What? Oh, just some crazy bitch. Yeah, and can you believe that they killed off–
Ghetto nerd chick #1, covering her ears and singing: –Stuck on a train with a big fat whore. Stuck on a train. La-lala-lala…
–S train
Hamilton Was Cute, but I Hear Lincoln Had a Giant Cock
White teen girl, about statue of Alexander Hamilton: Look at him! I mean, he’s such a dreamboat… That’s why he’s my favorite federalist.
Mom: And what did your class call him?
White teen girl: Hammy! And he was big pals with B-Frank, and Johnny Ads, and G-Dubya, and J-Marsh, and… And… And I can’t remember any more founding fathers, but of course they all had their own gangsta names, too. They were big pimpin’ over there in Independence Hall. The only things they were missing were the hos… And that’s why Abby A. wanted them to remember the ladies.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: That other girl
Or I Could Revive with Cocaine, Like Casey Over There
Conductor #1: There is a train ahead of us at the station. We’ll be moving shortly.
Conductor #2: The D just crossed in front of us. Now there’s an A and a D. I’m tired, too. I was out ’til four AM last night. I’m gonna take a nap!
–A train
Overheard by: is this man ok to drive?
The Circle of Life
Panhandler: I scored 50 bucks off those assholes today.
Drug dealer: Sweet. You wanna buy some pot?
Panhandler: Yup. Gimme 50 bucks worth.
–St. John’s Pl & Underhill Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: someone who always suspected this
In Which Case He Should Be Euthanized
Rushing dad dragging kid along: Well, most super guys are good guys.
Four-year-old son: No, some super guys are bad.
Rushing dad: What would make a super guy a bad super guy?
Four-year-old son: Well, he might suck. Like, if he couldn’t walk fast…
–Penn Station
Overheard by: klutch
Any Excuse for Balloons
Teen #1: Yo, I think Johnny graduated high school this year!
Teen #2: Are you sure, yo? That don’t sound like him.
Teen #1: Yeah. I walked by his house the other day and there were balloons and shit.
Teen #2: Shit, that don’t mean nothin’. That nigga always be celebratin’ somethin’.
–Port Authority
Happiness Is a Warm Gun
Hipster chick, with gun charm on necklace: Can I get a Diet Coke?
Greek clerk: I like that gun. It looks like the one I keep under my mattress.
–Canal & Eldridge