Archive for October, 2007

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Miss Their Trans Fats

Mom to kids: What do you want for din­ner? Burg­er King or Dunkin’ Donuts?

–42nd St & Queens Blvd

Over­heard by: court

La­dy to friend: Did you want to go here or Ken­tucky Fried Chick­en? Yeah, lets go to KFC. The chick­en here looks like it was soaked in grease. I want fried chick­en.

–Yips, 18 Beaver St

Sub­way per­former: Can you guys help me out? I take pen­nies, I take hun­dreds, I take busi­ness cards… Hell, I take white peo­ple’s shoes and socks! [To ran­dom pas­sen­ger] Awww, shit, girl — I take phone num­bers, too! … You like White Cas­tle? Daaamn.

–Down­town 4/5 Train

Over­heard by: Be­mused Spec­ta­tor

Girly man: So I’m like, ‘I’m at Tace Bell, and I don’t know if I should or­der the que­sadil­la or a taco,’ and she’s like, ‘Is this an emer­gency?’ and I’m like, ‘No, but I paid for this ser­vice…’

–Bank of Amer­i­ca

Sex ad space sales­man to client on phone: Yeah the [Vil­lage] Voice is the Mc­Don­ald’s of sex ads.

–Clas­si­fied of­fice, New York Ob­serv­er

Over­heard by: Seanzi

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Got Mad Re­la­tion­ship Skills

Man on cell: If the girl does not say no, or does not back away, or does not seem to be pulling away… then that means she re­al­ly likes you.

–Union Square

Dude: I’m needy and you do stuff for me. That’s how our re­la­tion­ship works.

–2nd Ave. & St. Mark’s Place

Girl on cell: Yeah, yeah, she’s def­i­nite­ly your type. She’s def­i­nite­ly your type… Yup, she’s bow-legged and pi­geon-toed…

–16th & 6th

Boyfriend: Lis­ten, you’re dis­sat­is­fied with me, and I’m dis­sat­is­fied with me. We have some­thing in com­mon! I think this re­la­tion­ship can work.

–32nd & 6th

Girl­friend: I wish you were asex­u­al, ex­cept when it comes to me. That way you would on­ly want to have sex with me. [Boyfriend stares.] Ac­tu­al­ly, I don’t wish that. I wish you’d like girls, but you’d find me so at­trac­tive that every time you’d even look at an­oth­er girl, you’d find her ug­ly com­pared to me.

–36th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Eryn

NYU fresh­man girl: I have a boyfriend — I don’t need a so­cial life.

–Star­bucks

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Pass on Their Wis­dom

Old man to two-year old: Man, talk­ing to you is like fuck­ing talk­ing to a brick wall.

–F train

Over­heard by: trieze

Old man in pow­er wheel­chair: Move, moth­er­fuck­ers, un­less you want some rub­ber up yo’ ass.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Deniz G

Old guy: In the Boy Scouts they tell you to pray and… put your tes­ti­cles on ice.

–W 58th & 9th Ave

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Old la­dy: You turn around and say ‘Ex­cuse me’ or I’ll punch your fuck­ing face in!

–42nd St and 5th Ave

Old man: … And all these bikes keep run­ning red lights. I just wish I had a big stick — I would shove it through their spokes!

–2nd Ave sta­tion

Old bit­ter woman to hus­band: I don’t un­der­stand sex.

–72nd & 2nd

Over­heard by: im­sor­ry

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Will Use a Con­dom Next Time

Fa­ther to three-year-old son: The ruler of the uni­verse says to stop chat­ter­ing.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Scold­ing moth­er to lit­tle son as she yanks him along: You tryin’ to be hip? You tryin’ to be a hip­ster? Is that how they do it?

–Prospect Park

Mom to in­fant who keeps drop­ping his toy: Okay, let’s try this — how ’bout I throw you on the ground?!

–13th & 5th

Moth­er to chat­ty child: Don’t you have your paci­fi­er? So paci­fy!

–Kings­bor­ough Com­mu­ni­ty Col­lege, Brook­lyn

Child-free woman to stranger’s cry­ing ba­by: Oh, wait, things get much worse.

–Throg­gs Neck, Bronx

Over­heard by: Jeri

On­ly Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get to Use the N‑Word

Black woman to tan­ning sa­lon fly­er guy so­lic­it­ing her: Nig­ga, you be blind!

–W 4th St & 6th Ave

White woman on cell: I can­not meet you there — that’s a black neigh­bor­hood. [Looks around. to find that every­one else in line is black, and phar­ma­cist is black.] Oops.

–Du­ane Reade

Lit­tle girl point­ing at black re­cep­tion­ist: Poc­a­hon­tas!

–Der­ma­tol­o­gist, UES

Over­heard by: Kate

Black suit: Oh, I’m the on­ly black man in Amer­i­ca who watch­es Fe­lic­i­ty?!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Black queer on cell: I be­lieve she set black peo­ple back 20 years by rhyming ‘Lex­ing­ton’ with ‘Nex­tel.’

–Fort Try­on Park

Over­heard by: Pies

Sports ed­i­tor: We need more mag­i­cal black men.

–Co­lum­bia Spec­ta­tor of­fice

Over­heard by: Kavitha

Je­sus Was a Wednes­day One-Lin­er!

Shik­sa: No, I’m not Jew­ish. I just have a blood dis­ease.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie

Work­er: So. if you go on the first floor, it has all the in­for­ma­tion on Jew­ish her­itage. The sec­ond floor is main­ly about the Holo­caust and the Nazis and why we hate them. And the third floor is just about Jew­ish life to­day.

–Mu­se­um of Jew­ish Her­itage

Chick: Jews and gyp­sies are to­tal­ly the same thing…

–9th & 2nd

Over­heard by: lezbotron

Teen girl: I mean, I may have no morals, but I will not fuck a Jew on Yom Kip­pur.

–Union Square

Nine-year-old boy: George Bush likes the Jews. That’s why on­ly Jews are al­lowed to hitch­hike.

–Main St

I See Lon­don, I See France, I See Wednes­day’s One-Lin­ers!

Blonde: So, I woke up and Jes­si­ca’s un­der­wear was still on my head…

–P.S. 1, Queens

Drunk dude on cell: I want to take the blue panties you left at my place and wear them on my face! … I said I want to wear your blue panties on my face!

–Grand Cen­tral

Chick on cell: I do have un­der­wear in my purse in case I need it.

–113th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: La­dle

La­dy to son: Well, it is nev­er ap­pro­pri­ate to ask a woman about her un­der­gar­ments.

–20th & 8th

Hoochie: He of­fered me 10 dol­lars for my un­der­wear, but I would­n’t do it.

–St. Mark’s & 1st

Over­heard by: Ni­na

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Out Shak­ing Hands and Kiss­ing Ba­bies

Woman ex­am­in­ing bro­ken win­dow on her mi­ni-van: This is bull­shit! It’s freakin’ De­moc­rats!

–24th, be­tween 6th & 7th

Over­heard by: Michael C.

Chick: Play lacrosse and have gang-bangs with chicks — that’s what Re­pub­li­cans do.

–44th & 5th

Lit­tle girl: Is George Bush a Re­pub­li­can or a Do­mini­can?

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Car­rie

Fat, sweaty guy: Ex­cuse me, peo­ple! Sweaty lib­er­al com­ing through! [Crowd parts.]

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: ki­ran

40-some­thing tourist to her daugh­ter: All the home­less may be De­moc­rats, but not all De­moc­rats are home­less.

–Canal & Broad­way

Over­heard by: not yet any­way

Your In-Flight Movie To­day Will Be Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Voice over in­ter­com: This is Delta Air­lines flight num­ber 1–2‑3–4* pag­ing pas­sen­ger Er­ic Ansen*. Would you please re­port to gate D‑7? The cap­tain would like to de­part. Thank you.

–La­Guardia

Over the in­ter­com: We’d like to wel­come you to At­lanta’s Harts­field In­ter­na­tion­al Air­port–.
[Voice cuts out, then back in.] We’d like to wel­come you to New York’s La­Guardia In­ter­na­tion­al Air­port…

–Flight from At­lanta, La­Guardia

Pi­lot: Like any pi­lot, I like to hear my­self talk… All you’re hear­ing now is ‘Blah, blah, blah.’

–Delta flight, JFK

Over­heard by: Lalaith

Pi­lot: We’re now ready for de­par­ture. Flight at­ten­dants, please re­strain your­selves.

–JFK

Over­heard by: Chuck­les

Stew­ardess, sound­ing sur­prised dur­ing land­ing: Great job, hon­ey.

–JFK

Just Make Up My Mind, Okay?

An­noyed bim­bette: You can­not go out with him! Like, who will go and pick up ran­dom guys with me?
Brunette: I’ll still go out with you.
An­noyed bim­bette: No, I know you — you’ll say ‘yes’ when he asks you out. You can’t go out with him. Oh, yeah, wait — he’s younger than you. You can get him pussy-whipped like that. You have to go out with him.
Brunette, de­feat­ed: Okay.

–S79 bus