Archive for November, 2007

Now I Re­mem­ber Why I Stopped Hav­ing Kids

Lit­tle kid, re­fus­ing to eat soup: I al­ready ate a chick­en pat­ty this morn­ing!
Moth­er: Shhh. Do you see any­one else in this place yelling?
Lit­tle kid: You’re mak­ing me yell!
Grand­moth­er: Eat the soup.
Lit­tle kid: Stop mak­ing me yell!

–Pan­era Bread

Over­heard by: hap­pened to be work­ing on my lap­top

Mom Had Quite a Mouth on Her

Cus­tomer: How you doin’?
Postal work­er: I’m work­ing hard­er than a one-legged man in an ass-kick­ing con­test.
Cus­tomer: Sounds pret­ty bad.
Postal work­er: Well, it’s bet­ter than my moth­er. She used to say she was work­ing hard­er than a one-legged whore work­ing both sides of the street.

–Grand Cen­tral Post Of­fice, 45th & Lex

Stop Singing and Lick Me

Chub­by chick #1: Oh my god, you know who I look like and who I sound like? I saw like this re­al­ly, re­al­ly old CD of Bar­bara Cook, and she’s so much fat­ter than me, but we sing ex­act­ly alike! [Sings.]Chubby chick #2: I don’t re­al­ly think I look like any­body. That’s not true — I look like a Gum­mi Bear.

–Star­bucks, 52nd & Lex

I Took Him Shop­ping

Queer #1: I had a dream last night that I had can­cer, but Ty Pen­ning­ton showed up and built me a house!
Queer #2: The re­al ques­tion is, did you al­so have sex with him in the dream?
Queer #1: Come on, that would have been tacky!

–Christo­pher & Bleeck­er

Over­heard by: Kyle