Teen boy #1, pointing to a bush: That’s where we peed last time.
Teen boy #2: Really?
–Central Park
Archive for 2007
My Mom Told Me to Stick to the Numbered Streets
Passenger: Hi, I’d like to go to Rivington and Ludlow, please.
Cabbie: I don’t know where that is.
Passenger: That’s okay, I’ll show you how to get there.
Cabbie: But then how will I know how to get back?
–Upper West Side
Overheard by: Charlemagne
I Have Some Questions for Her about Your Upbringing
Hipster chick: Fuck off — I already told you girls don’t poop. Especially not this one. [Boyfriend looks at her with puppy dog eyes.] And no, you cannot put your penis up there to find out. I am not having this conversation before I meet your mother.
–Norfolk & Rivington
Overheard by: edith
I Wanna Learn about Things before They Happen
High school student #1: I hate history. I’m flunking it, man.
High school student #2: Yeah, dude, I hate history. All we learn about is old stuff.
–2 train, 42nd St
Your Truck’s More Like a Pair of Sears Tuffskins
Fruity metro guy: My truck makes this crazy noise whenever I brake.
Mechanic: What’s the make of your truck, son?
Fruity metro guy: White.
Mechanic: No, son, the make.
Fruity metro guy: Truck.
Mechanic: The make, son, the make.
Fruity metro guy: 1997. There, I’ve just told you everything I know about my truck.
Mechanic: Who made your truck? Ford? Nissan?
Fruity metro guy: Oh, you mean the brand. It’s Ford.
Mechanic: A truck ain’t a pair of jeans, son.
–Lower East Side
Overheard by: JoshOnTheBus
No, Honey. The Camera Only Takes a Tiny Piece of His Soul
Seven-year-old: Mom? Did you take a picture when Hammie died?
Mother: No, it’s not right to take pictures of dead things…
Seven-year-old: No, I mean when you took the picture, did it stun him and kill him? [Sister chokes and spits out food.]Mother: Yeah, you deserve to choke on that…
–Penn Station
Overheard by: blondie
Sorry, a Dollar’s All You Get
Hobo: My, you are dressed sharp.
Suit: Thanks. [Hands him a dollar.]Hobo: You so sharp, I’m afraid to touch you ’cause I’ll get cut! You know, ladies love the sharp-dressed men!
–Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Lady Who Loves Him
Though Currently They Are Firmly Restrained
Black girl #1: … And you know white girls don’t wear no panties!
Black girl #2: I don’t wear panties either… I mean, I do when I go out, but when I’m at home my labias be swingin’.
–TGIFridays, 34th St
Overheard by: sad to say i was sitting near them
Fuck the Contest. I’m Joining That Gym!
Workout girl #1: It feels so sticky when I put it on my lips.
Workout girl #2: That’s why you don’t stick your fingers all the way inside it.
–Synergy Gym, Astoria
Overheard by: Wog
Headline by: Rocks N Socks
Runners-Up:
· “How to Eat a Bowl Of Ice Cream Without a Spoon” — Karl
· “Life Without a Toilet Plunger…” — Jackster
· “Oh Cum On!” — Mike
· “The Rim Is All You Need…” — Steph
· “Winnie The Pooh Had The Same Problem With His Honeypot” — Sticky Thump
Can’t Be Too Careful after That Whole “Original Sin” Thing
Girl on first date: I love animals.
Guy on first date: I love animals, too, but I see a snake and I’ll shoot it in the face.
–Union Square
