Archive for 2007

These Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Run

35-ish lady to friend: I don’t even have anything in my mouth, and I still feel American.

–Smith & President

Ferry captain: Welcome to the United States. All crew members please report for docking…

–Manhattan-bound ferry

Overheard by: wondering where we were before…

Female writing professor: No, keep your mind on your money and your money on your mind. This is America, people — don’t be crazy.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Nina

Chick: Bleeding to death? Brain damage? I’m leaning towards gangrene. That’s just so all-American, Oregon Trail, you know? If he’s in this country, he’d better be ready to die like it.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Michelle

Professor: Brooklyn is not part of Long Island the same way New York is not part of America. We’re not in America right now.

–NYU

Overheard by: And Staten Island doesn’t exist.

Boricua thug: So I say, ‘Why you be poopin’ on the shirts of America?’

–5th Ave

The Countertransference of Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to obnoxious child: You need group therapy!

–7 train

Overheard by: Curly

Hipster chick: So, Therapist Rick came over last night and took the kids out for a walk. They had sore bums when they came back, but otherwise they were okay…

–92nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken

Little girl to dad: Last year in third grade I was really depressed!

–80th St, between Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Maif

20-ish lady on cell: Yeah, so I found out he’s a born-again Christian, which was kind of a turn-off because I never got into fundamentalist kink. But my therapist told me to try something new, so I think I’m going to fuck him anyway.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Josephine

Old man: My psychiatrist told me two important things: one, never trust foreigners; two, don’t ever waste an erection, even if you’re alone.

–Restroom, York Theater

Girl on cell: No way! I totally hate my therapist, too!

–89th & 1st

Overheard by: Marisa

Wednesday One-Liners Get Stupid; I Mean, Outrageous

Lady to dude: The problem with being an idealist is that everyone else in the world is stupid.

–Housing Works bookstore

Loud broad on cell: You’re such an idiot! How could you be such an idiot?! That is idiotic… I can’t believe you are that much of an idiot… [Continues for minutes, then] Fine, Mom! I’ll speak to you soon.

–Train from Stamford

Father to small son: … And then for dessert we can have one of your stupid jokes.

–Lafayette & Bleecker

Overheard by: good luck in therapy, kid

Ghetto chick: I’m never having a baby. By the time I figured out I was pregnant I would have smoked so much weed that it would definitely be dumb.

–The Loews, Lincoln Square

Bimbette: I don’t think that crack is that addictive. It can’t be that addictive. I think people are just stupid.

–R train, 5th Ave

Man: Oh, he’s not Irish, he’s just stupid.

–8th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners in TV/TG Land

Woman to friend: They couldn’t tell if I was a man or a woman, and I think that was so cool!

–W 39th & 7th

Long-haired creepster with sunglasses: I’m a MILF.

–13th & 5th

Women on cell: Oh, no, sweetie — wear a dress if you want to… Honey, this is New York — no one blinks an eye at a man wearing a dress… Well, I don’t know if you should wear a cocktail dress or not. I would say heels are appropriate…

–Bed, Bath & Beyond, Lincoln Center

Hobo: I’m pregnant and it’s a she-he. Hahahaha! [Runs away.] 

–Gold & Fulton

Overheard by: drinkingmycoffee

Lady on cell: Tomorrow I’m watching a transvestite get tried in court. I’m really excited. Apparently, when the cops did the pat-down, they had a male do the bottom half and a woman do the top.

–E 82nd & 2nd

Overheard by: McCarton

Two-year-old girl with tube balloon between her legs: I’m a boy! I’m a boy!

–90th & 5th

Overheard by: Genderfucker

Beer belly on cell: You know — she was one of those transgenders! That’s why she was so hot!

–Driggs & N 5th, Williamsburg

Wednesday One-Liners Hit Bottom

80-year-old professor showing slide of two people and an orthosis: … And this picture is not S‑and‑M at all.

–Columbia Medical School

Overheard by: Shocked Student

Hipster: It’s not like we can’t dress her up in fishnets and tell her what to do.

–Bleecker & Cornelia

Four-year-old boy: Rough sex, make it hurt…

–Times Square

Overheard by: Suburban Liz

Chick on cell: I never told you! I ran into someone who was like, ‘I don’t know you, but I recognize you from a photo of you whipping another girl on my friend’s fridge’!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McF.

Computer science professor: Never implement a remove method for the iterator interface. Whoever did that deserves to be spanked for a long time. Unless he enjoys it.

–NYU