Archive for 2007

Or Was That an Episode of M*A*S*H?

Old fart #1, af­ter an­oth­er ex­its bus: Did you hear that old fart? ‘Damn cell phones! Ough­ta be il­le­gal…’ I was talk­ing low! Not both­er­ing him!
Old fart #2: Mmm-hm­mm.
Old fart #1: Hey, the 92nd Street Y — that’s where I saw my first naked woman!
Old fart #2: When was that?
Old fart #1: When I was 46! … Nah, when I was 16 — draw­ing class… They were nurs­es.

–Bus, 86th St

Over­heard by: ste­phie

Read­er Poll: How Long be­fore They Be­come a Cou­ple?

Guy #1: … And ‘K’ on a triple-let­ter score makes 45.
Chick-who-does­n’t-give-blowjobs: What’s that? ‘Up­chuck’? That’s not a word!
Guy #1: I’m afraid it is, dear.
Chick #2: Yup.
Guy #1: Go to dic­tio­nary dot com — look it up.
Chick-who-does­n’t-give-blowjobs: And what does this word mean?
Guy #2: Well, up­chuck is what you would do if you saw smeg­ma.
Guy #1: Last time she saw smeg­ma I got 42 points!
Chick #2, on com­put­er: I just looked up ‘up­chuck.’ It means ‘vom­it.‘
Guy #2: Smeg­ma, up­chuck… Mike, I’m notic­ing a pat­tern in your choice of words.
Guy #1: I just try to think of words that will get Tina re­al­ly up­set.
Chick-who-does­n’t-give-blowjobs: Well, thank you very much. Are you proud that you’re a dis­gust­ing pig?
Guy #1: I would say I’m at peace with my­self.

An­oth­er Scrab­ble par­ty, 34th & 2nd

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

High Ex­pec­ta­tions Can Have Un­in­tend­ed Con­se­quences

Kind­ly gent: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Lit­tle kid: Re­tard­ed!
Kind­ly gent: Re­tard­ed?
Lit­tle kid: My grand­pa is re­tard­ed, and he gets to play and watch TV all day!
Kind­ly gent: [Stunned silence.]Kid’s mom, em­bar­rassed: He means ‘re­tired.‘
Lit­tle kid: Re­tard­ed! Re­tard­ed! Re­tard­ed! I wan­na be re­tard­ed! [Starts to cry.]

–Wash­ing­ton & Wa­ter St