Preppy girl: I don’t get it. How are you too busy to have sex but have enough time to get head?
Thug: Well, I don’t have to do any work. All I have to do is lie there.
Preppy girl: Oh, okay. What time should I come over?
–Ferry to Ellis Island
Archive for 2007
I’d Even Be Comfortable with Your Discomfort
Tall blonde: I just don’t think I’d be comfortable on a nude beach.
Boyfriend: I would be.
–Union Square West
Overheard by: Michelle
Just Not As Many Since the Bypass Surgery
Latino: Why does Cookie Monster have to eat cookies? Why can’t he be, like… Veggie Monster?
Whitey: Yeah, man, the veggies!
Friend: ‘Cause Tom said so! That’s why he’s the Cookie Monster — ’cause he’s gotta eat cookies!
Latino and whitey: Really?
Friend: Yeah.
–Diner, 59th St
I Wanted to Become a Fish, but You Have to Have Surgery
Young man: So, since you last saw me, I’ve decided to become a vegetarian.
Young girl: What’s that? Like fish or somethin’?
–F train
Overheard by: kathy iandoli
Oh, Kristin Chenoweth, You’re Plenty Intimidating!
Guy: You really should move. It’s not safe there.
Girl: Yeah, the woman next to me got robbed recently.
Guy: If I ever walked into my house and saw a nigger standing in my living room, I’d fucking unload a full clip into him. He’d start making excuses, but I wouldn’t fucking care. Then I’d pick up the phone and call the police and tell them I killed him. And he’d say, ‘Nooo!’ and I’d say, ‘Yep, got a dead body on my property,’ and then I’d blow his nuts off.
Girl: Oh… Well, I don’t usually carry a gun around with me.
Guy: I always carry a gun with me. I would run out with my shirt off and my gun in my hand and scare that fucker.
Girl: Well, I don’t think I’d be that intimidating.
–Crema Restaurante, 17th & 6th
Overheard by: Aubrey
Okay, We Need to Go to Learningsmith before We Head Home
Nine-year-old boy: Mom, are we done?
Mom: Yes, we just need to check out.
Nine-year-old boy: Yeah! We’re done! D-u-n, done!
–Duane Reade, 33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: themelancholydane
James Cameron Has Fallen on Hard Times
Crazy guy: Vote for me for king of the world!
Passerby: What on your resume qualifies you to be king of the world?
–Union Square
Overheard by: Morgan
I Know, Right?
20-something to friend: … And she said, ‘Twenty dollars? She offered me 20 dollars for bills after staying with me for a whole month? I’d wipe my ass with that 20-dollar bill!’
Hobo: One 20-dollar bill ain’t enough for that huge ass!
–23rd & 5th
Like Anyone Hears Anything Said on a Cell Phone
Jogging hoochie on cell: Yeah, I just touched down in Boston. No, I’m still in the airport waiting for my bag.
Black guy: Don’t believe her! She’s in Atlantic City!
–Central Park
Overheard by: MaliceAlice
Hey, What Are Friends For?
Girl: Men are dicks.
Friend: It’s alright. You’ll get a new guy soon — you’re cute!
Girl: I know. I’m just sad.
Friend: Well, the sun will come out tomorrow. Have you ever heard of it being cloudy forever? No, because that’s impossible… Except for after a nuclear holocaust, in which case you should just kill yourself.
–4th & Mercer