Archive for 2007

Turn Left onto Kittens-and-Daisies Avenue Instead

Preteen girl on bike #1: Do you know which way we’re going?
Preteen girl on bike #2: This is 30th Avenue… Let’s go this way [points toward 43rd Street].
Preteen girl on bike #1: No! Don’t go down that street! That’s the sexual predator block!

–43rd St & Newtown Rd, Astoria

Overheard by: what do they know that i don’t?

What Happens When Schools Block Computer Porn

Guy #1: Dude, that man squirrel is about to rape that woman squirrel.
Guy #2: Do squirrels have wieners?
Guy #1: I don’t know… I want to see if he sticks it in her!
Guy #2: Oh my god! They’re 69-ing each other! This is awesome!
Guy #1: Holy shit! He just stuck his head up her squirrel-gina!
Guy #2: [Captivated silence.] 

–Central Park

Overheard by: Armando

Is That Mayonnaise in Your Coffee?

Middle-aged white lady: What are you trying to do? You are so rude! I can’t believe you! I am going to get you fired!
Clerk: [Silence.]Middle-aged white lady, to entire line: Can you believe these people? They are so rude! I can’t believe they are trying to short me my coffee! It’s unbelievable!
Young black man: Stop being so white.

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Atlantic & 4th, Brooklyn

And She Was Naked

College guy #1: Remember that time in high school when we brought up all your dad’s old guns from the basement?
College guy #2: Yeah, man, that was so funny.
College guy #1: I know, we all thought that was hysterical. Except for Emily. She totally flipped out. I mean, it wasn’t like we had actually loaded the guns.
College guy #2: Yeah, but then again, she had been held up at gunpoint before, so I guess that’s why.

–115th & Broadway

Heaven Looks Just Like Hell, Except People Take Care of Each Other

Crazy lady: You know what, Eric? All of our friends? Fuck them. She wants to commit suicide, she wants the universe to explode — it’s fucked up. That’s why me and Baby are going to go get something to eat. You should come.
Crazy man #1, Eric: No, I can’t come. I don’t really feel like being outside. Last time all I wanted when I went outside was some milk and oranges, and I couldn’t find them anywhere.
Crazy man #2, Baby: Oh, then don’t worry. When we come back, we’ll find you oranges and milk on the way and bring them to you.
Crazy lady: Mama’s gonna bring you back a good orange. A Sunkist orange. You know what else Mama’s gonna do? Bring you some good milk. Milk and oranges for my Eric.

–Staten Island Ferry