Guy #1: Is this the place?
Guy #2: Yeah, man. Does the pope shit in the woods?
Guy #1: No, dude. He doesn’t.
–7th St & Ave A
Archive for 2007
Fight or Flight — Every Soldier Knows It
Kid: I don’t got no energy for dodgeball.
Speech therapist: You don’t have any energy for dodgeball? There’s always energy for dodgeball. [Kid looks confused.] Trust me, there’s always room for JELL-O, and there is always energy for dodgeball. It’s the law.
–P.S. 31, Queens
Overheard by: Wondering what that session was like
Read My Mind, and I’ll Punish You If You’re Wrong
Professor pointing at a slide of Andy Warhol’s Elvis and one of a giant mountain: Can anyone tell me what the similarities and differences of these two images are?
Student #1: The Warhol print is completely commercial, while the mountain is very natural.
Professor: Yes, that’s one way to see them. Anyone else?
Student #2: One’s a big rock, and one’s the king of rock.
Professor: I think we can all go home now.
–NYU
Overheard by: Addison
They Always Have Candy!
Blonde: We need to cover loads of ground if we want an agent to poach us.
Friend: Why can’t we just go pay for one?
Blonde: They totally just walk the streets looking for hot people and pay them to become models.
Friend: And what are the odds we are gonna just run into one?
Blonde: Trust me, they’re everywhere. They drive around in vans looking for people to audition.
Friend: Please tell me you haven’t been picked up by one of these ‘agents’ before!
–Brooklyn Heights Promenade
Oh, You Were Planning a Non-Virtual Relationship?
Guy #1: That girl at the party, Kyra — she was hot.
Guy #2: I thought so, too, but then I saw her MySpace photos, and she didn’t look that good. I’ll send you a link to them.
Guy #1: Uh… Dude, I saw her in real life. Who cares what her MySpace photos looked like?
–Manhattan-bound F train
Gonna Be a Long Childhood
Tweaker mom: Can I get my butter, please? I paid for my butter, and I’m taking my butter. I paid for it, I tipped for it, and I’m taking it [gets butter, then starts yanking child out the door].
Young daughter: Mommy, you don’t even like butter.
–Sunny & Annie Deli, 6th St & Ave B
Wow, Social D Is Still Together?
Boyfriend: Wha– what?
Girlfriend: Weren’t you listening?
Boyfriend: I’m really excited to see Social D tonight. I haven’t been paying attention for the last hour.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Dude, That’s What Orca Whales Are Trained to Do
Student #1: Dude, she wasn’t even that fat.
Student #2: If she wasn’t ‘that fat,’ she wouldn’t have picked up and eaten the food after we threw it at her.
–Water polo match, Queens College
Overheard by: Jeff
Can’t Wait to Hear the Too-Personal Part
Chubby girl: I don’t do well with fingers in my ass, but I’m pretty good with balls in my mouth. I’ll tell you a story, but if it gets too personal just tell me to stop.
Nerdy boy: Alright.
Chubby girl: I was at Jason’s house, and, mind you, we were in an awkward position — kind of half-sitting, half-laying down — but it’s always awkward when you’re half asleep, you know? Well, we started kissing, and then my negligee fell down. It literally fell down below my breasts. And Jason was like, ‘I don’t know if I’m comfortable with your toplessness…’
–6 train
Why Not? He Wears Girl Keds and He’s Partially Hydrogenated
Boy: I was trying to tackle him, I just couldn’t get my– I just couldn’t get my hands around him. I just couldn’t squeeze his legs together… just couldn’t… I just couldn’t get my hands around. Oh! And there’s this kid, and we call him ‘Transfatty‘ because you don’t know whether he’s a boy or a girl, and he’s like, a fat kid and that’s why we made up this nickname for him — Transfatty!
Soccer dad: You don’t really call him that, do you?
–Elevator, 92nd & 3rd