Archive for February, 2008

But Is­n’t That Malt Liquor in Your Car­riage?

Black woman with ba­by car­riage to peo­ple try­ing to push in: What’s the mat­ter with you moth­a­fuck­ahs? Are the god­damn stairs bro­ken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I’m a vet­er­an! I fought for my god­damn coun­try, and now you won’t make room for me in a god­damn el­e­va­tor?! [Doors close, leav­ing old black man out.]Black woman with ba­by car­riage: Fuck his old ass. Women and chil­dren first.

–Civ­il Court, 141 Liv­ingston St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

They Jerk Their Meat

Puer­to Ri­can girl #1: I re­al­ly hate the way she eats.
Puer­to Ri­can girl #2: Yeah, but she’s Ja­maican. You know how they are.

–Bergen St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Dumb­found­ed

Head­line by: Gut­ter­lush

Run­ners-Up:
· “At Least She Is­n’t Do­mini­can.” — Jon
· “Even Their Chick­ens Are Jerks.” — Howard Ban­nis­ter
· “Psy­chic?” — Beryl
· “Racism! It’s What’s For Din­ner” — Goldielox
· “You’re Just Jeal­ous You Can’t Use Your Dreads As a Fork” — Chels

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Over 1 Bil­lion Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Served

Guy to friend: Yo! I’m mad hun­gry! I want some anus! [Pas­sen­gers stare.] … Awww, shit! I meant that shit from Mc­Don­ald’s — an­gus! An­gus!

–4 train

En­thu­si­as­tic queer: This train smells like Mc­Don­ald’s! Some­one’s be­ing a chub­by chick­en!

–Queens-bound N train

Over­heard by: Onion

Hobo: Just so you know, they don’t got liquor stores in heav­en. They don’t got no Mc­Don­ald’s, nei­ther.

–1 train

Over­heard by: Galen

Girl on cell: He’s ob­sessed with Amer­i­ca’s Next Top Mod­el… And he watch­es What Not to Wear… What? No… Mom, he said that Mc­Don­ald’s fries are his weak­ness, but they go straight to his thighs! How much gay­er do you need him to be?!

–Pratt In­sti­tute

Mom to cry­ing kid in stroller: Well, if you don’t want Mc­Don­ald’s, I don’t know what I can get you.

–207th & Broad­way

Is It Hot in Here, or Is It You, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Man to scant­i­ly clad girl passer­by: Yo, can I get your num­ber? Can I text mes­sage you? Can I e‑mail you? Some­thin’? [As she walks away] Can I be your socks?

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Nicole

70-year-old man to 20-some­thing jog­ger: Good morn­ing. Would you like to wres­tle in the grass over there?

–River­side Park

Drunk­en Don Juan: Hey… Miss… Miss… Ah… Is your hus­band… Is your hus­band mar­ried?

–Prospect Pl & Clas­son, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: sweet tea

Drunk guy to girl: You have nice toes. I want to put them in my mouth.

–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave

Creepy guy to hot blonde, af­ter try­ing to pick her up: I’m not try­ing to hit on you. I just want to be your friend on Face­book.

–78th & Colum­bus

Every Lit­tle Wednes­day One-Lin­er Helps

Crazy hobo to pass­ing Ford­ham stu­dents: Y’all crazy moth­er­fuck­ers pay 40 grand a year to get a damn ed­u­ca­tion. Y’all don’t need no ed­u­ca­tion. Pay 40 grand to get me food! Hell, I’ll take four dol­lars! Look at me — I got no ed­u­ca­tion, and I turned out just fine.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: one of those moth­a­fuck­ers

Wheel­bo: I don’t care what they say, I promise you I’ll pay you back.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: MBS

Hobo: I need mon­ey for al­co­hol, drugs, and a hook­er… Hey, at least I’m not bull­shit­ting you.

–35th & 4th

Hobo, as girl near­by drops her Vogue: Oh, no! Some­body dropped their Torah!

–E train

Hobo, to pass­ing suit: Hey, ass­hole, why don’t you get a job like every­one else, and stop tak­ing my mon­ey?!

–34th & 8th