Archive for April, 2008

Won’t Some­body Please Think of the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Lit­tle boy: But I was re­al­ly ex­cit­ed for her to get a her­nia!

–35th & 6th

Over­heard by: al­ix

Eleven-year-old boy, to class­mate that he just hit with a ball rep­re­sent­ing “re­spon­si­bil­i­ty”: Oooooooo!!! You just got pound­ed in the face with re­spon­si­bil­i­ty!!!

–Bush­wick, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Their Proud Coun­selor

Ten-year-old girl, about fig­ures: Why do they all have to be boys?

–Bod­ies: The Ex­hi­bi­tion, South Street Sea­port

Over­heard by: Robert

Young child cross­ing the street while hold­ing his moth­ers hand: [Singing] Please… Don’t… En­ter me.

–70th St & Colum­bus

Lit­tle boy: It’s not il­le­gal to jig­gle.

–6th & 17th

Preschool­er to dad­dy: Can I get that three hun­dred dol­lars now?

–UES

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Spin Fat in­to Mus­cle

African man, yelling in­to cell: I am not rid­ing a bike! I’m not a ma­chine! I’m not a ma­chine! I’m not a wheel!

–W 23rd St

Over­heard by: I’m a train!

Loud chick on cell: So I told him he’s got­ta do some ex­er­cis­es or some­thing to keep up with me. I mean, he does­n’t do any fore­play or any­thing, just climbs his fat ass on top of me…

–37th & Broad­way

Guy on phone at sand­wich shop: How am I? Well, that’s a com­pli­cat­ed que­sion ‑do you mean right now, or in gen­er­al? Be­cause right now, Lisa’s got a re­al­ly bad cold and is all set up on the couch and I just got back from a eu­lo­gy for a friend’s pop. So now I’m get­ting a cof­fee and then I plan on rid­ing the bi­cy­cle at the gym -’cause that’s the clos­est I can get to hero­in. How are you?

–85th & Colum­bus Ave

La­dy, to marathon wheel­chair par­tic­i­pants: Don’t just sit there, go go go!

–99th & 5th, NYC Marathon

Grown woman, clap­ping and bounc­ing up and down: Yaaaaaaay, I get to go on the slide!

–76th & York

Ten-year-old girl leav­ing the mid­night show­ing of Har­ry Pot­ter: Ugh. I am nev­er work­ing out again!

–68th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Can’t Car­ry a Tune in a Buck­et

Bum walk­ing dog, singing: Tired of look­ing for love in all the wrong places, ejac­u­lat­ing on all the wrong faces…

–72nd St & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: As­set

Drugged-up guy singing a song to girls on sub­way plat­form, to the tune of “Earth An­gel”: Earth an­gel, earth an­gel, would you be mine? Earth an­gel, earth an­gel, would some­one loan me mon­ey so I can bribe her to take me hoooome…

–Union Square Plat­form

Over­heard by: Thank­ful­ly not an earth an­gel

Cop #1, singing to cop #2: Look at me, I’m San­dra Dee..!

–6th Ave & Wa­ver­ly

Over­heard by: Jat­mos

Blind pan­han­dler, singing: Can’t take my eyes off of you…

–R Train

Young hobo, singing: Gimme some mon­ey, bitch, I need a fuckin’ pen, so I can write a sign…

–St Mark’s Place

Grey­hound bus dri­ver: We’re pulling up to Port Au­thor­i­ty now. [Sings] My Grey­hound brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, it’s bet­ter than yours, damn right, it’s bet­ter than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge. La la la la la- New York City! La la la la la ‑al­most there.

–Gey­hound, Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: car­ly, gi­na, and jen­na

Why Did the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Cross the Road?

Run­ning jay­walk­er: The worst car to get hit by is a Mi­ni Coop­er!

–Uni­ver­si­ty & 10th St

Over­heard by: Knows trucks that beg to dif­fer

Old man cross­ing the street, on cell: I’m cross­ing the fuck­ing street!

–42nd & Broad­way

Guy wear­ing yarmulke, to friend: Hey, watch out! Just be­cause you’re Jew­ish does­n’t mean cars won’t run you over.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Tourist suit to oth­er suit: New York­ers are so rude. Just wait till you see how they all cross the street at red lights!

–Metro North Train to Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: Court­ney Mess­er

Cop on loud­speak­er, to Asian bim­bo tourist try­ing to walk down the mid­dle of Canal St: Side­walks are open to the pub­lic. Please use them.

–Canal Street

Over­heard by: F Tourists

[Two cops are wait­ing at the light. A woman jay­walks and al­most gets hit by a car.]
Male cop: Phew! That would have been a lot of pa­per work.

–44th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Aimee

Send in the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Ghet­to kid at a car­ni­val: Man, that was­n’t no clown. That was just some­one dressed like a clown!

–P.S. 218, The Bronx

Over­heard by: Chil­dren are the fu­ture

Four­teen-year-old black girl to friend: You should have thrown a brick at a clown and seen the blood. You would have loved that.

–7th Ave Street Fair, Park Slope

Over­heard by: send in the clowns

Lit­tle girl, point­ing at ob­vi­ous pimp: Look mom­my, look! A clown!

–Brook­lyn

Jan­i­tor to clown post-show: Every­body loves clowns. Even Bill Gates!

–Bar­num & Bai­ley Cir­cus

Slight­ly crazed look­ing man to well-dressed blonde chick: For $300 you’ll get a clown and a play­boy bun­ny!

–E4th & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: I might con­sid­er pay­ing up

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are in Dire Need of a Glade Plug-In

Drunk, an­gry Puer­to Ri­can girl to boyfriend: You had to make me smell like fuckin’ Chi­nese food on new year’s eve!

–Grand St & Gra­ham Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: some­one who hap­pi­ly had a dif­fer­ent New Year’s date, and won­ders whether there is a De­sign­er Im­posters ver­sion of such a scent.

Dis­gust­ed Mc­Don­ald’s pa­tron: This shit smells worse than a hobo’s taint!

–14 & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Shemp

Man, en­ter­ing sub­way car: Son, it smells like home de­pot in here.

–4 Train

Drunk soros­ti­tute on cell: It smelled fine. It was just a febreeze gone awry!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

Queer: I can’t wait to move out of this de­crepit of­fice build­ing. A cou­ple of days ago a mouse died in the walls ‑you re­mem­ber what that smells like. The guys in the of­fice said: “Maybe it’ll go away af­ter a week,” but I told them it’s just go­ing to get worse, so now they want to bring in some aw­ful air fresh­en­er thing. Some­one is al­ready spray­ing that stuff in the men’s room, and it’s got a nasty ar­ti­fi­cial or­ange scent, so it smells like some­one shat on a fruit bas­ket.

–28th & Park

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Girl with a huge ug­ly weave: I smell fried chick­en! [Paus­es.] … Oh, it’s pro­l­ly me. [Keeps walk­ing.]

–Li­brary, Wash­ing­ton Irv­ing High School