Archive for August, 2008

Should You Re­al­ly Use the Nu­clear Op­tion in a No-Cut­sies Sit­u­a­tion?

Old la­dy in line at the bank #1: Ex­cuse me, I’m not cut­ting you, I just need to speak with the teller.
Old la­dy in line at the bank #2: Well, ex­cuse me, but you are cut­ting me.
Old la­dy in line at the bank #1: No, I’m not. The teller told me to come back when I was fin­ished with this form. I’m just do­ing what I was told to.
Old la­dy in line at the bank #2: You’re just do­ing what you were told to? That’s what the Nazis said!

–87th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Carmela Machi­a­to

The Six Train’s Your Es­cape Pod to Smal­l­ville

Four-year-old: I wan­na be Su­per­man!
Dad: No, you wan­na be a po­lice of­fi­cer.
Four-year-old: I wan­na be Su­per­man!
Dad: Su­per­man’s not re­al.
Four-year-old: They say I can be what­e­va I want, I wan­na be Su­per­man!
Dad: Oh, I’m sor­ry lil’ man. You Su­per­man.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Chris K

…Against Your Chem­i­cal­ly-In­duced Emo­tions

20-some­thing Long Is­land girl: Oh god! This breakup has been the best thing that has ever hap­pened to me. I hon­est­ly don’t even care that he dumped me.
Friend: Yeah, to­tal­ly.
20-some­thing Long Is­land girl: Se­ri­ous­ly, he needs to re­al­ize if it was­n’t for that sweater he was wear­ing, and the fact that I was on ec­sta­sy that night, we would have nev­er dat­ed for this long.
Friend: Yeah! It was J.Crew… And they were dou­ble stacked…you were pow­er­less.

–Lokal Bar, Green­point, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Aaron

So, Wan­na Fuck?

Good look­ing suit to lunch date: How about this–let’s say that you and I are equal­ly at­trac­tive. Now let’s say that on any giv­en day we each see 1,000 peo­ple of the op­po­site sex (a lot more, ob­vi­ous­ly, but that’s a good num­ber). You, as a woman, could sleep with ap­prox­i­mate­ly 850 of them–that 1,000 is dis­count­ed by the 100 who are gay (10%, as they say), and the 50 who are faith­ful to their wives/girlfriends. Now for me–I see 1,000 women, but 850 is way too high a num­ber for me–maybe, if I’m lucky, I could find a few skanks in the group will­ing to bang a guy they don’t know. Aside from that, I’m look­ing at 2–3 dates, din­ners, phone calls, all that shit. That’s why it’s eas­i­er for girls.
Date: Wow.
Good look­ing suit: It’s sim­ple math.
Date: You would on­ly al­low 50 faith­fuls? Sheesh.
Good look­ing suit: Men are scum.

–Bryant Park

Over­heard by: wed­ding rings are for sissies

I Sell My­self Mag­ic Beans Every Morn­ing

Mr. Smith* (lift­ing stu­den­t’s back­pack) That’s over­loaded. You need to get a boyfriend to car­ry that for you.
Stu­dent: I don’t need a boyfriend.
Mr. Smith: Then find some suck­er to car­ry it for you.
Stu­dent: I’m my own suck­er!

–Stuyvesant High School

Over­heard by: The Hap­py Hip­pie

We’ll Al­ways Have Paris

Teen girl #1: So yeah, like…Paris Hilton to­tal­ly got kicked out of our school for do­ing coke too!
Teen girl #2: Paris Hilton went to our school?!
Teen girl #1: Bitch, this is­n’t about Paris… All I can say is: How cool is it that I got kicked out of the same school as Paris Hilton did, for the same rea­son?
Teen girl #2: Wait, you got kicked out?
Teen girl #1: Why the fuck do you think I’m not in class any­more?
Teen girl #2: Every­one thought you were preg­nant again.

–Park Bench, 89 & CPW

It’d Be Hard to Ketchup

(large Russ­ian woman walks by and says hi)
Old Jew­ish guy #1: Wad­dya think of her? She’s Russ­ian, right?
Old Jew­ish guy #2: Yeah, yeah, you can tell. I don’t go for that, though. She’s a big broad, re­al chunky. She’s like a big toma­to.

–Sheep­’s Mead­ow, Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: makes me hun­gry…