Archive for 2008

Next on Why Tourists Wear Fan­ny­packs: Scary Black Peo­ple!

Gui­do chick: Hey, you over there. Yeah you, ain’t you Dwayne?
Thug: Yeah, what’s it to ya?
Gui­do chick: It’s me, Gi­na, from the neigh­bor­hood. Whatch­ya doin’ all the ways out here?
Thug: Workin’, babe, workin’.
Gui­do chick: Workin’ on what?
Thug: It’s pick­pock­et sea­son. Now’s the times I makes my mon­ey.
Gui­do chick: Bitch, you best not be stealin’ from my fam­i­ly! I’ll bust a cap in ya ass and then tell my Un­cle Carmine.
Thug: Don’t wor­ry, bitch, I on­ly hit on the tourists.
Gui­do chick: Okay, babe, see ya in the neigh­bor­hood. Come tell me how it works out.

–Win­ter­gar­den The­atre

Over­heard by: An­n­marie

De­spite That, the Punch to the Jaw Came As a Sur­prise

Tourist woman: How do I get to Times Square?
Skin­ny blonde: Take a train as far north as pos­si­ble.
Asian male passer­by: You do not want to do that.
Tourist woman: Why do New York­ers al­ways lie?!
Skin­ny blonde: I’m not from here. I live in L.A. Every­one there lies.
Tourist woman: So how do you know where to go?
Skin­ny blonde: We’re all psy­chic, too.

–42nd & 8th

His Mis­take Was Get­ting Mar­ried on the Day the Wit­ness Pro­tec­tion Pro­gram Peo­ple Re-up.

Har­ried groom, shout­ing: Is there any­one here who has a valid ID who can be a wit­ness for my wed­ding cer­e­mo­ny?!
Guy on line: Sure, I’ll do it. [Turns to woman at the win­dow.] Wait, can I be a wit­ness for this guy and still be a wit­ness for them back there?
Woman at win­dow: Um, no.
Har­ried groom: Is there any­one here who has a valid ID who is­n’t al­ready a wit­ness who can be a wit­ness for my wed­ding cer­e­mo­ny?!

–Mar­riage li­cense of­fice, Coun­ty Clerk, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: fi­ancee of the guy who end­ed up wit­ness­ing