Archive for 2008

Se­ri­ous­ly– Stop Hav­ing Those Din­ner Par­ties

Les­bian daugh­ter: Wow, I have such burnt-out mem­o­ry cells. Not to be con­fused with my sick­le cell.
Sis­ter, laugh­ing: It’s all mom’s fault! All mom’s fault.
Les­bian to mom, scream­ing and laugh­ing: Why did­n’t you eat my pla­cen­ta?! You should’ve eat­en my pla­cen­ta! You need­ed to eat my pla­cen­ta!
Mom, calm as can be: I’m not African. And be­sides, you have enough peo­ple eat­ing your pla­cen­ta.

–Park­ing Lot, NYU Col­lege

Over­heard by: Les­bian’s Wifey

We’ll Dis­cuss This Fur­ther in Our Unit on As­sas­sins

[Class is con­ju­gat­ing Japan­ese verbs in the “to make some­one or let some­one” form.]Student #1: To make some­one eat.
Stu­dent #2: To make some­one sit.
Stu­dent #3: To make some­one for­get. [Beat, then in Eng­lish.] Wait, how can you make some­one for­get some­thing?
Japan­ese teacher, to­tal­ly se­ri­ous: Bourne Iden­ti­ty.

–Japan­ese Class, Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg

Is That a New Gay Bar in Chelsea?

Tourist: Ex­cuse me, can you tell me how to get to Mo­MA from here?
Suit: Fuck you, what do I look…
Tourist, in­dig­nant­ly in­ter­rupt­ing: No, fuck you, you moth­er­fuck­ing piece of shit. You don’t want to an­swer, you say “I don’t know”. All you New York­ers are a bunch of cock-suck­ing ass­holes.
[Suit, stunned, gives directions.]Bystander to tourist: Where did you learn to do that?
Tourist: The Mid­west.

–Out­side the Guggen­heim

Over­heard by: Ehem.

He’d Been Wear­ing His Fat-In­vis­i­bil­i­ty Cloak at the Bar

[Guy walks by and el­bows girl in head.]Girl: Ow!
[A drunk girl is pass­ing by.]Drunk girl: I’m sor­ry!
Girl: No, some guy just el­bowed me in the head.
Drunk girl: Don’t wor­ry about it. One time I met this guy here and went home with him, but it turned out he lived in Brook­lyn. And he was fat.

–Bar, 14th & Ave A