Archive for 2008

And Get­ting Bet­ter Every Minute

Girl (sob­bing): I’m sor­ry… I know cheat­ing is nev­er the an­swer… I’ll do what­ev­er I can to make it up to you.
(long si­lence)
Guy (chuck­ling): Sor­ry for laugh­ing. I’m just think­ing of what a bet­ter per­son than you I am.
(five min­utes lat­er)
Guy (still chuck­ling): You know you’re hot and guys hit on you all the time but what you for­get is that I’m hot. Girls hit on me every day. But I’d nev­er cheat be­cause I’m a good per­son.

–Metro Cafe, 57th & 5th

Em­inem’s Al­so from Michi­gan, So You Do the Math

Guy from Michi­gan: That strip­per robbed me.
Cop: How so?
Guy from Michi­gan: She said if I gave her $150 she would jerk me off. I payed her the $150 and she did­n’t do it. I want her ar­rest­ed.
Cop: Is every­one from Michi­gan an ass­hole or just you?

–Show World

Hey, the One Thing Gays and Straights Agree on Is Julie An­drews

Guy #1: So there I was, screw­ing my pil­low in my sleep… Ya know, re­al­ly bounc­ing the bed.
Guy #2: So… What? She did­n’t like that?
Guy #1: Well, ya know, she woke me up and asked if I was al­right. Ya know. I mean I was lay­ing there with a bon­er you could break rocks with and all con­fused. That’s when I said “Where’s Julie?“
Guy #2: That’s freakin’ messed up, man!“
Guy #1: Yeah. Crap… That be­ing her sis­ter’s name and all.
Guy #2: I’m go­ing to laugh my ass off over this. Did you tell her it was Julie An­drews?
Guy #1: Fuck! I did­n’t want her to think I was a per­vert or some­thing.