Archive for 2008

Poor Win­ners Are Even Nas­ti­er Than Poor Losers

Girl: Oh shit! A dime!
(a ston­er boy steps on the dime as the girl goes to pick it up)
Girl: Hey, could you please move? Hey, you’re step­ping on a dime! Hey!
(boy drags foot for­wards with dime un­der it, ig­nor­ing her)
Girl, try­ing to lift the boy’s foot: Get off! Get off the dime! Je­sus! Hey! You’re step­ping on a dime! Get off!
(boy slides for­ward again and the dime slips out. He con­tin­ues slid­ing his feet to­wards a stair­way)
Girl (hold­ing up dime tri­umphant­ly): Yes! A dime! (point­ing at boy) You! I will kill your fam­i­ly!

–Stuyvesant High

Over­heard by: I love this school

…To Use One of Emi­ly Dick­in­son’s Less­er-Known Sim­i­les

Eng­lish pro­fes­sor: So who here is el­i­gi­ble to vote but is­n’t?
(stu­dent rais­es hand)
Eng­lish pro­fes­sor: Why aren’t you vot­ing?
Ditzy Asian girl: I dun­no… I just don’t know who to vote for.
Eng­lish pro­fes­sor: But…they’re so dif­fer­ent. They’re like choco­late ice cream and…gravel.

–Hunter Col­lege

Over­heard by: Shak­ti

I’m About Twelve and a Half Hours Gay

Coked-out girl: Your friend is hot. Is she gay?
Drunk girl: I don’t know. Are you gay?
Coked-out girl: I like the way Shaki­ra puts it. (singing) “When­ev­er, wher­ev­er, we’re meant to be to­geth­er.”
(lat­er on)
Coked-out girl: Are you as straight as the day is long?
Drunk girl: Um, it depends…how long is the day?
Coked-out girl: Four­teen hours.

–So­phie’s, 5th & Ave A

Over­heard by: amazed

Kind­ly Old Peo­ple Re­al­ly Give Us Hope

Grand­pa: Do we re­al­ly have to take them to the fuck­ing zoo?
Grand­ma (hold­ing a pam­phlet about the zoo): Look, this is the stu­pid shit that they’re in­to, so this is where we got­ta go.
Grand­pa (point­ing to a pic­ture in the pam­phlet): What the fuck is that? A chip­munk?
Grand­ma: It’s a fuck­ing rab­bit!

–St. Mark’s Place, Stat­en Is­land

Home­land Se­cu­ri­ty Guide­lines Get More Bizarre by the Year

Dude, to oth­er dude with a small back­pack: Is that the new back­pack nano? What do you have in there, an ap­ple and a bot­tle of wa­ter? You car­ry­ing acorns around in there? One pack­age of skit­tles? An abridged copy of…The Old Man and the Sea?
Back­pack dude: Do I re­al­ly have to ex­plain my back­pack to you?

–L Train

Over­heard by: ul­tra-con­densed movies

Iden­ti­cal Twins Have the Strangest Re­la­tion­ships

Black guy (spot­ting a friend): Hey man, what’s up? You know you one ug­ly moth­er­fuc­ka? (laughs)
Black guy #2: Dude, youse the ug­ly nig­ga. You’ve been one ug­ly moth­er­fuc­ka for ten years.
Black guy #1: You’ve been an ug­ly moth­er­fuc­ka since you was born.
(time pass­es, they talk in their sep­a­rate groups of friends. Black guy #1 gets off train)
Black guy #2’s friend: Yo, your ug­ly nig­ga just left.
Black guy #2: He is one ug­ly moth­a­fuc­ka is­n’t he? (laughs).

–1 Train