Patron: I just saw Dreamgirls.
Pianist: How was it?
Patron: So good it killed James Brown.
–Marie’s Crisis, 59 Grove St
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Archive for 2008
Everything They Need to Know They Learned from Tom Cruise Movies
Dude #1: I wish I could just retire and do whatever I wanted. I’d go to Yale Law School.
Dude #2: Yeah, I know, man. I’d move to the Caribbean and bartend.
–New Haven Line
Overheard by: I can see why they’re such good friends
Oh, Spare Me Your Dismal-Ass Autobiography
Guy to friend, about Grindhouse double-feature: That was fucking awesome.
Old guy in front of them: You didn’t actually like that, did you?
Guy: I did! I thought it was hilarious.
Old guy: Yeah, it was as funny as a dead child’s toy.
–83rd & 2nd
Overheard by: don juan
Whereas I’ve Had to Wait Weeks for My Crochet Supplies
Big thug #1: … And I was like, ‘No fuckin’ way.‘
Big thug #2: Yeah, nigga. That shit is like magic.
Big thug #1: I know, nigga. I did it. I went home and I ordered the new Harry Potter from Amazon. That shit came the next day. It was like magic.
–14th & 6th
Overheard by: h
Sober, I’m Kind of a Tight-Ass
Girl #1: The following night we had sex.
Girl #2: Sex?
Girl #1: Yeah, but not normal sex.
Girl #2: What do you mean?
Girl #1, lowering voice: Butt sex.
Girl #2: In the butt?! What did he do?!
Girl #1: Nothing, it’s just tighter.
Girl #2: You’d have to be super drunk to do that.
Girl #3: Yeah, every time I’ve done it, I have been.
–96th & Lex
Overheard by: jc
Damn, I Knew I Should’ve Pulled Out… Something Else
Hobo: Excuse me, do you have some change so I can buy some dinner?
Girl: Sorry, I don’t carry cash.
Hobo: I bet you’d have some cash if I pulled out my 9mm [makes fake gun with his hand].
Girl, nonplussed: No, I really wouldn’t.
–14th & 3rd
… How Boring for You
Black lesbian #1: Everything changed for me when I started reading Tony.
Black lesbian #2: Oh, yeah, Toni Morrison changed my life.
Black lesbian #1: No, I’m talking about Tony Robbins. I learned it’s all about personal power!
Black lesbian #2: Oh.
–Brooklyn-bound J train
Overheard by: A White Bear
Sorry, I Mean, “Invoke Your First Miranda Right”
Guy, after Bar results: Oh, hi there.
Girl: Hi.
Guy: So…
Girl: So… Big day.
Guy: Yeah. It’s big. Big day.
Simultaneously to one another: So you’re…
Girl: Happy?
Guy: Um. Yeah. Pretty happy. You?
Girl: I’m happy!
Together: Yeah!
Hobo: Shut the fuck up!
–5 train
Also Has a Kid Like That at Home
Employee: So, it’ll be done in about a week.
Woman with Jamaican accent: Be careful. My computer’s special. It fell off the truck.
–Computer store, Flatbush Ave
Overheard by: diane
Shortest Law & Order Episode Ever
Bag lady: Please, can someone help me? Call 911…
Cop: You’re talking to a goddamn cop! Are you fucking retarded?
–Times Square
