Archive for April, 2009

All the We­b­cam View­ers Laugh, Though.

An­noy­ing com­e­dy tick­et sell­er: Want to see co­me­di­ans?
Pass­er by: No.
An­noy­ing com­e­dy tick­et sell­er: Why not? Every­one loves to laugh!
Pass­er by: Still no, leave me alone.
An­noy­ing com­e­dy tick­et sell­er: Well, if you don’t like laugh­ing, what do you do with your spare time?
Pass­er by, fed up: Mas­tur­bate!

–42nd & 8th

He’s Not Al­lowed Back at the Sperm Bank for the Same Rea­sons

Crazy dude: Hey, can I have a sam­ple?
Barista: I’m sor­ry?
Crazy dude: A sam­ple of your cof­fee.
Man­ag­er: Sir! I told you last week not to come in here any­more.
Crazy dude: Huh?
Man­ag­er: Don’t you re­mem­ber when you threw a cup of cof­fee, hot cof­fee, at one of my baris­tas?
Crazy dude: No.

–Star­bucks

Over­heard by: Flea

Head­line by: drkip­per

Run­ners-Up:
· “I Was Just Ven­ti-ng” — fuvvc­ck­kk
· “In His De­fense, No One Else Thinks That It’s Re­al­ly Cof­fee Ei­ther” — Pe­ter G.
· “Nao­mi Camp­bel­l’s Less­er Known Broth­er Strikes Again” — Jakal
· “The Se­quel to “Me­men­to” Lacks the Nar­ra­tive Dri­ve Of the First” — To­by
· “You Should See What He Did at the Sex Shop Down the Street” — Char­lie

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

It’s All About Chem­istry, Peo­ple

Pro­fes­sor: Once I was in the kitchen with a friend who was cook­ing, who had messed some­thing up and I made a chem­i­cal sug­ges­tion to help her fix it. It worked. I end­ed up mar­ry­ing her.
Whole class: Awwww!
Pro­fes­sor: We end­ed up get­ting di­vorced.
Pro­fes­sor: I am mar­ried again! (shows ring fin­ger)

–NYU Build­ing

The Make-a-Wednes­day-One-Lin­er Foun­da­tion

La­dy on phone: Well, I wish I could get the fat re­moved from my back but we can’t all get what we want, can we?

–Tar­get

10-year-old child with moth­er and younger sib­lings: I wish I could get a di­a­per…

–K‑Mart, As­tor Place

Ran­dom smok­ing kid: I re­al­ly wish I could smoke out of my ass.

–Lin­coln Cen­ter

Girl cross­ing the street: I re­al­ly wish some­thing would hit me…I need some mon­ey.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: 3 day tourist

Girl, af­ter re­ceiv­ing gift: This is…this is so great! I’m so hap­py! Oh, man! I…I wish you had a lit­tle pe­nis so I could give it a rub right now!

–Barnes & No­ble, Park Slope

You’ve Got Some Set Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers on You, Bud­dy!

Woman on cell: I’d love to watch foot­ball with you. I’ll even hold the balls.

–92nd & Lex­ing­ton

Boyfriend to guy sit­ting be­tween him and his girl­friend: Hey man, can you slide over? I need some ball space over here.

–Up­town 4 Train

20-some­thing chick: I aim for as many balls as pos­si­ble.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Meis­ter

Woman to male Tar­get em­ploy­ee: Do you have balls? (brief awk­ward pause) Like play­ing ones…

–Tar­get, Queens

Moth­er to kids: Okay, raise your hand if you don’t have balls! (group of boys ea­ger­ly raise their hands)

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Chad­wick

Does a Wednes­day One-Lin­er Shit in the Woods?

Puz­zled guy on cell: What kind of girl calls you a “cud­dly wud­dly bear” and does­n’t go out with you?

–The Vil­lage

Over­heard by: Greene

Hobo: Hey there, folks! I’m Yo­gi Bear! Have you seen Ranger Rick?

–Gray’s Pa­paya

Over­heard by: Zach

Woman on cell: I’m glad the evil bear did­n’t kill you in your sleep!

–113th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: La­dle

Drunk girl to sober com­pan­ion: Oh my god, I saw this dog the oth­er day. It was a bear!

–Tick-Tock Din­er

Out­raged girl on cell: She’s an­ti-po­lar bear?

–NYU Cam­pus

Over­heard by: ni­na

Wednes­day Has His Cake and Eats One-Lin­ers, Too

Teen on cell: Man, it’s re­al­ly hard to be bi-cu­ri­ous around gay guys you don’t like.

–L Train

Old­er gay man: Oh, it must be won­der­ful to be bi­sex­u­al! I mean, bilin­gual.

–69th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ana

Girl to friend: My boyfriend is bi. I told him I did­n’t want him mak­ing out with oth­er girls. Oth­er boys are fine, be­cause they don’t kiss on the mouth as much.

–Eu­ropa Cafe, 53rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Sam

Large black man on cell: Yeah, you know, ba­by, this is the city. Eeeev­ery­body’s bi­sex­u­al!

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: Mod­ern Guilt