Teacher, looking at photo: Ahhh, was this taken in Russia?
Student: No, that’s Coney Island.
–Stuyvesant High School
Archive for June, 2009
Meet the Chubby Elle Woods
Girl to boyfriend mocking her for not swiping credit card properly: Ken! Don’t you dare make fun of me!! I’ve had a really hard day!
Ken: Why? What happened?
Girl, choking: I failed my mid-terms. (suddenly swipes her card angrily) All I want right now is my Cosmopolitan and candy bar. That’s all I ask of life!
–Store, 59th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Frank S
Oh, I Wouldn’t Go That Far
Dude: So I was like, “Whoa!“
Chick: And then I was like, “Whoa!“
Dude: And then we were both like, “Whoa!”
–Caesar’s Bay, Brooklyn
I Wasn’t Always a Security Guard, Y’know
Girl selling at bake sale #1: This is so stupid. No one wants anything.
Security guard: That’s cause you’re doin’ it all wrong.
Girl selling at bake sale #2: Oh yeah? What should we do?
Security guard: Next person that passes, be like “Yo! I got your brownie!” then when they come over, give it to them and be like “Aight, that’s two dollars.”
–Manhattan College, The Bronx
Ever Feel Like There’s Less Mystery in the Gay Dating Scene?
Drunk guy #1: Don’t take this the wrong way, but I really want to take you home tonight.
Drunk guy #2: How am I supposed to take that?
Drunk guy #1, seriously: In the ass.
–F Train
The Deeply Stupid Are Immune to Sarcasm
Customer to employee: Excuse me, are these zucchini?
Employee: No, they’re pickles.
Customer: Are you sure? They look like zucchini!
Employee: Yes, they’re pickles.
Customer: Oh. (pause) Do they taste like zucchini?
Employee, after long pause: Yes. Yeah…pickles tastes like zucchini.
–Balducci’s Restaurant
And I Remembered That Story About the Milk and the Cow
Female undergrad #1: How was your first date with that new guy?
Female undergrad #2: Really great! I must really like him, because I didn’t sleep with him.
–NYU
“Hold My Johnson” Is Up in Chelsea
Woman in Santa Claus costume, looking lost: Excuse me, honey, do you live around here?
Girl: Yeah.
Woman in Santa Claus costume: Do you know where there’s a bar called Johnson, or Hold My Johnson, or something?
Girl, laughing: Johnson’s? It’s right across the street.
–Rivington St
Overheard by: hahahaha
Translation: “Just Google It, You Lazy Ho.”
Girl to cashier: Do you have any locations in North Carolina?
Cashier to girl: No, we only have locations on the East and West coasts.
–Store, Grand Central
Wait a Minute– Are You the Creepy Guy?
Annoyed woman: And then there’s that one guy, that creepy guy who’s always harassing me.
Confused man: Who?
Annoyed woman: That guy, he’s really pale.
Confused man: Oh, is this the albino guy?
Annoyed: No, no, the albino guy is cool. It’s that film student.
Confused man: The guy who works at Anderson’s?
Annoyed woman: No, that’s the other one. He’s all right, that guy’s all right.
–R Train
Overheard by: Hannah
