Overheard In New York

Archive for September, 2009

Wednes­day Is­n’t One-Lin­er. He Has a Girl­friend in Cana­da.

11 year-old girl to dad: Suck­ing on some­thing au­to­mat­i­cal­ly makes you gay.

–High Line

Over­heard by: Kir­by

NYPD de­tec­tive, work­ing Gay Pride pa­rade: They’ve been com­ing out for the last two hours. And they will prob­a­bly be com­ing out for an­oth­er three hours!

–5th Ave & 55th St

Over­heard by: Just Vis­it­ing…

Not very ef­fem­i­nate gay guy, near ex­treme­ly ef­fem­i­nate group of pride fes­ters: Sud­den­ly, I don’t feel so gay!

–Pride­Fest, Abing­don Square

Over­heard by: proud dad

Man to friend: The prob­lem with get­ting too buff is that peo­ple start to think that you’re gay.

–Star­bucks

Male fash­ion­ista to stranger on bus: And she thought I was gay be­cause I dress well and stuff. (to an­oth­er pas­sen­ger) Oh, is that mois­tur­iz­er? Can I use some?

–Hamp­ton Jit­ney

Over­heard by: Can’t imag­ine why she thought so

Woman hand­cuffed to man, hav­ing ro­man­tic pic­nic with rose petals spilled over a blan­ket: I did­n’t think I would be hand­cuffed to you in a park telling you all of my se­crets when I met you in a gay bar!

–Cen­tral Park Sheep Mead­ow

Give Me a Wednes­day With One-Lin­ers, Long Beau­ti­ful One-Lin­ers

Lati­no nan­ny to red­head­ed tod­dler, af­ter he throws his hat at her: Put your hat back on your hair! It’s freak­ing peo­ple out.

–Cen­tral Park

Di­sheveled raggedy hobo, rep­ri­mand­ing suit: Get a hair­cut!

–Wa­chovia Wells Far­go

Over­heard by: CS

Loud black girl on cell phone: You know where the train sta­tion is, where all them home­less peo­ple live? Yeah, that’s where I go get my hair done. She does­n’t fuck my hair up, be­cause I told her, “you best not fuck my hair up.” And now she nev­er does. (chuck­les)

–LIRR

Over­heard by: kill her

Beau­ti­ful an­gry woman on cell: I had told you to meet me at 116th Street be­cause I got my hair in my bag! My weave hair! I had want­ed to do my hair lat­er, be­cause it’s too damn hot to be sit­ting up in that place. But I’m not go­ing to no damn bar­be­cue with weave hair in my bag!

–The Bronx

Over­heard by: Shrimp on the bar­bie

Lit­tle boy with squirt gun: No! You wet­ted my hair! My beau­ti­ful flow­ing hair!

–Rock­e­feller Park

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: Will­ing, but Un­ripe

Loud-mouthed girl to friends: She says, “I’ve had sex with over 100 men.” And so I says, “girl! You four­teen!”

–R Train

Thir­ty-some­thing black man to Catholic high school girls: So what’s it take for a cou­ple of black guys to get to play with y’al­l’s skirts?

–Metro-North

Over­heard by: kfkd­js­df

Fa­ther to in­fant daugh­ter in stroller: Hey! Close your legs!

–So­Ho

Pro­fes­sor: Your fa­vorite teacher from high school turned out to be a pe­dophile? Se­ri­ous­ly? Well was he a re­al pe­dophile, or just a hook­ing-up-with-teenage-stu­dents kind of pe­dophile?

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Jack Pack­age

13-year-old girl on phone: So guess what… I lost my vir­gin­i­ty last night… looks like you owe me a so­da.

–H & M

Over­heard by: Imani

An­oth­er Round Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Reg­u­lar guy: You got Old Eng­lish reek­ing out your pores… Come out­side and air out.

–Fred­er­ick Dou­glas & 126th St

Moth­er of three: Come with me and I’ll buy you a bag of beer! I’ve nev­er had a bag of beer be­fore and I could re­al­ly use one!

–34th St & Broad­way

20-some­thing girl to an­oth­er: I gave up Grey Goose for lent.

–Piz­za Shop, The Bronx

Over­heard by: E.J.

Guy with teardrop tat­too: Dude, moon­shine is awe­some. It’s 99% al­co­hol and 1% liquor.

–L Train

Over­heard by: some­one’s go­ing to the ER/remedial math class tonight…

Ditzy girl: I was think­ing, how come I had a much worse time ju­nior year than I did sopho­more year? Then I re­al­ized, it’s be­cause I did­n’t drink mar­gar­i­tas.

–Par­ty

Over­heard by: The House

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Will Cut a Bitch

Ghet­to fab­u­lous sis­ter to an­oth­er, walk­ing out of bar: You got­ta be a classy ho! Bitch!

–Ful­ton & Lafayette, Brook­lyn

Woman on cell: No! He wants a fight and I’m go­ing to fuck her up! I’m go­ing to snap that bitch in half! (pause) I will snap that bitch in half! (pause) Okay, I love you too. (hangs up) Oh, she messed with the wrong bitch!

–27th St, be­tween 6th and 7th

Over­heard by: Hun­gry

Blonde yelling on cell: I was not be­ing a bitch or pick­ing a fight! I was say­ing “I love you, and these are my con­cerns”!

–27th St b/w Park Ave & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: V

Girl to an­oth­er: That’s when I knew I was a bitch. My home­girl got kicked in the head by a ho… and I laughed!

–Coney Is­land Ave & Newkirk

30-some­thing suit: I just need a bitch with an ac­cent!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Court­Snort

Mom to son, af­ter look­ing through his phone: Who is in your phone as b‑i-t-c‑h?

–M60 Bus

Over­heard by: Jin­gles