…With Your Mom

Father: Well, to really make it moist you gotta shove it in there.
Son: That’s what she said!
Father: How ’bout you go back to the kids table?
Son: Yes, sir.

–Peter Luger Restaurant

Which Part Of the Cow Do You Think It Comes From?

Girl #1: And that’s why we don’t drink breast milk anymore.
Girl #2: Oh, really? That’s interesting.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Highly disturbed commuter

You There in the Back Row — This Means You.

Student, referring to pinus: Wait, does that actually mean “penis”?
Latin teacher: No. But once I made a joke about penises in a paper in college and my teacher wrote, “never do this”.
(class laughs)
Latin teacher: So guys, don’t play with your penises!

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: Theseus

American Hipsters Are More American Than Hipster

Stoned 20-something hipster #1, on Disney music: Noooo, Robin Hood is so gay!
Stoned 20-something hipster #2, playing “Not in Nottingham”: It is *not* gay! It’s honest!

–St. Clemens Church & Theater

Overheard by: emily darwin

…She’s in Between Waxes!

Thugette, calling back friend’s toddler: Come here, you drunken monkey!
Child’s mother: Don’t call her a monkey!

–H&M Fitting Room

I Know That, but My Penis Doesn’t

Guy on cell: Dude, I am so gonna punish that pussy.
Girl sitting next to him, texting: You know you have a small penis, right?

–L Train

Overheard by: Caged Monkey

That Was a Close One. Too Close.

Cashier: I’m worried I’m going to get pregnant when I least expect it. It’s just going to sneak up on me. And, bam! I’m knocked up! You pregnant?
Cashier’s friend: No, but my sister is.

–Old Navy, SoHo

The Jersey Don’t Lie

Yankee fan #1, in crowded station exit: I think this is the way to Yankee Stadium.
Yankee fan #2, pointing to guy in Jeter jersey: Yeah, there’s Derek Jeter up there.

–B/D Station, 161^st St

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

You’re in Brooklyn– What Do You Think?

Middle aged woman from out of town: I don’t think there are any theaters around here.
Middle aged man with large open map: Maybe. Are we still in New York?

–Broadway Junction

Overheard by: Nikki

You’re Gonna Find Out Who Killed Mr. Boddy, and You’re Gonna Like It!

Teenage boy #1: Hey, let’s go to my house.
Teenage boy #2: Why?
Teenage boy #1: To play a boardgame.
Teenage boy #2: I’m not playing a fucking boardgame!
Teenage boy #1: Yes you are!

–Barnes & Noble