Girl #1: No, you cannot have my Sunny D.
Girl #2: Just dropkick me in the fucking heart.
–University Dorm
Archive for 2009
You Know You're Drunk When the Evening Ends in a Bookstore
Obviously inebriated brunette: So… I'm pretty sure I'm going to die tonight.
Obviously inebriated blonde: Well, if we do, I think I should put up a Facebook status so everyone knows.
Obviously inebriated brunette: I'm pretty sure the tox screen will show it.
(ten seconds later)
Obviously inebriated brunette: Kill me. Oh, wait, no need. I'll be dead in three hours.
Obviously inebriated blonde: Just don't go dying in my bed… that's creepy.
(five seconds later)
Obviously inebriated brunette: Um… did you just burp?
Obviously inebriated blonde: Yeah. Why?
Obviously inebriated brunette: Because it just went up my nose.
Obviously inebriated blonde: Now… that's legendary.
–Barnes & Noble, Midtown
Overheard by: NYLove
Your Pelvic Motions Strike Me As Vaguely Familiar
Gay guy at party to strange girl dressed like angel: Do I know you?
Angel girl: I don't think so… (dances sexually around him) Are you my brother?
–Bond St
Overheard by: Flipper
…Except That It's a Mailbox.
Drunk girl, seeing dog: Oh my god! That is the cutest cat I've ever seen!
Drunk friends, nodding: Yes!
–Bleecker St
Overheard by: Alyssa
When Boys Learn About Girls on the Internet
Horny boy #1: Dude, when a girl asks for an ass massage she's totally asking for sex!
Horny boy #2: I know, man! I'd be pissed, too.
–Bleecker St
Thighs…Chafing…Can't Go on
British girl #1, standing and holding out hand for friend: Sorry, this city makes my hands dirty.
British girl #2: This city makes my whole body dirty.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Brian
Ten Bucks Says This Is Their Foreplay
Girl: Shopping with you is like shopping with an old man.
Guy: Shopping with you is like shopping with a bitch.
–Modern Foods, The Bronx
Blame New York
Hot law student: But then she was like, “but he's gay?”
Less pretty friend: No way!
Hot law student: I know, so I just laughed and said my boyfriend's defo not gay.
Man on next table: I don't mean to be rude, but if you're always like this I can see why he would be, I'm thinking of interior decorating as we speak.
Hot law student, whispering to friend: Obviously a closet.
–Tavern on the Green, Central Park
For Perfectly Good American Reasons
Man about to cross street to cabbie wearing turban: You terrorist! Get out of my country!
Cabbie, yelling: I'll fucking kill you!
–University Place & 14th St
Overheard by: Heather
NewsFlash: Crackhead Slain on 2 Train! Film at Eleven.
Crackhead to white girl: I want a little white girl. Okay, a little white lily, she so mad, I want a little white girl, not a black girl, they broke my heart too many times. You think I'm harassing you because you're white and I'm black.
Girl on train: I'm not white, okay? I'm not white, stop looking at me. I don't look remotely white, or Caucasian.
Crackhead: I'm not into fat girls, so I'll look somewhere else. I'm not into fat jokes, just black jokes. You probably think I'm into white guys, not white girls, just call me gay. Are you trying to slip away?
Girl on train: Did he just call me fat?
–Downtown 2 Train