Vendor: Can I ask you a question?
Girl: No.
Vendor: Can I grab your ass?
Girl: No.
–Time Square
Archive for 2009
We Love This Kid
Mother to young son: If daddy asks you why mommy’s upset with him, you say it’s because he doesn’t take care of her.
Young son: I ain’t saying nothing.
–B Train
I Know a Great Place Around Here That Does Deliveries
Teenage girl #1: Oh my god, could you imagine having a baby, like, you know…inside of you?
Teenage girl #2: Oh my god, no! Eeeww!
Teenage girl #1: I know, right? But I would do it.
Teenage girl #2: You would? You wouldn’t mind them cutting into you?
Teenage girl #1: They do that?
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, you get cut open. It’s called a Sicilian.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Brandon
It Was Just Time for That Calf to Be Born
Tall guy,holding his elbow: My arm was this far inside her.
Fat guy: Wow, that’s a new record.
–Mott Ave, Far Rockaway
Correction: It Was in the 80’s
Coked-out hipster girlfriend, loudly: And that’s why I could never wake up for Pilates.
Hipster boyfriend: Julia. Turn the voice down. People are looking.
Coked-out hipster girlfriend: Well, I can’t help the way my voice projects. I used to be an actress.
Hipster boyfriend: No, you didn’t.
Coked-out hipster girlfriend: Well, I’m a model.
Hipster boyfriend: No, you’re not.
Coked-out hipster girlfriend: I’m kind of a drug dealer.
Hipster boyfriend: Yeah. Which is so gay.
–Williamsburg Bridge
Nobody’s More Bitter Than Ex-Gymnasts
Young girl: How old are you?
22 year-old girl: I’m 22.
Young girl: And you’re pregnant!
22 year-old girl: No I’m not.
Young girl: Why do you have a big belly then?
22 year-old girl: Well you know, when you’re my age, hormonal and stuff, you’ll get fat. People will think you’re pregnant when you’re not, and you’ll cry. So you’ll eat tons of salads to make the belly disappear but it won’t work and you’ll be sad. That’s all life’s about. Don’t grow up.
–A Train
Overheard by: Violette
Or Worse– A Republican
Child, reading: Be…kind…to…furry…
Mom: A‑ni-mals.
Child: Why?
Mom: You have to be kind to all animals, so people don’t think you’re crazy and a psychopath.
–Q Train
Michelle Was Also Amazed With the Ewok/Koala Exhibit
Fat preppy girl: Oh my god! Is that a rhinoceros? I didn’t know they still existed!
Friend: Yeah, that’s one right there.
Fat preppy girl: But I thought dinosaurs were extinct?
–Bronx Zoo
Headline by: JohnAustin
Runners-Up:
· “Apparently, You’ve Never Watched “The View”” — PeterG
· “No, Just My Faith in Our Education System” — Jeff
· “She Thinks That About Salads Too” — Tom
· “That Would Explain Why the Hippo Looked So Real!” — Pat
· “This Is a Creationist Zoo” — Coyoty
· “Why Didn’t You TELL Me We’re in a Museum?” — Emily Leonard
· “You’re Confusing It With the Do-Ya-Think-He-Saurus” — Skug Skellum
In the Sense That She Stole My Wallet and Ran Off
Preteen boy #1: My new girlfriend told me to meet her there after school.
Preteen boy #2: Why don’t you just call her and tell her you’ll be late?
Preteen boy #1: I don’t have her number.
Preteen boy #2: How is she your girlfriend if you don’t even have her phone number?
Preteen boy #1: Cause I kissed her on the lips and she liked it!
–L Train
I Believe “Munchkinland” Is After “Mozambique” on the Shelf
Female customer: Do you guys have the Wizard of Oz?
Salesperson: Uh, I think that would be in “foreign.”
–NoHo Blockbuster
