Archive for 2009

You Just Ol­lied In­to My Heart

Black teen, with I skate NY lo­go shirt: Hey, hey, what’s the line for?
Con­fused white girl: I don’t get your shirt.
Black teen: (amazed si­lence)
Con­fused white girl: Ohhh, it’s a skate­board!
Black teen: Ha­ha, yeah.
Con­fused white girl: No, no, I thought it was a…a pic­ture of a guy with a uni­brow and no mouth?
Black teen: Hey, lemme see your eyes…you have beau­ti­ful eyes.

–Vir­gin Mega­s­tore

You Would­n’t Think It Was Fun­ny If You Had to Lis­ten to It Every Day

Crazy man, yelling: Sweet Je­sus! The lord is aaaaal­waaays watch­ing! Watch­ing you wicked, wicked peo­ple! Heav­ens be praised, for he has shown me the way! He can show you too, but all this wicked­ness and sin has to stop! He knows, he knows! (lights in train go out) Yes, dear Je­sus! For he has plunged us in­to dark­ness. Do not say “the weath­er” or “The MTA,” it is the Lord who sees and knows all, and he has seen the wicked­ness you peo­ple have brought in­to the world and he has plunged us in­to dark­ness! We are tru­ly in the dark­ness. (lights go back on) Praise the lord, for he has shown us the light!

–F Train

Over­heard by: Elis­a­beth

It Was His Valen­tine’s Gift to Me This Year

Of­fice chick #1: So you liked the movie Wait­ing, right?
Of­fice chick #2: Yep.
Of­fice chick #1: Re­mem­ber “the goat”?
Of­fice chick #2: Yeah, junk stuffed be­tween his legs and dis­played from be­hind!
Of­fice chick #1: Yeah, my hus­band just came up with a new one called “the heart”!
Of­fice chick #2: What’s that?
Of­fice chick #1: He grabs his sack, pulls it up over his dick, and spreads the skin out at the top, so it kin­da looks like a heart.
Of­fice chick #2: Yeah?
Of­fice chick #1: Then he tens­es up his dick a few times so that it looks like the heart is beat­ing.
Of­fice chick #2: Cool.

–Mc­Don­ald’s

Those Spark­ly Stick­ers Made My Day

FD­NY in uni­form, wait­ing for fire­men who were gro­cery shop­ping: He kept say­ing, “you’re gonna get caught! You’re gonna get caught!” but I just took off the tag, put them on my face and just walked out of the store!
Civil­ian he was talk­ing to (look­ing shocked and equal­ly dis­gust­ed): Oh.

–Whole Foods, Hous­ton & Christie

Who Says New York­ers Can’t Be Gra­cious?

White guy, yelling to friends: Yo, where are you go­ing? The train is this way!
Ran­dom black guy: It’s not the fuck­ing train! It’s the fuck­ing sub­way!
White guy: I live in Queens, I know what it’s called.
Black guy: You white peo­ple are so fuck­ing stu­pid. You go in­to the sub­way to get on a fuck­ing train!
White girl: Well then it’s a train!
Black guy: Fuck you, bitch!
White guy: Don’t call her a bitch! You don’t even know her!
Black guy, get­ting in their face: Fuck you, nig­ga! And fuck her! (pause) Wait…have you guys been drink­ing?
White guy: Yeah.
Black guy: Nev­er mind, then. I was just fuck­ing around. We cool?
(black and white guys laugh about it, shake hands, go their sep­a­rate ways)

–Union Square

Over­heard by: go rangers!

The Ser­pent Was De­light­ed to Show Her the Tree Of Knowl­edge

Val­ley girl: The lit­tle red job­bies are way cool! What are they?
Ven­dor: Those are ma­couns. Ones over there are gold­en de­li­cious and Granny Smith.
Val­ley girl, grab­bing an ap­ple: And, what’s that lit­tle thing stick­ing out on top of this one?
Ven­dor: Those are leaves, miss.
Val­ley girl: Wow! This place is like…sooooo…country, y’­know?

–Green Mar­ket Ap­ple Ven­dors, Union Square

Over­heard by: cindy