Archive for 2009

You Just Ollied Into My Heart

Black teen, with I skate NY logo shirt: Hey, hey, what’s the line for?
Confused white girl: I don’t get your shirt.
Black teen: (amazed silence)
Confused white girl: Ohhh, it’s a skateboard!
Black teen: Haha, yeah.
Confused white girl: No, no, I thought it was a…a picture of a guy with a unibrow and no mouth?
Black teen: Hey, lemme see your eyes…you have beautiful eyes.

–Virgin Megastore

You Wouldn’t Think It Was Funny If You Had to Listen to It Every Day

Crazy man, yelling: Sweet Jesus! The lord is aaaaalwaaays watching! Watching you wicked, wicked people! Heavens be praised, for he has shown me the way! He can show you too, but all this wickedness and sin has to stop! He knows, he knows! (lights in train go out) Yes, dear Jesus! For he has plunged us into darkness. Do not say “the weather” or “The MTA,” it is the Lord who sees and knows all, and he has seen the wickedness you people have brought into the world and he has plunged us into darkness! We are truly in the darkness. (lights go back on) Praise the lord, for he has shown us the light!

–F Train

Overheard by: Elisabeth

It Was His Valentine’s Gift to Me This Year

Office chick #1: So you liked the movie Waiting, right?
Office chick #2: Yep.
Office chick #1: Remember “the goat”?
Office chick #2: Yeah, junk stuffed between his legs and displayed from behind!
Office chick #1: Yeah, my husband just came up with a new one called “the heart”!
Office chick #2: What’s that?
Office chick #1: He grabs his sack, pulls it up over his dick, and spreads the skin out at the top, so it kinda looks like a heart.
Office chick #2: Yeah?
Office chick #1: Then he tenses up his dick a few times so that it looks like the heart is beating.
Office chick #2: Cool.


Those Sparkly Stickers Made My Day

FDNY in uniform, waiting for firemen who were grocery shopping: He kept saying, “you’re gonna get caught! You’re gonna get caught!” but I just took off the tag, put them on my face and just walked out of the store!
Civilian he was talking to (looking shocked and equally disgusted): Oh.

–Whole Foods, Houston & Christie

Who Says New Yorkers Can’t Be Gracious?

White guy, yelling to friends: Yo, where are you going? The train is this way!
Random black guy: It’s not the fucking train! It’s the fucking subway!
White guy: I live in Queens, I know what it’s called.
Black guy: You white people are so fucking stupid. You go into the subway to get on a fucking train!
White girl: Well then it’s a train!
Black guy: Fuck you, bitch!
White guy: Don’t call her a bitch! You don’t even know her!
Black guy, getting in their face: Fuck you, nigga! And fuck her! (pause) Wait…have you guys been drinking?
White guy: Yeah.
Black guy: Never mind, then. I was just fucking around. We cool?
(black and white guys laugh about it, shake hands, go their separate ways)

–Union Square

Overheard by: go rangers!

The Serpent Was Delighted to Show Her the Tree Of Knowledge

Valley girl: The little red jobbies are way cool! What are they?
Vendor: Those are macouns. Ones over there are golden delicious and Granny Smith.
Valley girl, grabbing an apple: And, what’s that little thing sticking out on top of this one?
Vendor: Those are leaves, miss.
Valley girl: Wow! This place is like…sooooo…country, y’know?

–Green Market Apple Vendors, Union Square

Overheard by: cindy