Customer: Do you have flypaper?
Store clerk: Yeah. On the counter.
Customer: Does it work on moths?
Store clerk: It should.
Customer: What if it doesn’t?
Store clerk: Then move.
–Hardware Store
Archive for 2009
Kirstie Alley’s Kids Were Kind Of Enablers
Tiny six-year-old son: Why do I look so fat?
Mom: (looks puzzled)
Tiny six-year-old son, pointing at his reflection in elevator doors: Look at me, I look fat!
Mom, smiling, relieved: Oh! No, it’s just that reflection is distorted, sweetie.
Tiny six-year-old son: Is that why you looked so fat in those pictures?
Mom (after pause): …yes.
–Elevator, Lexington Ave
We Germans Have Never Lied About Anything
Sales rep: I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t have that specific style here. You could try Saks.
Affluent German woman: The lady at Saks told me to look here! (sniffling) Why does everyone lie to me?
–Bergdorf Goodman, 5th Ave
Overheard by: Blacknoise
Or I’ll Hit the Ejector Button
Son: Mommy, why does god make these benches so uncomfortable?
Mommy: So you don’t fall asleep. Now stop talking.
–Christ and St. Stephen’s Church, W 69th St
Overheard by: falling asleep anyway
Off the Wagon Carefully Selected Its Two Mascots
Drunk guy #1: God, I’ve missed the sweet taste of beer.
Drunk guy #2: Wait, what were drinking earlier today?
Drunk guy #1: Beer.
–Off the Wagon, MacDougal St
New Yorkers: “Stars?”
Random guy sitting at bar: I just wanted to let you know that your freckles are truly beautiful.
20-something girl: Uh…thanks.
Random guy sitting at bar: Ya, a girl without freckles is like a night without stars.
–Murray Hill Bar
As Long As Judges and Doctors Still Have Theirs
College guy: I read in an article that strippers in the city are losing work.
College girl: Oh, I didn’t hear about that. I heard that bankers are losing their jobs. I didn’t think strippers would ever lose their jobs.
–M4 Bus
What Happens When You Hate Freedom
Captain, upon landing: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the United States of America.
Middle aged woman: Bleheeeeeeh! (vomits profusely for five minutes)
–JFK
But I’ll Buy You 200 Pounds Of Meat If You’ll Eat It All
Older man: Oh, really?
Younger, athletic man: Yeah, yeah. It works. You know, you…your body type, you want to eat meat. You know, for every pound you weigh, you should eat a pound of meat a day.
Older man: You’re an idiot.
–92nd & Central Park West
Overheard by: P. Marino
As the Torah Mandates
Jewish grad student #1: Are you kosher?
Jewish grad student #2: Yeah, of course! Unless it’s free…
–Orchard St
