20-something black guy: Daaamn girl, you got a number?
Teenage black girl, pushing stroller: I got a baby.
–Bed-Stuy
Archive for 2009
…Which Is Why My Parents Had No More Kids After Me.
Whiny yuppie hipster #1: All the things we supposedly owe these people, just because they gave us life.
Whiny yuppie hipster #2, semi-ironically: Exactly. I mean, who asked to be born?
Whiny yuppie hipster #3, earnestly: Nobody! Nobody ever asks to be born!
–Greenmarket, Union Square
Overheard by: Suze V
Yeah, You Have Some Stuck in Your Teeth.
Dirty guy to woman: Damn, baby!
Woman to dirty guy: Nigga, pleez! I eat more pussy then you do!
–Centre & Chambers
More Than George W. Bush Has Admitted
Homeboy #1: You lie.
Homeboy #2: I don’t.
Homeboy #1: You so lie.
Homeboy #2: I don’t lie.
Homeboy #1: You lie. You lie. You lie. You lie.
Homeboy #2: I do not lie.
Homeboy #2: You stretch the truth.
Homeboy #2: Well. Now you’re talkin’.
–10th & 57th
But It’s the New Trend in Long-Distance Relationships!
Angry young man: She fucking broke up with me over a handjob!
Impassive friend: Well, how did that happen?
Angry young man: I was about to cum, and she was there, right there!, you know? Between my legs! So I told her I was going to, and she just fuckin’ stared at me. I was like, “Baby, this is coming.” Seriously. It does happen. “Lift your shirt up or something,” I said to her. You know? And she just, fuckin’, on her knees, shuffles backwards and to her left–a good three yards away- still whacking me off. So, I’m like, “Baby, what the fuck? You can’t give a handjob from across the room.” You know, dude? That’s like one of those fucking old people extending claw arm shits jerking you off from the corner when you’re sitting in the center of your room! Fuck, dude!
Impassive friend, laughing: Yo, I’d blue-ball you, too, if you called me a fucking robot while I was getting you off!
–Forest Hills
Overheard by: FrankALank
Your Editors Can Testify That Not Dying Is Fun
Airhead girl #1: I can’t wait to go to school here. Everyone tells me I’m gonna die. I’m not gonna die!
Airhead girl #2: If anyone is gonna die, it’s gonna be you.
Airhead girl #1: I’m *so* not gonna die. This is gonna be so much fun.
–Chelsea
Fifth: Dick.
Young woman #1, before movie starts: I’m gonna go.
Young woman #2: Why? Don’t go.
Young woman #1: I’m gonna meet up with my man.
Young woman #2: Come on! Don’t you want to stay for the movie?
Young woman #1: I’m gonna leave now cause: first of all… booty call. Second of all… dick. Third of all… dick. Fourth… my man is sick and I have Tums with me.
–Movie, Bryant Park
And He Always Dresses Smartly
Girl #1: Intelligence is the most important thing, y’know? Is he intelligent?
Girl #2: Oh, yeah. He’s like the most intelligent person I’ve met.
Girl #1: Wow. So what does he do?
Girl #2: He’s a model for Hollister.
–West Village
Overheard by: M
You Never Could Meet a Deadline, Britney.
Girl #1: So your birthday is tomorrow?
Girl #2: Yeah, it should have been today but I was too much of a fat-ass to fit through my mom’s vagina.
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2, yelling: It should have been today but I was too much of a fat-ass to fit through my mom’s vagina.
Girl #1: Bummer.
–Spring & Varick
And a Little Child Shall Lead Us
Little boy to father: When I get ice cream I am not going to give anyone any of it!
Father: Sharing is good.
Little boy: No. It’s not!
–Union Square
Overheard by: daveB
